One day Mogey and Smush were walking through town when Smush was struck in the head with an errant bag of chocolate covered raisins.
"Take that, you pidgeon-beaked daughter of a sea cucumber!" yelled Van Nello, the town chocolatier. Mogey was just about to yell something equally nasty back at Van, when he was struck in the head by a box of vanilla cupcakes with vanilla frosting.
"No, you take that you bow-legged patsy!" yelled "Hot" Koko Bogart, the town vanillatier. Hot Koko and Van Nello were embroiled in a feud that stretched back to a childhood incident involving an easy bake oven, and now Mogey and Smush were caught in the crossfire.
They ran for their lives as Van threw chocolately projectiles at Koko and Koko returned fire with makeshift vanilla bombs. Finally Mogey and Smush were able to reach the relative safety of an overturned wagon in the village square.
"When are those two just going to come out and admit that they're madly in love?" Smush said, shaking his head.
"Are you crazy?" Mogey asked, licking frosting off his arm. "There is no more forbidden love in all the land than that between a chocolatier and a woman named Bogart."
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXV
One day Mogey and Smush came upon a rickety old rope bridge that stretched across the yawning chasm called Lethal Canyon. Mogey gingerly stepped out onto the first plank before a voice surprised him into leaping back.
"I would nay do that if I were you," an ancient looking ninja master said, stepping out of the shadows. "For there is one plank on yonder footbridge that is a trickster. If you are not pure of heart it will collapse beneath you."
"Oh," said Smush. "Which one?"
"This I cannot share..." the ninja master answered, staring calmly out at Lethal Canyon's fierce beauty.
"Oh," Smush said again. "Are you pure of heart, Mogey?"
"Heck no!" Mogey scoffed.
"Didn't think so," Smush replied. "Neither am I....Welp, it looks like we'll be finding a different way across ol' Lethal Canyon."
"Thanks for your help, ninja master," Mogey called.
"I would nay do that if I were you," an ancient looking ninja master said, stepping out of the shadows. "For there is one plank on yonder footbridge that is a trickster. If you are not pure of heart it will collapse beneath you."
"Oh," said Smush. "Which one?"
"This I cannot share..." the ninja master answered, staring calmly out at Lethal Canyon's fierce beauty.
"Oh," Smush said again. "Are you pure of heart, Mogey?"
"Heck no!" Mogey scoffed.
"Didn't think so," Smush replied. "Neither am I....Welp, it looks like we'll be finding a different way across ol' Lethal Canyon."
"Thanks for your help, ninja master," Mogey called.
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXIV
One day Mogey and Smush were journeying to Faraway Norgle, a land where the streets were paved with zucchini bread and the roofs were thatched with almond joys. It was a long and dangerous journey, but who wouldn't undergo some danger for sodapop rivers teeming with fish made of steak?
At last Mogey and Smush crested the last butte and there before them lay Faraway Norgle. And though both Mogey and Smush were tough guys, they both broke down and wept.
"Feast your eyes, Mogey!" Smush said. "Feast your eyes on Faraway Norgle."
Mogey tried with all his might, but he just couldn't seem to comply. And so it was that Mogey and Smush learned the true meaning of an ancient adage: it is all but impossible to feast your eyes on anything if you're simultaneously feasting your stomach on zucchini bread and almond joys.
At last Mogey and Smush crested the last butte and there before them lay Faraway Norgle. And though both Mogey and Smush were tough guys, they both broke down and wept.
"Feast your eyes, Mogey!" Smush said. "Feast your eyes on Faraway Norgle."
Mogey tried with all his might, but he just couldn't seem to comply. And so it was that Mogey and Smush learned the true meaning of an ancient adage: it is all but impossible to feast your eyes on anything if you're simultaneously feasting your stomach on zucchini bread and almond joys.
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXIII
One hot summer day Mogey and Smush were having a dip in the swimming hole when off in the distance they heard the jingle jangle that could mean only one thing: the Ice Cream Man. Mogey and Smush dashed out of the swimming hole, through the Woods of Durken, across Farmer Flaybottom's pumpkin patch, and made it out onto the Old Pretzel Road just in time to stop the Ice Cream Man from rolling away.
"Two ice creams, please," Mogey panted as he ran up to the window of the Ice Cream Man's truck.
"Oh I'm sorry lad," the man said. "I'm not the Ice Cream Man. I'm the Frozen Yogurt Guy. Would you like a tasty, delicious frozen yogurt instead?"
"Well," Mogey contemplated, but Smush stepped in front of him.
"Cut that out!" Smush shouted to the Frozen Yogurt Guy. "Go peddle your rubbish someplace else, you're not wanted 'round here!" Smush leaned in so close to the Frozen Yogurt Guy that their noses almost touched and whispered threateningly. "If I ever so much as see you talk to my friend Mogey again, Frozen Yogurt Guy, you'll never sell another frozen treat in this town again."
"Two ice creams, please," Mogey panted as he ran up to the window of the Ice Cream Man's truck.
"Oh I'm sorry lad," the man said. "I'm not the Ice Cream Man. I'm the Frozen Yogurt Guy. Would you like a tasty, delicious frozen yogurt instead?"
"Well," Mogey contemplated, but Smush stepped in front of him.
"Cut that out!" Smush shouted to the Frozen Yogurt Guy. "Go peddle your rubbish someplace else, you're not wanted 'round here!" Smush leaned in so close to the Frozen Yogurt Guy that their noses almost touched and whispered threateningly. "If I ever so much as see you talk to my friend Mogey again, Frozen Yogurt Guy, you'll never sell another frozen treat in this town again."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXII
One day around harvest time, Mogey and Smush were at the county fair. It was impossible not to love the county fair, where pigs ran wild amongst the oxen and the candy apples were as plentiful as regular apples.
The people of Poxleborough County came to the fair for all sorts of reasons. Some came for the all-you-can-eat cheese, some came for the giraffe judging, some even came to see the bearded lady, who showed up every year even though she'd technically been banned since '41. Mogey and Smush, however, came for one reason and one reason only: the wheelbarrow race.
"C'mon Smush," Mogey urged, "we're going to be late for our traditional pre-race meal."
"Don't worry Moges," Smush said calmly. "We're going to be fine."
And they were. They got to the fried spice drop stand exactly ten minutes before race time and ordered a sack of fried spice drops apiece. As they approached the wheelbarrow racing arena, happily munching their drops, Mogey and Smush encountered a sight most unpleasant.
"No!" Mogey uttered under his breath. "He's here! The human wheelbarrow!"
"My goodness," Smush said in awe. "We're done for."
One of the members of the team they were about to race was known far and wide for the controversial surgery he'd undergone, turning both of his hands into actual wheels.
"Not so fast, Smush m'boy," Mogey said, cramming the rest of the fried spice drops into his mouth. "They may be famous, but they've never faced the unstoppable force of Golden Mogey and Constable Smush."
The people of Poxleborough County came to the fair for all sorts of reasons. Some came for the all-you-can-eat cheese, some came for the giraffe judging, some even came to see the bearded lady, who showed up every year even though she'd technically been banned since '41. Mogey and Smush, however, came for one reason and one reason only: the wheelbarrow race.
"C'mon Smush," Mogey urged, "we're going to be late for our traditional pre-race meal."
"Don't worry Moges," Smush said calmly. "We're going to be fine."
And they were. They got to the fried spice drop stand exactly ten minutes before race time and ordered a sack of fried spice drops apiece. As they approached the wheelbarrow racing arena, happily munching their drops, Mogey and Smush encountered a sight most unpleasant.
"No!" Mogey uttered under his breath. "He's here! The human wheelbarrow!"
"My goodness," Smush said in awe. "We're done for."
One of the members of the team they were about to race was known far and wide for the controversial surgery he'd undergone, turning both of his hands into actual wheels.
"Not so fast, Smush m'boy," Mogey said, cramming the rest of the fried spice drops into his mouth. "They may be famous, but they've never faced the unstoppable force of Golden Mogey and Constable Smush."
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXI
One stiflingly hot summer day, Mogey and Smush were sculling around the marsh in their old rowboat. It was a very lazy sort of day, when the cicadas buzzed and the sun soaked into the bread of their peanut butter sangwiches. Only one thing could break the peace of a day like that. Actually, lots of things could have, but only one thing did.
"Gimme a bite a'that."
"Did you hear something, Smush?" Mogey asked as he munched his warm peanut butter sangwich. Smush jerked his head to the side and Mogey looked down to see the head of large crocodile poking up out of the marsh.
"Gimme a bite a'that," the crocodile said.
"Is that...Al Agetor?" Mogey whispered nervously. Smush nodded. "What should I do?"
"I don't know," Smush answered quietly. "No man has ever refused Al Agetor a peanut butter sandwich and lived."
"Gimme a bite a'that," the croc repeated. Still Mogey refused to make eye contact. He really wanted his peanut butter sandwich. Finally Al Agetor the crocodile reared up out of the water to his full height and snatched Mogey's sandwich in his monstrous jaws, taking with it a fishing net, a good chunk of the rowboat, and the fingernail from Mogey's index finger.
"Mmm," Al Agetor said, swimming mysteriously away.
"Gimme a bite a'that."
"Did you hear something, Smush?" Mogey asked as he munched his warm peanut butter sangwich. Smush jerked his head to the side and Mogey looked down to see the head of large crocodile poking up out of the marsh.
"Gimme a bite a'that," the crocodile said.
"Is that...Al Agetor?" Mogey whispered nervously. Smush nodded. "What should I do?"
"I don't know," Smush answered quietly. "No man has ever refused Al Agetor a peanut butter sandwich and lived."
"Gimme a bite a'that," the croc repeated. Still Mogey refused to make eye contact. He really wanted his peanut butter sandwich. Finally Al Agetor the crocodile reared up out of the water to his full height and snatched Mogey's sandwich in his monstrous jaws, taking with it a fishing net, a good chunk of the rowboat, and the fingernail from Mogey's index finger.
"Mmm," Al Agetor said, swimming mysteriously away.
Friday, May 15, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CX
One bright fall morning it was time for the first day of school. Mogey and Smush had packed their lunchpails, put on their best trousers, and combed their hair. The only thing left to do, in short, was to gather their trapper keepers. So Mogey and Smush were striding over to the bureau where they always kept their trapper keepers, when controversy struck.
"Smush, why are you grabbing my trapper keeper?" Mogey asked.
"Your trapper keeper? This is my trapper keeper," Smush replied vehemently, tugging on his end of the item in question. "I got the one with the banjo bear on the cover, remember? Yours is the one with the spaceman."
"No, no, no," Mogey said, grasping the trapper keeper with all his might. "The spaceman is yours, I chose the trapper keeper with the bear. And it's a ukulele, not a banjo!"
"You scalawag," Smush muttered. "You blackhearted scalawag."
"Well it seems there's only one way to settle this," Mogey said. "We must let the trapper keeper decide. To the seesaw of knowledge?"
"To the seesaw of knowledge," Smush grumbled.
"Smush, why are you grabbing my trapper keeper?" Mogey asked.
"Your trapper keeper? This is my trapper keeper," Smush replied vehemently, tugging on his end of the item in question. "I got the one with the banjo bear on the cover, remember? Yours is the one with the spaceman."
"No, no, no," Mogey said, grasping the trapper keeper with all his might. "The spaceman is yours, I chose the trapper keeper with the bear. And it's a ukulele, not a banjo!"
"You scalawag," Smush muttered. "You blackhearted scalawag."
"Well it seems there's only one way to settle this," Mogey said. "We must let the trapper keeper decide. To the seesaw of knowledge?"
"To the seesaw of knowledge," Smush grumbled.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CIX
"Chirp chirp!"
A noise awakened Smush from his first nap of the afternoon.
"Tweet tweet!"
"Shut it, Mogey!" Smush yelled across the hall. "Knock off all them bird noises!" Smush was none too happy to be awakened from a nap, especially his first nap.
"Cheep cheep!"
"What in the world?" Smush muttered as he struggled out of bed and marched into the hall, almost tripping over his nightshirt as he did so.
"Twirp twirp!"
The sound, which came from the outside the window, halted Smush in his tracks, even as he held high a pillowcase loaded with a tack hammer in preparation to pummel young Mogey. A small birdie resting on the windowsill was causing all the ruckus.
"What sort of bird is that?" Mogey asked, emerging bleary-eyed from his room.
"Unless my eyes deceive me that'd be the rare Pangean Dayingale," Smush replied.
"Dayingale?" Mogey said. "Isn't it nightingale?"
"It's 2:30 in the afternoon, you maniac," Smush replied, shaking his head. "Now grab your birdnet and follow me. Smush is cookin' tonight!"
A noise awakened Smush from his first nap of the afternoon.
"Tweet tweet!"
"Shut it, Mogey!" Smush yelled across the hall. "Knock off all them bird noises!" Smush was none too happy to be awakened from a nap, especially his first nap.
"Cheep cheep!"
"What in the world?" Smush muttered as he struggled out of bed and marched into the hall, almost tripping over his nightshirt as he did so.
"Twirp twirp!"
The sound, which came from the outside the window, halted Smush in his tracks, even as he held high a pillowcase loaded with a tack hammer in preparation to pummel young Mogey. A small birdie resting on the windowsill was causing all the ruckus.
"What sort of bird is that?" Mogey asked, emerging bleary-eyed from his room.
"Unless my eyes deceive me that'd be the rare Pangean Dayingale," Smush replied.
"Dayingale?" Mogey said. "Isn't it nightingale?"
"It's 2:30 in the afternoon, you maniac," Smush replied, shaking his head. "Now grab your birdnet and follow me. Smush is cookin' tonight!"
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CVIII
"Hey Smush?" Mogey asked one day as he and Smush were sliding a fresh pot of toad-in-the-hole into the oven. "Where does the heat for our oven come from?"
"Well Mogey," Smush said, shutting the oven and grasping his friend on the shoulder, "you know how we take the double long wagon into the forest every fall?" Mogey nodded. "Then we chop down the dryest trees we can find and stack the lumber until the wagon is full to bursting?" Smush continued. "And then our workhorses, Greymane and Barnaby Ryan haul the wagon back home and we spend the next three weeks using the maul and the axe to split all that wood? And then we stack it all up in neat piles against the southwestern side of the house? Do you remember all that?"
"Yes, yes, I remember," Mogey said.
"Well right behind all that wood is a gas tank that the gas man comes to fill up every couple of months," Smush said. "That's where the heat in our oven comes from, dummy."
"Well Mogey," Smush said, shutting the oven and grasping his friend on the shoulder, "you know how we take the double long wagon into the forest every fall?" Mogey nodded. "Then we chop down the dryest trees we can find and stack the lumber until the wagon is full to bursting?" Smush continued. "And then our workhorses, Greymane and Barnaby Ryan haul the wagon back home and we spend the next three weeks using the maul and the axe to split all that wood? And then we stack it all up in neat piles against the southwestern side of the house? Do you remember all that?"
"Yes, yes, I remember," Mogey said.
"Well right behind all that wood is a gas tank that the gas man comes to fill up every couple of months," Smush said. "That's where the heat in our oven comes from, dummy."
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CVII
One morning it was time for spring cleaning, so Mogey and Smush were on their way to the soap merchant's shop for some supplies.
"What would you say is your favorite kind of soap?" Smush asked his pal.
"That is a toughie," Mogey replied. "Especially considering I don't like the stuff."
"Don't like the stuff?" Smush said fearfully. "But you still use it, right?"
"Not really," Mogey answered. "I hardly see the need."
"Mogey that's disgusting!" Smush cried. "You can't keep going through life this way. Now tell me right now what your favorite kind is so we can get some this very day!"
"Alright, alright," Mogey said. "Sheesh. If you held a rubber band to my head, I guess my favorite is ham and split pea. Although a good fish chowder isn't so bad either." Smush gave Mogey one of his trademark menacing glares.
"SOAP!" Smush yelled. "I said what's your favorite kind of SOAP! We're on our way to the soap merchant, remember?"
"Oh mannnn," Mogey groaned. "The soap merchant? And here I was all excited for a nice hot bowl of beef barley soup."
"What would you say is your favorite kind of soap?" Smush asked his pal.
"That is a toughie," Mogey replied. "Especially considering I don't like the stuff."
"Don't like the stuff?" Smush said fearfully. "But you still use it, right?"
"Not really," Mogey answered. "I hardly see the need."
"Mogey that's disgusting!" Smush cried. "You can't keep going through life this way. Now tell me right now what your favorite kind is so we can get some this very day!"
"Alright, alright," Mogey said. "Sheesh. If you held a rubber band to my head, I guess my favorite is ham and split pea. Although a good fish chowder isn't so bad either." Smush gave Mogey one of his trademark menacing glares.
"SOAP!" Smush yelled. "I said what's your favorite kind of SOAP! We're on our way to the soap merchant, remember?"
"Oh mannnn," Mogey groaned. "The soap merchant? And here I was all excited for a nice hot bowl of beef barley soup."
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CVI
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, if you have a weak stomach this demonstration is not for you!" Mogey shouted to an audience of almost three who had assembled at the Public House to watch a magic act that was known for miles around for its unequalled okey dokeyness. "And now, without further ado, I give you...Smush the Superb!"
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen," Smush the Superb said, acknowledging a smattering of applause as he marched out on the stage in his top hat and parachute pants. "For my first trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience. How about you, sir?"
Smush the Superb pulled onto the stage a man whose beard was as grey as it was long (and it was almost three and a half inches long).
"Let's all have a hand for our brave volunteer," Smush the Superb said. "Now just slap your hands down on this table if you would." As the man placed his palms on the table Smush carefully balanced a glass of stout on the back of each of the man's hands.
"You seem like the sort of person who might carry quite a few hard candies with him at all times," Smush said. "Am I right?" The bearded man nodded. "Excellent," Smush said, and he began to root through the man's jacket pockets. The man, whose hands were effectively pinned to the table unless he wanted to spill a full glass of stout, could do nothing.
"Well, you folks have been great!" Smush the Superb said when he'd found every last piece of candy. He and Mogey may have been rookie candy con artists, but they knew when to leave, and they headed out of the Public House at a speedy clip.
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen," Smush the Superb said, acknowledging a smattering of applause as he marched out on the stage in his top hat and parachute pants. "For my first trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience. How about you, sir?"
Smush the Superb pulled onto the stage a man whose beard was as grey as it was long (and it was almost three and a half inches long).
"Let's all have a hand for our brave volunteer," Smush the Superb said. "Now just slap your hands down on this table if you would." As the man placed his palms on the table Smush carefully balanced a glass of stout on the back of each of the man's hands.
"You seem like the sort of person who might carry quite a few hard candies with him at all times," Smush said. "Am I right?" The bearded man nodded. "Excellent," Smush said, and he began to root through the man's jacket pockets. The man, whose hands were effectively pinned to the table unless he wanted to spill a full glass of stout, could do nothing.
"Well, you folks have been great!" Smush the Superb said when he'd found every last piece of candy. He and Mogey may have been rookie candy con artists, but they knew when to leave, and they headed out of the Public House at a speedy clip.
Friday, May 8, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CV
One night Mogey and Smush were getting ready to go out on the town. It was Tuesday. And it was Summer. And it was ladies night at the dance hall. Smush, as usual, was ready to go in a snap, but Mogey was having a bit of trouble deciding what to wear.
"Mogeyyyy, hurry up," Smush called up the spiral staircase. "We're going to miss The Locomotion!"
"Ok, what do you think?" Mogey asked, finally emerging from his bedroom. He was wearing a pair of goldfish platform shoes, plaid slacks that had been in his family for five generations, and a pleather vest with a snarling tiger embossed on the back.
"Good lord, Mogey!" Smush said. "Just when I think pleather is going out of style, you find a whole new way to rock it. This dance hall is about to see the greatest event in the history of everything."
"Mogeyyyy, hurry up," Smush called up the spiral staircase. "We're going to miss The Locomotion!"
"Ok, what do you think?" Mogey asked, finally emerging from his bedroom. He was wearing a pair of goldfish platform shoes, plaid slacks that had been in his family for five generations, and a pleather vest with a snarling tiger embossed on the back.
"Good lord, Mogey!" Smush said. "Just when I think pleather is going out of style, you find a whole new way to rock it. This dance hall is about to see the greatest event in the history of everything."
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CIV
One snowy winters eve, Mogey and Smush settled down by the incinerator where it was nice and warm to do a bit of correspondence. In addition to writing back his twenty seven adoring fans, Smush wanted to send a letter to his great auntie out in Timbuktu who he hadn't heard from in some time. Mogey was all set to craft a scathing letter to the Department of Health Services regarding the (as he saw it) excessive buildup of donkey manure on the village's streets.
And so they both selected their writing utensils of choice. Smush hefted his great-grandfather's quill: an arctic pelican's tailfeather that had been bronzed and then silvered afterward. Also, it had a gold handle. Mogey chose the equally elegant calligraphic implement sometimes known as a "Gallopin' Grape" scented magic marker. This would be a scathing letter alright, a scathing letter indeed.
And so they both selected their writing utensils of choice. Smush hefted his great-grandfather's quill: an arctic pelican's tailfeather that had been bronzed and then silvered afterward. Also, it had a gold handle. Mogey chose the equally elegant calligraphic implement sometimes known as a "Gallopin' Grape" scented magic marker. This would be a scathing letter alright, a scathing letter indeed.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CIII
Two facts are certain about Mogey and Smush: 1) Smush was nothing if not an individual who loved his fortune cookies and 2) Mogey was one of the most forgetful people all the countryside over. These characteristics were no problem so long as they were kept separate, but when Mogey and Smush dined on chinese food, disaster oftentimes ensued. One of these "Kung Pao Catastrophes" as neighboring folk called them, occurred on a day much like today, possibly.
"How's your pork lo mein?" Mogey asked Smush.
"Delish!" Smush replied. "How is your egg foo young?"
"I don't know...what is egg foo young?" Mogey asked.
"Say," said Smush, as he rooted around the delivery box, "where's my fortune cookie?" But it was too late. Even as Smush uttered those words he looked up to see Mogey simultaneously reading and munching: a sure sign that he had eaten a fortune cookie. "No!" Smush cried. "You've eaten my fortune cookie again!"
"I ate a fortune cookie," Mogey retorted. "How do you know it was yours?"
"Mogey, you forgetful lout!" Smush yelled. "You ate yours before anything else! I can't take it anymore! I henceforth ban you from upside-down dinner!"
"How's your pork lo mein?" Mogey asked Smush.
"Delish!" Smush replied. "How is your egg foo young?"
"I don't know...what is egg foo young?" Mogey asked.
"Say," said Smush, as he rooted around the delivery box, "where's my fortune cookie?" But it was too late. Even as Smush uttered those words he looked up to see Mogey simultaneously reading and munching: a sure sign that he had eaten a fortune cookie. "No!" Smush cried. "You've eaten my fortune cookie again!"
"I ate a fortune cookie," Mogey retorted. "How do you know it was yours?"
"Mogey, you forgetful lout!" Smush yelled. "You ate yours before anything else! I can't take it anymore! I henceforth ban you from upside-down dinner!"
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CII
One dark and windy day, Mogey and Smush were journeying beyond Squashborough, beyond Plierville, and beyond Hatdagston, to faraway Goosechester. As they traveled through a dark and murky wood, they encountered a kninja. What is a kninja, you ask? A kninja is a cross between a knight and a ninja, of course...with the valor of a knight and the speed and reflexes of a ninja.
This kninja was sitting astride a horse that was 29 hands high if it was a foot. He wore a knight's helmet and ninja robes, and his hand clutched three glinting ninja stars.
"All who pass this way will pay the dearest price of all!" the kninja bellowed, brandishing his stars.
"And what is that?" Mogey asked.
"A hertz..." the kninja said theatrically, "doughnut."
"By the wrinkles on my grandpappy's kneecaps," Smush murmured, aghast. "We'd better find another path, Mogey. And quickly."
This kninja was sitting astride a horse that was 29 hands high if it was a foot. He wore a knight's helmet and ninja robes, and his hand clutched three glinting ninja stars.
"All who pass this way will pay the dearest price of all!" the kninja bellowed, brandishing his stars.
"And what is that?" Mogey asked.
"A hertz..." the kninja said theatrically, "doughnut."
"By the wrinkles on my grandpappy's kneecaps," Smush murmured, aghast. "We'd better find another path, Mogey. And quickly."
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CI
One summer afternoon Mogey and Smush were on holiday down by the seashore. They had just arrived and were unpacking their carpetbags at a small letting house called the Wafflesauce Inn.
"Well Mogey, here we are," Smush said. "What would you like to do first?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Mogey replied. "I want to see that rare seasonal phenomenon unique to this region."
"And that is?" Smush asked.
"I want to see the great human dwarf pyramid of Kittleswick Bay," Mogey said. "A cornucopia of dwarfs stacked upon dwarfs, stretching high into the sky. Tonight at 7:00, they go for the all-time record."
"Well Mogey, here we are," Smush said. "What would you like to do first?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Mogey replied. "I want to see that rare seasonal phenomenon unique to this region."
"And that is?" Smush asked.
"I want to see the great human dwarf pyramid of Kittleswick Bay," Mogey said. "A cornucopia of dwarfs stacked upon dwarfs, stretching high into the sky. Tonight at 7:00, they go for the all-time record."
Saturday, May 2, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume C
One day it was bright
and sunny outside
And Mogey and Smush
brushed their cares aside
"What cares?" some might ask
there were more than a few
Like weeding the parsnips
and cleaning the flue
From cooking pot pies
to toasting marshmellows
Old Mogey and Smush
were two quite busy fellows
But today they embraced
Mother Nature's appeal
With Smush on his scooter
Mogey on his big wheel
They rode over the land
and Smush took the lead
Til they came to a sign
that said "do not proceed"
This would have been magical
it would have been great
If it weren't for the presence
of Hergbert McTate
Hergbert pulled up
he was far from a farmer
In his big wheel all covered
with gold-plated armor
Smush whispered, pretending
to retie his laces
"He's wanted in five counties
for big wheel drag races"
But Mogey had always
been cunning and sly
And as Hergbert peered over
looked him straight in the eye
"I have a challenge,
you big sloppy toad!
How about if we race
to old Cheese Road?"
This was Mogey's cry
as his vision turned red
McTate merely nodded
then stared straight ahead
Then Hergbert sped forward
as Smush yelled in anguish
But Mogey sat calmly
eating a sangwich
"He's getting away!"
Smush yelled to the night.
"He's going to win!"
But Mogey said "It's alright!
McTate may be fast
but he isn't so smart.
Cheese Road is two hundred feet
back from the start."
and sunny outside
And Mogey and Smush
brushed their cares aside
"What cares?" some might ask
there were more than a few
Like weeding the parsnips
and cleaning the flue
From cooking pot pies
to toasting marshmellows
Old Mogey and Smush
were two quite busy fellows
But today they embraced
Mother Nature's appeal
With Smush on his scooter
Mogey on his big wheel
They rode over the land
and Smush took the lead
Til they came to a sign
that said "do not proceed"
This would have been magical
it would have been great
If it weren't for the presence
of Hergbert McTate
Hergbert pulled up
he was far from a farmer
In his big wheel all covered
with gold-plated armor
Smush whispered, pretending
to retie his laces
"He's wanted in five counties
for big wheel drag races"
But Mogey had always
been cunning and sly
And as Hergbert peered over
looked him straight in the eye
"I have a challenge,
you big sloppy toad!
How about if we race
to old Cheese Road?"
This was Mogey's cry
as his vision turned red
McTate merely nodded
then stared straight ahead
Then Hergbert sped forward
as Smush yelled in anguish
But Mogey sat calmly
eating a sangwich
"He's getting away!"
Smush yelled to the night.
"He's going to win!"
But Mogey said "It's alright!
McTate may be fast
but he isn't so smart.
Cheese Road is two hundred feet
back from the start."
Thursday, April 30, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume XCIX
One day Mogey and Smush were heading on down to the haberdasher to get their shirts taken out. Their collective poundage had increased considerably since they had discovered how easy it was to make mozzarella sticks if you have an in-house frialator, and now their shirts had grown uncomfortably tight. The worst area was about the wrists, where the shirts were so constrictive that their hands had swollen up to triple their normal size, but Mogey and Smush had far too much propriety to unbutton their cuffs.
They were almost halfway to town when they encountered a tiny chipmunk sitting on his haunches in the middle of the road. Mogey, who was always taken with the small creatures of the land, crouched down to greet the little fellow.
"Hello, my friend," Mogey said. "What can I do for you?"
The chipmunk cocked his head to the side curiously for a moment before launching himself forward and locking his jaws around Mogey's finger like a steel bear trap. With no warning, two dozen more of the creatures barrelled out into the highway and began nipping at Mogey and Smush's hands with reckless abandon.
"Oh no!" Smush shouted. "These aren't chipmunks at all, they're sausage squirrels! They must think our fingers are kielbasas! Run for it!"
They were almost halfway to town when they encountered a tiny chipmunk sitting on his haunches in the middle of the road. Mogey, who was always taken with the small creatures of the land, crouched down to greet the little fellow.
"Hello, my friend," Mogey said. "What can I do for you?"
The chipmunk cocked his head to the side curiously for a moment before launching himself forward and locking his jaws around Mogey's finger like a steel bear trap. With no warning, two dozen more of the creatures barrelled out into the highway and began nipping at Mogey and Smush's hands with reckless abandon.
"Oh no!" Smush shouted. "These aren't chipmunks at all, they're sausage squirrels! They must think our fingers are kielbasas! Run for it!"
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume XCVIII
It was dust devil season and so Mogey and Smush headed out on the range. They both wore their worst waistcoats and trousers and strapped down their spectacles with double-bonded duct tape.
The range was covered with more dust devils than there were horns on a horned toadie and Mogey and Smush rode every one they could catch, hurling themselves into the little twisters only to be spun around and around and then spat out the top. A possibly wise old man had once told them "All manner of objects can be encountered while flying about the inside of a dust devil, you twits!" so Mogey and Smush were careful to see them all: from Cowpoke Tomkins's cowpoker, to the bell from the highest tower of Meiserbrook Castle, to a pleasant young man named Bootsey O'Clure, who had some interesting things to say about the Ashbyville football team.
Finally Mogey and Smush were plum tuckered out, but they were ready for one last dust devil ride. That was when the grandpapa, the big daddy, the mighty-mighty, or as it's called by some, a big dustdevil, happened to strike. Smush caught it almost instantly and was lifted from the ground and up into the swirling vortex, but Mogey, whose plum was just a bit more tuckered than Smush's, couldn't keep up. After a good 40 seconds of spinning, Smush was thrown from the very top of the dust devil and landed next to Mogey wearing nothing but his sunglasses.
"My goodness, Smush," Mogey said, "take my waistcoat and cover yourself! What happened in there?"
"Dust devil season!" Smush answered, giving Mogey a heart slap on the back as he tied the waistcoat about his middle. "Is there anything better?"
The range was covered with more dust devils than there were horns on a horned toadie and Mogey and Smush rode every one they could catch, hurling themselves into the little twisters only to be spun around and around and then spat out the top. A possibly wise old man had once told them "All manner of objects can be encountered while flying about the inside of a dust devil, you twits!" so Mogey and Smush were careful to see them all: from Cowpoke Tomkins's cowpoker, to the bell from the highest tower of Meiserbrook Castle, to a pleasant young man named Bootsey O'Clure, who had some interesting things to say about the Ashbyville football team.
Finally Mogey and Smush were plum tuckered out, but they were ready for one last dust devil ride. That was when the grandpapa, the big daddy, the mighty-mighty, or as it's called by some, a big dustdevil, happened to strike. Smush caught it almost instantly and was lifted from the ground and up into the swirling vortex, but Mogey, whose plum was just a bit more tuckered than Smush's, couldn't keep up. After a good 40 seconds of spinning, Smush was thrown from the very top of the dust devil and landed next to Mogey wearing nothing but his sunglasses.
"My goodness, Smush," Mogey said, "take my waistcoat and cover yourself! What happened in there?"
"Dust devil season!" Smush answered, giving Mogey a heart slap on the back as he tied the waistcoat about his middle. "Is there anything better?"
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume XCVII
"Smush," Mogey said one winter's day, "you ever think that maybe we should start a band?"
Smush left off the cinnamon buns he was making and flung his arms up, showering Mogey and much of the kitchen with flour.
"How can you say that?" he demanded. "When we already have a band!"
"What is this madness?" Mogey said. "We aren't in any band."
"Well then I suppose the Mogey and Smush Fife and Accordian Magic Machine Experience is just a figment of my imagination?" Smush asked.
"Wasn't that just the two of us marching around town with a slide whistle and a sleeve of oreos?" Mogey replied. "Although it's true we were mighty popular with the ladies..."
Smush left off the cinnamon buns he was making and flung his arms up, showering Mogey and much of the kitchen with flour.
"How can you say that?" he demanded. "When we already have a band!"
"What is this madness?" Mogey said. "We aren't in any band."
"Well then I suppose the Mogey and Smush Fife and Accordian Magic Machine Experience is just a figment of my imagination?" Smush asked.
"Wasn't that just the two of us marching around town with a slide whistle and a sleeve of oreos?" Mogey replied. "Although it's true we were mighty popular with the ladies..."
Monday, April 27, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume XCVI
One day towards the end of autumn, Mogey and Smush were cavorting about the hills and dales of old Winsal Upon Snook. Smush had begun climbing an old gnarled tree when he spotted a most unusual piece of fruit hanging from one of its topmost branches.
"Mogey!" he called. "You're not going to believe this, but I think I've found a pineapple!"
"A pineapple?" Mogey replied. "But I've only heard tell of those in my wildest imaginings."
"Same here," Smush said, "but I don't know what else this could be, take a look." Mogey craned his eyes into the tree and caught sight of the fruit in question. It was an apple all right, an apple with pine cones hanging from it every which way.
"No Smush, don't!" Mogey yelled. "It's a trap!"
But it was too late. Smush had gotten into a mighty precarious position reaching out for that "pineapple" and just as he was about to grasp it, the tree gave a shimmy, a shake, and a Ho-Ho-Ho and Smush was thrown from his high perch, landing in a thick pile of nettles. As Mogey tried to help his friend de-nettle himself, the tree let out another booming laugh and shook like a bowl full of melted pudding pops.
"It wasn't a pineapple at all," Smush said, staring off into the distance. "The pranking tree of Winsal Upon Snook has struck again."
"Mogey!" he called. "You're not going to believe this, but I think I've found a pineapple!"
"A pineapple?" Mogey replied. "But I've only heard tell of those in my wildest imaginings."
"Same here," Smush said, "but I don't know what else this could be, take a look." Mogey craned his eyes into the tree and caught sight of the fruit in question. It was an apple all right, an apple with pine cones hanging from it every which way.
"No Smush, don't!" Mogey yelled. "It's a trap!"
But it was too late. Smush had gotten into a mighty precarious position reaching out for that "pineapple" and just as he was about to grasp it, the tree gave a shimmy, a shake, and a Ho-Ho-Ho and Smush was thrown from his high perch, landing in a thick pile of nettles. As Mogey tried to help his friend de-nettle himself, the tree let out another booming laugh and shook like a bowl full of melted pudding pops.
"It wasn't a pineapple at all," Smush said, staring off into the distance. "The pranking tree of Winsal Upon Snook has struck again."
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume XCIV
One morning Smush woke up in mortal terror: his legs weren't working, they weren't working at all. His legs still looked as ruddy and generously apportioned as always but he couldn't feel them or move them even one inch.
"Mogey!" he yelled, in a panic. "Come in here quick!"
"What is it?" Mogey asked as he strode in from making hot cross buns, billowing a cloud of flour dust behind him.
"It's my legs!" Smush cried. "I can't feel them! I think I may have the polio...or that other leg one...what's it called...."
"Paralytic Nobendyitus?" Mogey asked. Smush nodded vigorously. "Don't worry young chap, you don't have Paralytic Nobendyitus. Your legs are just asleep."
"How do you know that?" Smush said.
"Well for one thing, they're snoring," Mogey replied. "Quite loud, I might add. And for another, I came in here and sat on them for twenty minutes while I was tying my shoes."
"You sat on my legs?" Smush demanded. "Why in the world would you do something as outlandish as that?"
"They're warmer than the edge of my bed," Mogey said, shaking his head as though this were the most obvious thing in the world, which it was.
"Mogey!" he yelled, in a panic. "Come in here quick!"
"What is it?" Mogey asked as he strode in from making hot cross buns, billowing a cloud of flour dust behind him.
"It's my legs!" Smush cried. "I can't feel them! I think I may have the polio...or that other leg one...what's it called...."
"Paralytic Nobendyitus?" Mogey asked. Smush nodded vigorously. "Don't worry young chap, you don't have Paralytic Nobendyitus. Your legs are just asleep."
"How do you know that?" Smush said.
"Well for one thing, they're snoring," Mogey replied. "Quite loud, I might add. And for another, I came in here and sat on them for twenty minutes while I was tying my shoes."
"You sat on my legs?" Smush demanded. "Why in the world would you do something as outlandish as that?"
"They're warmer than the edge of my bed," Mogey said, shaking his head as though this were the most obvious thing in the world, which it was.
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume XCV
One blustery day Mogey and Smush were hiking to a cabin they'd heard tell of up in Frooterby Notch. It had been a long, perspiry slog up the old sheeping trail, especially for two fellows as portly and fond of butters as Mogey and Smush, but finally they made it.
"Hooray! We've done it!" Mogey shouted, as the cabin came within view. "Look at this place! Way up here in the clouds...there's a fire pit, and a picnic table, and...is that?"
"Easy Mogey," Smush cautioned.
"It is! It's a mooselounger!" Mogey said eagerly. "I haven't seen one of those since my Grandpappy McRooney had one when I was but a young pup. I call first sit in it!"
Mogey dropped is rucksack and ran for the mooselounger with its comfortable antler-scoop seat and furry footrest. He vaulted over the woodpile and landed on the mooselounger with a loud woosh.
But it just so happened that this mooselounger wasn't a mooselounger so much as it was an actual moose, and as everyone knows, moose don't like to be landed on with a loud woosh. Not one bit. The moose got to his feet, bucked Mogey off, and smacked him right across the face with his hoof.
"Now you've gone and given me agita," the moose said, glowering, "and on a full stomach of meatlovers calzone, too. Shame on you." The moose kicked a bit more sand in Mogey's direction and stomped away in search of some chamomile.
"Hooray! We've done it!" Mogey shouted, as the cabin came within view. "Look at this place! Way up here in the clouds...there's a fire pit, and a picnic table, and...is that?"
"Easy Mogey," Smush cautioned.
"It is! It's a mooselounger!" Mogey said eagerly. "I haven't seen one of those since my Grandpappy McRooney had one when I was but a young pup. I call first sit in it!"
Mogey dropped is rucksack and ran for the mooselounger with its comfortable antler-scoop seat and furry footrest. He vaulted over the woodpile and landed on the mooselounger with a loud woosh.
But it just so happened that this mooselounger wasn't a mooselounger so much as it was an actual moose, and as everyone knows, moose don't like to be landed on with a loud woosh. Not one bit. The moose got to his feet, bucked Mogey off, and smacked him right across the face with his hoof.
"Now you've gone and given me agita," the moose said, glowering, "and on a full stomach of meatlovers calzone, too. Shame on you." The moose kicked a bit more sand in Mogey's direction and stomped away in search of some chamomile.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume XCIII
One afternoon Mogey and Smush were doing the dishes when their friend Ongy Oingy stopped by for a spot of lemon-lime soda pop. Ongy Oingy was a man who was long in the moustache and wide in the belly, so their ancient sofa creaked mightily when he took a seat.
"I've got a question for yehs guys," Ongy Oingy said. "Why is it you're missing a cushion on this couch?"
"Oh that cushion's not missing," Mogey said knowledgably. "It's the imaginary cushion."
"See, the other two cushions, they're just old, dusty, musty sacks," Smush added. "The imaginary cushion can be anything at all: a soft bed of moss...a heap of bunnies...a cloud that's been put in the clothes drier until it's warm as could be...."
"I see," Ongy Oingy replied, taking a thoughtful sip of his lemon lime soda pop. "And you two just got rid of the real cushion that used to be here? For no reason?"
"Well we did coincidentally happen to invent the imaginary cushion the same night Mogey got sick all over the old cushion," Smush answered.
"I ate a really bad batch of blazin' amazin' buffalo chicken wings," Mogey said, shrugging his shoulders in agreement.
"I've got a question for yehs guys," Ongy Oingy said. "Why is it you're missing a cushion on this couch?"
"Oh that cushion's not missing," Mogey said knowledgably. "It's the imaginary cushion."
"See, the other two cushions, they're just old, dusty, musty sacks," Smush added. "The imaginary cushion can be anything at all: a soft bed of moss...a heap of bunnies...a cloud that's been put in the clothes drier until it's warm as could be...."
"I see," Ongy Oingy replied, taking a thoughtful sip of his lemon lime soda pop. "And you two just got rid of the real cushion that used to be here? For no reason?"
"Well we did coincidentally happen to invent the imaginary cushion the same night Mogey got sick all over the old cushion," Smush answered.
"I ate a really bad batch of blazin' amazin' buffalo chicken wings," Mogey said, shrugging his shoulders in agreement.
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume XCII
One morning Mogey and Smush were having breakfast for dinner for breakfast, when Mogey decided to unleash a prank he'd spent the better part of the last 3 - 6 weeks planning.
"Oh Smush," Mogey said, "these oatcakes are awfully bland. Would you like a bit of salt?"
"Sure," said Smush, as he accepted the salt shaker, "what a splendid idea." Smush gave the salt a few shakes before the top popped off, dumping its contents all over Smush's oatcakes. Mogey cackled gleefully.
"Taste it!" he yelled. "Taste your oatcakes now!" Smush stuck a finger in the white mound atop his breakfast for dinner for breakfast plate and realized that it hadn't been salt at all. It was sugar. Smush stared at Mogey with tears in his eyes.
"How did you know?" Smush asked. "How did you know I wanted sugary oatcakes for my birthday? Truly you are the greatest friend a Smush could have!"
"What's that?" Mogey replied, looking up from plate of scones n' cream. "Did you say it was your birthday?"
"Oh Smush," Mogey said, "these oatcakes are awfully bland. Would you like a bit of salt?"
"Sure," said Smush, as he accepted the salt shaker, "what a splendid idea." Smush gave the salt a few shakes before the top popped off, dumping its contents all over Smush's oatcakes. Mogey cackled gleefully.
"Taste it!" he yelled. "Taste your oatcakes now!" Smush stuck a finger in the white mound atop his breakfast for dinner for breakfast plate and realized that it hadn't been salt at all. It was sugar. Smush stared at Mogey with tears in his eyes.
"How did you know?" Smush asked. "How did you know I wanted sugary oatcakes for my birthday? Truly you are the greatest friend a Smush could have!"
"What's that?" Mogey replied, looking up from plate of scones n' cream. "Did you say it was your birthday?"
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