Friday, November 14, 2014

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 644

Mogey and Smush crashed through the tall grass, their arms clutching golden candlesticks, jewel-encrusted meat thermometers, and all manner of other ludicrous treasures. When they finally emerged into a clearing before the entrance to their secret cave, both pals were gasping for air.

"Open Sesame!" Mogey wheezed, but the door hidden in the wall of stone didn't budge.

"You changed the password, remember?" Smush said.

"So I did... Open Licorice!" Still the doorway did not emerge.

"Hurry, Mogey - the sultan's soldiers will be here any minute!"

"Open Bacon! Open Butter Brickle! Open Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese! Shoot!" Mogey exclaimed. "I know it was one of my favorite foods."

"But that's all of them!" Smush said desperately as the hoofbeats of a dozen soldiers mounted upon mighty steeds (horses, probably, or perhaps large pigs) thundered in their ears. "Every food is your favorite food!"

"Too true, Smush," Mogey replied, taking one last long gaze at a toilet brush adorned with rubies and emeralds, "too true."

Friday, September 5, 2014

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 643

After Mogey and Smush saved the life of Earl Earlington, Earl of Earlham, Lord Earlington insisted that the two pals spend a holiday in his Earldom. Mogey and Smush were hesitant, in the first place because they were worried about the midnight snacking policy in a place as proper as Earlham Castle, and in the second place because the only reason Lord Earlington had needed saving was that they had summoned the evil spirit Choo Choo Magoo in an attempt to win a dance-off. Choo Choo was malicious, but he was also one heck of a dancer, and Mogey and Smush were desperate. When the dance-off ended with Mogey, Smush and Choo Choo victorious, the ghoul then attempted to devour the judges (of whom Lord Earlington was one) whole, and was only stopped when Mogey and Smush used a serviceable imitation of his arch nemesis, Enormobrawn Ironpants, to distract him.

Anyhow, the lure of whole roast beasts of many species overcame Mogey and Smush's guilt, and they took Lord Earlington up on his offer. Sure enough, they learned that midnight snacking was discouraged at Earlham, which was how Mogey and Smush found themselves creeping through the darkened castle in search of the kitchens.

Multiple minutes into their search, as the rumblies in their respective tumblies reached a deafening level, Mogey and Smush came upon a balcony that looked out into the Great Hall. They could see the entrance to the kitchens, but the floor lay 50 feet below, with no easy way down.

"I know," Mogey whispered. "We'll slide down the tapestry like the secret agents do! I've seen it a hundred times."

"You mean this priceless tapestry that Lord Earlington said has been in his family for several hundred generations?" Smush asked. Mogey nodded. Both of their tumblies rumblied audibly. "What choice do we have?"

Each pal grabbed one side of the immense tapestry that hung below their balcony, swung their legs over the railing, and began to shimmy down hand over hand. Almost immediately, the fabric began to rip apart, and with a wrenching sound, the whole tapestry tore in half, sending Mogey and Smush tumbling to the floor. Smush groaned and propped himself up on one elbow, gazing up at the 50-foot-long tear.

"Let's get to the kitchens, grab some dunkaroos and a staple gun, and get to work, Mogey," he said. "It's going to be a long night."

Friday, August 15, 2014

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 642

"How sure are you that it's safe?" Smush asked Mogey as the two pals gazed up at their new tree fort. Mogey had spent fifty painstaking minutes assembling the building - which took up the top third of a mammoth redwood tree out back - out of particle board, packing tape, and that multicolored clay that you buy in arts & crafts stores. Mogey loved arts & crafts stores.

"I'm positive," Mogey replied. "There's a better chance of someone not smoking a pipe calling you 'old bean,' than of this tree fort falling apart. Has someone not smoking a pipe ever called you 'old bean?'"

"Of course not - what would he tap thoughtfully on his chin? His walking stick? I think not."

"Precisely," Mogey said. "Now watch me: I'll show you just how safe this fort is." He leapt onto the rope ladder with the grace of a baby whose diaper is too tight and began to climb. When he reached the halfway point of the 80-foot climb, the tree fort completely imploded, showering the area with potato chips and dippin' sauces, and sending the ladder plummeting earthward.

Luckily, the globose Mogey was an extremely bouncy fellow, and he absorbed the force of his fall with only a mild look of annoyance as he rebounded back into the air. Impatiently, he waited for the bouncing to subside while Smush scurried around the forest floor in search of chip crumbs.

Friday, August 1, 2014

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 641

Mogey and Smush met for the first time in the crowded cafeteria of St. Pumpernickel's School for Troublesome Lads on a gloomy day long ago. Smush was about to chomp into a pickled beef sandwich when he heard a grunt across the table that - at first - he assumed had come from a stray pygmy hippopotamus, of which St. Pumpernickel's had many.

"Oy," said the grunter, who was of course our old friend Mogey, "I'll trade you this jar of cabbage'n'stuff for your fruit-by-the-foot."

Smush paused mid-bite, a feat more uncommon than lightning striking twice and then issuing a formal apology for overzealousness.

"How about my cold guinea fowl leg for your butterscotch pudding cup?" he replied.

And so ensued a half hour of fierce negotiations, mediated by a stern, but fair, third party: Billy "Li'l Baaaa" Goatherd. When it was over, Smush had acquired two strips of bacon, a magnetic checkers board, a pile of candy corns, a pog slammer shaped like a cobra skull, and a hefty slice of turkey pie. Mogey, on the other hand, had gained the fruit-by-the-foot, a year-old Highlights magazine, the alleged key to the school's alleged chicken coop, and some jerky of unknown origins.

"I believe this is the beginning of a long and prosperous friendship," said Smush with a wide grin.

"Whatsat?" Mogey sputtered. He glanced up quickly, then resumed trying to suck butterscotch pudding through a rolled up fruit-by-the-foot.

Friday, July 25, 2014

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 640

One evening, Mogey and Smush were headed home after playing an invigorating whist tournament against the likes of Rupert Grandiose, tortoise historian and a troll named Beastly. As they passed a local establishment known as The Horse and Corncob, Mogey paused.

"You know," he said, "this establishment would be the perfect establishment for some mountebankery."

"Some what?" Smush inquired.

"You know, a swindle. A charlatan's quackery."

"I feel sure that you don't know what any of those expressions mean," Smush asked. "You think they're some kind of food, don't you?"


"Yes you do, you think they refer to a savory pastry involving apples, bacon, and possibly a duck."

"Well, don't they?" Mogey replied pleadingly as his tummy growled with the power of a trash compactor crushing two dozen short tons of stale graham crackers to a delicious powder.