Monday, January 31, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 495

One afternoon, Mogey and Smush were perusing a yard sale at the home of their neighbor, H.P. Moosewither.

"Come have a look at this, Mogey," Smush said as he rummaged through a box of stray kitchen implements. "I found a spoon shaped like a scallop shell."

"Intriguing," Mogey replied, examining the piece of silverware in question. "You know, this reminds me of an idea I had once to design a spoon shaped like a pitchfork."

"Wouldn't that just be a fork?" Smush inquired.

"Yes," Mogey said. "Except for the part where it's a spoon. You see, no one would ever be caught dead eating soup with a fork, but a pitchfork-shaped spoon? Well that just might fly."

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 494

One of Mogey and Smush's least favorite neighbor's was a quirky little man known as The Rhymer. Any time he encountered another person, The Rhymer would make up a rhyme and then hold out his battered old top hat in hopes of receiving a tip.

Mogey rode his razor scooter down to the mailbox one foggy morning, and The Rhymer appeared just as Mogey was collecting his paper.

"There is quite a caper / in this morning's newspaper!" The Rhymer said, bowing and holding out his top hat theatrically. Mogey sighed and turned back up the driveway.

"My job may seem all fun and rhymey / but the paycheck would make you say 'Blimey!'" The Rhymer went on, flourishing his hat once more. Still Mogey ignored him.

"My pet turtles are hungry and sad / won't you please help a struggling lad?" The Rhymer said, waving his top hat under Mogey's nose with more than a hint of annoyance this time.

"If you don't stop these hideous rhymes / I will give you a knuckle sandwich," Mogey declared theatrically as he hopped aboard his razor scooter and cruised back up the driveway.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 493

On a sunny afternoon in the blacksmith's shop, Smush became embroiled in an altercation with a young farrier over how many grapes truly made up a "bunch."

"Seventeen is the bare minimum number of grapes per bunch!" Smush insisted. "And anyone who thinks otherwise is a monkey-knuckled buffoon!"

"Oh I am, am I?" the farrier replied. "Well perhaps you'd like to go outside and settle this the old-fashioned way?"

The old-fashioned way was, of course, to have a cartwheel competition, but the young farrier in question just so happened to be Cartwheelin' Todd, the best cartwheeler in six counties. Still, Smush foolhardily accepted.

"Gladly!" he shouted, storming out into the courtyard.

Cartwheelin' Todd went first, executing six perfect cartwheels in a row and finishing with a reverse handspring, just for show. Smush responded in kind by performing approximately one quarter of one cartwheel before falling flat on his back.

"It was a good effort, at least!" Cartwheelin' Todd said, offering Smush a hand up as he tried to stifle a laugh.

"Curse you, Cartwheelin' Todd," Smush growled. "Curse you and the bicycle you rode in on."

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 492

One evening Mogey and Smush were enjoying a welsh rarebit at their local eating establishment when they noticed a most peculiar creature sitting at the bar.

"Say, Smush, is that a pterodactyl over there?" Mogey asked.

"Why I do believe it is," Smush replied as he glanced over his shoulder. "Shall we go talk to him?"

So after taking a few more bracing bites of rarebit, the intrepid pals ventured to the bar.

"Say, mister," Smush began haltingly. "There's really no polite way to say this, but are you a pterodactyl?"

"No," he answered, heaving a great sigh as though he had been asked this many times before. "I'm just a skinny guy with a long nose and really flabby arms."

"Ah," Smush said, "well I apologize for the insinuation. What's your name, stranger?"

"Terry," the pterodactyly man replied.

"Let me guess!" Mogey exclaimed. "Your last name is 'Dactyl?'"

"Nope," said Terry. "It's 'Peanut.' Terry Peanut, at your service."

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey and Smush Volume 491

Mogey and Smush were putting away their groceries after a trip to market one day when Smush opened an egg carton to make sure all their eggs had made it through the wagon ride intact. Instead of finding eggs inside the crate, however, he discovered it was full of pudding cups.

"Mogey, did you put all these pudding cups in the egg carton?" Smush asked.

"Indeed I did," Mogey replied. "I can't have my tapioca getting all jostled about."

"So what did you do with all the eggs?" Smush demanded.

"I just threw them in with that burlap sack of nickels," Mogey said knowledgeably. "Eggs scarcely ever break, and they don't make much mess when they do."

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 490

As Mogey and Smush made their way home after a pinochle game at a local pinochle establishment, they encountered a large owl perched over the path.

"What's up, Mr. Owl?" Mogey asked cheerily.

"The sky," said the owl, adding, "duh."

"Yes, well, we'd better be on our way home," Smush replied, rolling his eyes.

"You're heading the wrong direction then," the owl mocked. "The loony bin is back where you came from."

"Fiddlesticks," Mogey muttered as he and Smush walked away, trying to ignore the hooting. "That owl is such a wise guy!"

Friday, January 21, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 489

One foggy morning, Mogey and Smush went on a whalewhipping tour. This was much like a whalewatching tour, with the slight difference that instead of gazing peacefully at the leviathans of the deep, customers got to hit them with a riding crop.

"Tharr she blows!" shouted an old salt named Young Pepper. "Avast, tis a mighty bowhead whale to starboard"

"Here it comes!" Mogey squealed excitedly as he and Smush held their riding crops at the ready.

"Say, Young Pepper," Smush called. "What's the deal with the hole in the top of that whale's head?"

"Yarr, that be the blowhole," Young Pepper replied.

"What a grand idea," Mogey said. "I wish I had a blow hole."

"I can help you with that, laddie," Young Pepper said, holding up a rusty hand auger. "Just step into my office."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 488

"Smush! Smush! Come quickly!" Mogey shouted, his voice echoing down the hallways of Big Butte Manor.

Thinking his pal was in the direst of circumstances, Smush hustled all the way from his laboratory in the East Wing to Mogey's private chambers at the tip-top of the tallest tower. He arrived, panting, only to find Mogey, still in his nightshirt, examining the back of his own head in a mirror.

"What is it, Mogey?" Smush asked with a sigh.

"Look at this monstrous bump on my head!" Mogey wailed. "The aliens have finally gotten to me, Smush. They've implanted a tracking device beneath my scalp."

"Putty and butterscotch!" Smush snorted. "Putty and butterscotch I say! There's no alien tracking device. That bump is from when the clock radio fell off the shelf in the den yesterday and landed right on your noggin."

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 487

One day of yore, the Giant Jerk Wolf began terrorizing the countryside. Mogey and Smush, who both lived under a bridge alongside their pal, Troll Steven, decided that they needed more secure dwellings with the Giant Jerk Wolf on the loose.

Smush built a nice little ranch-style house with green shutters, and when he was finished, he stopped by to see how Mogey's new home was coming along. As Smush strode past Mogey's chicken-shaped mailbox, a weighty brick edifice came into view.

"Hello there!" Mogey shouted.

"Ahoy," Smush replied. "So you've chosen to build your house out of brick?"

"Indeed," Mogey said. "What did you use?"


"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Mogey chided. "Don't you know anything? The Giant Jerk Wolf will blow down a house of twigs without batting an eye!"

"They're not... nevermind," Smush said with a sigh. "So let's have the grand tour. Where's your door?"


"Surely there must be a door. I mean, how do you get inside?"

"Oh there is no inside," Mogey replied, "I just sleep out back. But no amount of puffing or huffing from the Giant Jerk Wolf won't blow this house down, no-siree."

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 486

The morning after a rather large blizzard, Mogey and Smush were putting the finishing touches on a grand snowman. He stood about five feet tall and wore a broad straw hat and a leather vest. Mogey stuck a carrot nose into the snowman's face and took a step back to admire their handiwork, but looked rather disappointed.

"What's wrong, Mogey?" Smush asked.

"He's not coming to life!" Mogey lamented.

"Coming to life?"

"Yes," Mogey replied, "isn't that standard snowman behavior?"

"Why yes!" exclaimed a powerful voice. Mogey and Smush both looked in surprise to see the snowman extending his birch twig hand. "The name is Kevin," the snowman went on. "It's a pleasure to meet you!"

Without a word Mogey took a running leap and tackled Kevin the snowman around the middle, disintegrating him into thousands of pieces.

"What are you doing?" Smush exclaimed in shock as Mogey picked himself back up.

"Darn talking snowman gave me the creeps," Mogey replied, brushing snowflakes off his jacket.

Friday, January 7, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 485

Mogey slaved for months to design his new fragrance for men. He experimented with waters and oils derived from all manner of animals, vegetables, and minerals, tweaking the ratios of each ingredient until finally, on a cold September morning, he had gotten it perfect.

Though he felt the cologne was top notch, there was no way to be sure, so before releasing it out into the world, Mogey tried it on his pet bunny, Mort.

"You see this, Mort?" Mogey said, proudly displaying the cow-shaped bottle. "This is going to make me a millionaire. I call it Perpetrator."

Mogey sprayed a small amount of Perpetrator into the air, and Mort sniffed at it daintily. The bunny paused for a moment to contemplate the odor, then wrinkled his nose and leapt backward to cower in the corner of his cage.

"Ugh! What is that?" Smush cried as he stumbled into the room.

"It's Perpetrator, my new fragrance for men," Mogey said, sounding rather hurt.

"Take it outside, will you?" Smush begged. "It smells like crab rangoon and hockey pads in here!"

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 484

One afternoon, Mogey and Smush were in the midst of their second semi-daily trip to the butcher shop when the woman in front of them turned round.

"Excuse me," she said, "you look like two nice young fellows. Would you hold my baby for a moment while I order some liverwurst?"

Before they knew it, a squirming little tot had been thrust into Mogey's arms, and the woman had gone up to the counter.

"Ma'am?" Smush called. "Ma'am, I'm not sure Mogey is qualified--"

"Shh!" Mogey silenced him. "I can handle it."

The baby cooed happily as Mogey bounced him and began to hum quietly, finally breaking into a full on lullaby.

"Bye baby Bunting, Mogey's gone a-hunting," he sang. "Gone to get a turnip bin to put the baby Bunting in."

"What in the world are you singing to my child?" the woman shrieked, snatching the babe back and resting its head carefully on a bag of liverwurst before storming out of the shop.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 483

"TIMBERRRRRRRRR!" Smush called as his axe bit a final chunk of wood out of the mighty hemlock. The tree fell, slowly at first, but speeding up until it crashed to the ground amid a cacophony of snapping branches.

"Why'd you say that?" an extremely muddy Mogey asked, sauntering up to Smush with swim fins on his feet and a cup of soda pop in his hand.

"What are you--? Where did you--?" Smush stammered, before giving up on trying to figure his pal out. "Never mind. I yelled 'Timber' so that anyone around would know I was felling a tree."

"Well that's a remarkably self-centered idea, isn't it?" Mogey said. "Yelling so that everyone will stop and pay attention to whatever you're doing? I like it. I like it a lot. Anyhow, I'm getting a bit peckish. WAFFFFFLLLESSSS!"

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 482

Mogey and Smush were paddle-boat racing one foggy morning across a small pond. The only trouble was, neither of their paddle-boats could sail straight, so the race consisted of both competitors traveling in wobbly circles. Not only that, but a thick layer of lily pads carpeted the water, gumming up Mogey and Smush's paddling mechanisms, and causing general disarray.

It was in the midst of these shenanigans - just as Mogey and Smush began to hurl lily pads at one another, frisbee style - that a walrephant stuck his balding head out of the water.

"Knock that racket off, will you?" the walrephant bellowed. "Can't a walrephant enjoy some submarine grazing in peace?"

"Walrephant?" Mogey said, as both he and Smush stopped paddling. "What is that, a half walrus, half elephant?"

"Indeed," the walrephant replied.

"I see," Smush interjected, "and what's your name?"

"Demetri," the walrephant said. "I am Demetri the walrephant, son of Blebletri the walrephant."

"Yep," Mogey said with a sigh, taking aim at Smush with another lily pad, "you seem like the sort of creature we'd run into."

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 481

One roly poly afternoon, Mogey and Smush climbed the roly poly cliffs of Roly Polia. When they reached the top, Mogey and Smush found themselves strangely not winded.

"I don't understand it, Smush," Mogey said. "I lose my breath climbing from the regular pantry up to the cookie pantry!"

"As do I," Smush replied, "and I feel strangely svelte. My tummy is only protruding seven or eight inches out from my pants."

"Isn't that squirrel over there eating a cheesy gordita crunch?" Mogey said, pointing at a squirrel reclining in a nearby tree. "Compared to him we seem like downright health enthusiasts!"

"Truly this Roly Polia is a magical place," Smush murmered, staring around in wonder.