Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 500

One day, Mogey and Smush ventured out on an epic journey to the Frankfurt Fritter Festival. It would take them many days to reach the festival, and so they did not pack lightly, bringing along four fully loaded donkeys and a fully loaded mule for good measure. In addition, both Mogey and Smush carried rucksacks full of every food they knew how to cook, from fried turkey to fried chicken.

The pals began their quest at ten in the morning, so by 10:45 they were understandably famished and looking for a nice spot to take a break.

"That looks like a good place to stop," Mogey said, pointing to a muddy slope dotted with rocks shaped like fists.

"Mogey, I'm not so sure..." Smush began, but it was too late. Mogey was already venturing onto the slick field, where presently he slipped and bonked his nose exceptionally hard on a fist-rock. "Are you all right?" Smush called. "Be you hurt?"

"Doe, I'b fide," Mogey insisted, though his nose hurt worse than a beating from a ghost army.

"I tried to warn you," Smush said as he carefully picked his way out to where his pal lay, nursing a rapidly swelling schnoz, "this is no place for a picnic."

"I stand by by statement," Mogey replied. "This is a good place to stob!"

"A good place to stop indeed," said Smush as he kicked up his feet on a fist-shaped rock, let out a satisfied sigh, and pulled a cold turkey leg from his rucksack.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 499

"I want to be in the band too!" Mogey cried, stomping his foot stubbornly. "You've already got four band members, what's one more?"

Mogey's pleading was met by looks of consternation from Smush's band, The Dumplings, who had gathered down in the cellar to practice. There was Chuck "Pignose" Buddle on drums, Slender Frankie in fiddle, Leopold "The Actuary" Akron on lead guitar, and Smush himself on tambourine.

"I'm sorry Mogey, but you haven't got any talent," Smush explained. "How can we include you when you don't sing, or write music, or play an instrument?"

"That's where you're wrong," Mogey replied. "I do play an instrument - a very unusual one. And what's more, I'm so skilled at this particular instrument that it'll be like having Bernie Montgomery playing harpsichord in your band."

"Who's Bernie Montgomery?" Leopold "The Actuary" Akron asked.

"A very good harpsichord player," said Mogey.

"All right then," Smush said with a sigh, "let's see you play this instrument."

Mogey held up a hand for complete silence, then proceeded to extract a bag of crackers from his back pocket. He crammed his mouth full of these crackers, and began to loudly and enthusiastically crunch them to the tune of When the Saints Go Marching In.

Friday, February 4, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 498

One rainy afternoon, Mogey and Smush were exploring Old Uncle Chester's attic when they came across a dusty typewriter. They were rambunctious lads though, and not very bright, so they hadn't a clue what the device was used for.

"Is it some sort of musical instrument?" Mogey asked.

"It doesn't appear to be," Smush said as he punched away at the keys. "It only makes one sound."

"What about a meat tenderizer?" Mogey wondered.

"Now what sort of meat have you been eating?" Smush said. "No self-respecting steak could fit into that little area. It can't be a meat tenderizer."

"How about--"

"I've got it!" Smush shrieked, frightening some nearby mice so badly that they forgot they weren't bats and leapt from the rafters, landing fortuitously in an open sack of cheez-its. "It's a bug smasher!" Smush elaborated.

"Mmm," Mogey said thoughtfully. "Then what are the letters for?"

"They tell you which button to push for a certain type of bug," Smush replied knowledgeably. "A for ant, B for bee, C for citrus flatid planthopper, and so on."

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 497

One still, clear evening in summer Mogey and Smush were setting on the porch with their bluetick hounds, Cartwright and Blubbergums, when the weapons peddler appeared. He drove an old roman chariot pulled by a single ancient-looking moose.

"Deadly instruments here!" the weapons peddler hollered. "The hottest new devices guaranteed to injure, humiliate, and destroy!"

"What are the most popular weapons this year?" Smush asked as he and Mogey stepped off the porch to inspect the peddler's goods.

"Spears are coming back into fashion," the peddler replied. "And I've seen a big increase in sales of these gorgeous dwarf-made battleaxes. But by far, the hottest item of the season has been the brand new, fully redesigned, heavy duty, super powered, fool proof Colombian crossbow."

"See anything you like, Mogey?" Smush asked.

"Nah," said Mogey. "I think I'll stick with my old stand by."

"And, just out of curiosity, what is your particular weapon of choice?" the peddler inquired.

"A six pack of hot dogs at the end of a long chain," Mogey replied. "It's both cheap and effective. You should see the bruises a direct hit from one of those babies leaves."

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 496

"Mogey, has the new issue of The Weekly Muskrat arrived yet?" Smush asked one afternoon as Mogey was sifting through the mail.

"No, it appears not," Mogey replied.

"Aw shucks," said Smush.

"Shucks?" Mogey queried excitedly. "Who's shucking? Are you shucking some corn? What are you making? Popcorn? Corn fritters? Corn pone? Oh, please tell me it's corn pone!"

"I'm not shucking any corn," Smush said, rolling his eyes. "It's just a turn of phrase."

"Shucks," Mogey responded, and for the rest of that week he wore an expression that let every man, woman, and child know that one way or another, he would have his corn pone.