Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 462

Mogey and Smush rode their Conestoga wagon across the land, over hill and dale, en route to what was supposedly a really fun polka festival. On occasion their route forced them to pass through a tunnel, but tunnels in those days were extremely dangerous. Collapses were common, and many of the older passages were held up only by chewing gum, duct tape, and cupcake wrappers.

Being the superstitious lad he was, Smush would reign the oxen in at every tunnel, coming to a halt just before the entrance. He would hop spryly from the wagon, spit on the ground, and then climb cheerfully back up into the driver's seat.

"I must ask you, Smush," Mogey said as his pal performed this ritual for the umpteenth time, "where did you learn such an odd tradition? Do you really think spitting will bring us luck?"

"I don't spit for luck," Smush replied. "I've just had this terrible taste in my mouth since we passed through Timbuktu. I think it might've been that anchovy and mustard turnover I ate."

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 461

"Oy, Smush," Mogey called, catching his pal clambering out of the aboveground pool in the back yard. "I've got a great new game for us to play."

"Sensational!" Smush exclaimed as he extracted several small rock crabs from his unruly mane of hair. "What's the game?"

"It's called mumblety-peg," Mogey replied. "And apparently it's a hoot and a three quarters. You take this jack-knife, see? And you have to throw it into the ground as hard as you can, with the goal of landing it as close to your foot as possible."

"I see," Smush said, nodding sagely. "And what do you get, supposing you win the game?"

"Well," Mogey answered. "Supposing you throw the knife closer in than I do -- without stabbing your foot of course --."

"Of course," Smush reiterated.

"If you do that, then your prize is pretty special," Mogey continued. "You win the privilege of playing another game of mumblety-peg!"

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 460

One afternoon, Mogey flopped down onto the sofa, only to find himself lying on the softest, most comfortable thing he'd ever felt. After falling asleep six times, Mogey finally managed to extract the object from underneath his back.

"I see you like my new pillow," Smush said, striding into the room as Mogey examined the delightful cushion.

"Smush, this is literally the softest thing I've ever felt!" Mogey exclaimed.

"Well it ought to be," Smush replied with a grin. "It's made from the fur of five hundred baby chinchillas."

"No! Smush, you didn't?" Mogey whimpered.

"Don't worry, laddie," Smush said. "I didn't hurt the chinchillas. I shaved them."

"That must've taken ages," Mogey conjectured.

"Sure did," Smush replied. "But the shaving was nothing compared to getting the little buggers to leave. You should try shooing five hundred bald chinchillas out of your cellar sometime. It is not fun."

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 459

"Mogey, what are you doing?" Smush asked as he came upon his pal wearing a green bandanna and rummaging through the icebox.

"Today, I am not Mogey," Mogey replied. "I am Brock O'Lee, veggie-wielding action hero!"

"You are?" Smush said, rolling his eyes. "So what do you do, exactly?"

"I use vegetables to fight crime!" Mogey answered proudly. "For instance, I might take this tomato here, and throw it into the eyes of a bank-robbing villain."

"That's all well and good," Smush remarked, "but a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable."

"Ah," Mogey replied, "right you are. Well then perhaps I would fashion a club out of this cucumber..."

"Sorry Mogey," Smush chimed in, "but cucumbers are fruits as well."

"Then maybe I'd use a pepper to--"

"Fruit!" Smush interrupted.

"Darn it..." Mogey muttered. "Isn't anything a vegetable? Or will Brock O'Lee have to fight crime weaponless?"

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 458

"Psst!" Smush hissed at Mogey over his schoolbooks. "Cut out that doodling, Mogey! You're going to get us kicked out of class!"

"Why?" Mogey whispered back. "You're doing it too!"

"I'm not doodling," Smush retorted. "I'm taking notes."

"Notes?" Mogey asked. "What in the world are notes?"

"I write down whatever the teacher says so that I can read it again later," Smush answered.

"You actually listen to the teacher?" Mogey exclaimed. "Smush, that's highly dangerous. My nana told me that if I look into the eyes of a teacher, the teacher will imprison my soul in a jack-in-the-box and I'll have to hum 'Pop Goes the Weasel' for the rest of my days!"

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 457

"Hey Smush, check out my new pogo stick," Mogey said, proudly handing the shiny device to his pal. "But be careful with that, it's not a toy."

"I'm fairly sure that's exactly what it is," Smush replied, giving the pogo stick a few cursory jumps.

"Nuh-uh," Mogey insisted. "My livelihood depends on that pogo stick. It's my principal mode of transportation."

"You use this thing to get to work in the morning?" Smush exclaimed. "It must take ages!"

"Not at all," Mogey said. "I can cover two miles by pogo in just under three hours. That's almost two times faster than hopping to work on foot!"

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 456

"I'll take a half-and-half, barkeep!" Mogey said one afternoon as he and Smush had stepped into the local pub for some refreshments.

"And I'll have a cherry soda," Smush chimed in. The bartender grunted in response and soon plunked a full mug down before each of them.

Mogey took a large gulp, made a horrible face, and sprayed a mouthful of liquid onto the mirror behind the bar.

"Ugh! " Mogey groaned. "What is this?"

"It's half-and-half, just like you ask for!" the dismayed bartender replied. "Half dark beer and half light!"

"Well it's horrible," Mogey said. "I was referring to the dairy version of a half-and-half. Duh."

The frustrated bartender poured Mogey a frosty new mug and set it in front of him. Once again Mogey took a large gulp, and once again he sprayed it out of his mouth, all over a nearby couple this time.

"This is awful too!" Mogey shrieked, wiping his tongue off with a napkin.

"But I made you a dairy half-and-half," the bartender insisted. "Half milk and half cream."

"What a dreadful sounding combination," Mogey replied. "Where I come from, a half-and-half is half cream, and the other half is cream as well."

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 455

In the center of Parsonsville there stood a monument to the town's primary industry: pacifier manufacturing. The monument consisted of an enormous brass sculpture of a baby pacifier, and among townspeople it was known as "The Brassifier."

"One of these days, Mogey," Smush muttered as they walked past The Brassifier one wintry evening. "One of these days I'm going to steal that grand sculpture and put it on my mantle."

"Why not tonight?" Mogey replied. "Constable Clonker's wife cooked liver'n'sauerkraut for dinner, so you know he won't be leaving the table anytime soon."

"You're completely right!" Smush replied. "Tonight that great brass binkie can be ours at last!"

Mogey and Smush quickly liberated The Brassifier from its normal perch, and finding it stupendously heavy, were forced to drag it all the way home. The sculpture had only been in their possession a few hours when Mogey and Smush heard a loud knock at the door.

"Give back The Brassifier!" was Constable Clonker's sauerkraut-scented howl when Smush opened the door. "Who do you two knuckleheads think you are?"

"Have mercy!" Smush pleaded, falling to his knees. "How did you know it was us?"

"Well for one, you're the only troublemakers in town who would try something like this," Constable Clonker replied, peering over Smush's shoulder at The Brassifier, which lay beneath the remains of their collapsed mantle. "But there's also a three-inch deep groove in the dirt road leading from town square all the way to your front door."

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 454

On a summer day when the sky was bright blue and dotted with fluffy clouds, Mogey and Smush were striding through a hayfield en route to the County-Wide Everything-Must-Go All-You-Can-Carry Beef Jerky Clearance Sale.

"I say, Smush," Mogey spoke up at the hay stalks crunched beneath their feet, "today would be a perfect day for a bit of cloud-riding."

"What in the world is cloud-riding?" Smush asked.

"Allow me to demonstrate," Mogey replied. He took a deep breath and let out a piercing whistle, at which a small cloud zoomed straight out of the sky and parked itself right in front of them. Mogey hopped aboard and the cloud held his weight as though it was a floating sofa. "That's how it's done!" Mogey said. "You give it a try now, Smush." And he sped off atop his fluffy white steed.

Smush was as befuddled by Mogey's antics as ever, but he figured there was nothing else for it. Breathing in as deeply as he could, Smush stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly. Sure enough, another little cloud came to an abrupt halt just beside him.

Emboldened by his whistling success, Smush took a running start and leaped atop the cloud, only to fall right through it and land painfully on the ground below.

"What are you doing, Smush?" Mogey called, reappearing as quickly as he had left. "You've got to give the cloud a pat in the hind parts and snap your fingers twice before you hop on! Sheesh, do I have to tell you everything?"

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 453

"Goodbye!" Smush called to the butcher as he and Mogey exited the shop with three pounds of finest beef brisket for their afternoon snack.

"You know, Smush, I've been thinking," Mogey said. "It's high time we stopped using that tired old word 'goodbye,' and switched to something sleeker and more sophisticated."

"What about 'farewell?'" Smush asked. "Or 'cheerio?'"

"Nah," Mogey said dismissively, "I've got a new word of my own devising. Are you excited to hear it?"

"Meh," Smush replied.

"I knew you would be," Mogey continued. "The new Mogey special is... 'toodeloo!'"

"What?" Smush rejoined. "You didn't make that up - it's already a word! In fact, Great Uncle Magooly sent us on our way with a toodeloo when we visited him last Tuesday!"

"Smush," Mogey responded slowly, "I've learned some bizarre facts of science and philosophy in my day, but you literally just blew my mind."

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 452

One afternoon, Mogey and Smush were working on their tree house when a red-billed dorkbird alighted on a nearby branch. The dorkbird was a good foot taller than Mogey and Smush, and like all dorkbirds, he was on a never-ending search for raisins.

"Get outta here, dorkbird!" Mogey shouted, attempting to shoo it away with a broom.

"Dork, dork, dork?" said the dorkbird, by which it meant "you guys got any raisins?"

"Get lost, I say!" Mogey yelled again.

"Dork, dork, dork?" said the dorkbird.

"Ain't no raisins here," Smush stated quietly as he cocked his Winchester 12-gauge pump-action shotgun. "You'd best be moving along."

At that the red-billed dorkbird took off and flapped away faster than a Swede who just chugged a quart of hot sauce.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 451

"Are you ready?" Smush asked, holding Mogey's tire in place at the top of Phil Hill.

"It's time for me to be a man," Mogey replied, strapping on his driving goggles. He gripped the sides of the tire tightly as he stared down from Phil Hill's dusty summit. "Let's do this!"

Smush gave Mogey's tire a small push; it tipped over the edge of the hill and began to roll. The huge rubber donut went slowly at first, but it picked up speed at a remarkable rate. By the time it was halfway down, even the smallest bumps were propelling Mogey's tire dozens of feet into the air.

Finally, Mogey came to a crashing halt against one of Farmer Moogin's enormous hay bales. For a moment, Smush was worried that something dreadful had happened to his pal, but after a few seconds Mogey got to his feet and began lugging the tire back up Phil Hill.

"How was it?" Smush asked when Mogey neared the top.

"Horribly painful," Mogey said.

"You know, I was thinking," Smush interjected. "Most of the other kids seem to ride on the inside of the tire. Maybe you should try that next time."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 450

One misty morning, Mogey and Smush were walking through the Enchanted Forest of Blurch as tottens flitted overhead mounted upon their bird steeds. The tottens were a mysterious race of people who stood but three inches high and lived only in the Enchanted Forest of Blurch. Supposedly they tasted pretty darn good on bagel, but magic spells protected them within the confines of the forest.

"Say Smush," Mogey said as they ambled along, "these tottens ride around on some pretty boss creatures. What would you ride if you were a totten?"

"Probably an ivory billed woodpecker," Smush replied. "And you?"

"A snail," Mogey answered happily.

"A snail?" Smush exclaimed. "But it would take so long to get anywhere."

"True," Mogey said, "but think of all the ladies I would get if I was riding atop a trusty steed named Snails McGrint. I'd be in no hurry at all."

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 449

When they were but five years of age, a wizard had come to Mogey and Smush and bestowed upon them an epic quest. It was a quest that had confounded the world for centuries; a quest many had tried - and failed - to complete. Their mission was (of course) to find "the perfect hot dog."

Which was how Mogey and Smush found themselves at an old forgotten ballpark in Centerburg many years later, eating the umpteenth hot dog of their lives.

"What do you think of this one, Mogey?" Smush asked as he munched a bite of dog. "Could it be the PHD?"

"The dog is cooked to the exact right temperature," Mogey replied. "The bun is soft and plump."

"Aye," Smush agreed.

"The relish is both sweet and sour," Mogey went on. "And they call the mustard spicy brown because it's spicy and brown."

"True," said Smush.

"But it's not perfect," Mogey added sadly.

"No," Smush said, "it's not. Curse you, Wizard Wacklehooz!"

"Say," interrupted the crinkly old cook manning the concession stand, "I couldn't help but overhear. Have you gents ever tried our deep fried hot dogs? We take a dog dog just like the one in your hand, dip her in batter and fry her to a golden brown."

Having nothing to lose, Mogey and Smush ordered a couple fried dogs out of desperation more than hope. When they were ready, the cook winked and handed the dogs to Mogey and Smush in sheets of wax paper. Apprehensively, the pals each took a bite. Seconds later they were both in tears.

"We've done it!" Mogey screamed raggedly, falling to his knees. "After all this time, we've finally found the perfect hot dog!"

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 448

It was Christmastime, and Mogey and Smush had volunteered to host a gathering of friends and family for dinner. On Christmas morning there was much to be done: the tables had to be set, the finest plastic silverware had to be polished, and the gravy boats had to be filled with both topping gravy and drinking gravy.

"How is the turducken coming, Mogey?" Smush asked as he bustled through with a platter of mashed butters.

"Oh I decided to bring it up a few notches from a mere turducken this year," Mogey replied. "I'm making a whacowlampigturgoosduckenpheasarrow!"

"My goodness!" Smush exclaimed. "Doesn't that seem like a bit much?"

"Certainly not," Mogey said. "We're having like five people over."

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 447

Mogey and Smush, who were expert sneakers, snuck carefully into the Prince's mansion the night of the annual Grand Ball. Their main intention was to appropriate as many top notch appetizers as they could, but befriending a wealthy young duchess or two wasn't out of the question if they had enough time.

The pals split up as soon as they gained entrance to the fortified house, and they proceeded to consume copious quantities of crab cakes and bacon-wrapped prunes. After about 20 minutes of gorging, Smush came upon Mogey, who was eating a spare rib and looking most disheveled.

"Mogey!" Smush whispered sharply. "Tuck your shirt in!"

"That's preposterous," Mogey replied.

"It is not," Smush retorted. "We're among classy folk here. Every man in this room has his shirt tucked in."

"True," Mogey replied. "But it's perfectly impossibly to tuck a shirt in if you're not wearing any pants."

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 446

One afternoon, Mogey and Smush were pushing wheelbarrows full of croutons through town, looking for any and all villagers who looked like their salads needed an extra kick. Unfortunately, their village was a meat n' potatoes sort of town, in the sense that none of the residents had ever actually heard of salad, so Mogey and Smush always ended up eating most of the croutons themselves.

"Avast!" Mogey and Smush heard a voice say as they trundled across a footbridge. "Ahoy!" the same voice croaked. It was coming from somewhere very near the ground.

Mogey and Smush peered over the bridge to see a Bolivian Horned Salmon poking its head out of the water as it lazily waved its tail to keep pace the the current.

"Be those croutons, me hearties?" the salmon asked.

"Yes," Smush replied. "The most savory croutons this side of Flavourburg."

"Yarr, I be quite partial to a good crouton," the salmon said. "How much do ye charge?"

"I'm sorry," Mogey answered, sniffing disdainfully, "but we don't sell to your kind." Without another word he hefted his wheelbarrow and stormed off.

"You'll have to forgive him," Smush whispered, tossing the salmon a crouton. "A walleye stole his pocketwatch once and he's been distrustful of fish ever since."