The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 424

One afternoon Smush went outside with his bat and ball to find Mogey lying face-up in the front garden. Mogey had belted a large woodworking file to each of his legs and was rubbing them together in what appeared to be some bizarre exercise routine.

"What in the world are you on about, Mogey?" Smush inquired. "We were supposed to have cricket practice right now."

"I know," Mogey replied, continuing to rub his legs together furiously. "What did you think I was doing? I've already memorized a few songs, and if I could just figure out how those darned crickets move their legs so quickly we'll be chirping with the best of them before you know it."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 423

On a summer day so hot that even camels were drinking gatorade, Mogey and Smush wandered down to the old swimming hole. When they arrived, Smush immediately stripped down to his bathing costume, but Mogey took off his shirt to reveal a pair of thick flannel overalls.

"How in the world are you wearing all that flannel?" Smush demanded. "It's sweltering out here!"

"Stop looking at my underalls, Smush!" Mogey exclaimed, turning away. "I'm getting embarrassed."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 422

"Alright, Mogey," Smush said as he unfurled Captain Brownbeard's ancient treasure map. "This says the chest of wonders is buried twenty paces from that rock-shaped stone over there. Count it out for me, will you?"

"With pleasure," Mogey replied excitedly, and he ran to the stone Smush had pointed out. "One, two," he counted as he began pacing out the distance, "three, four, jive...."

"Excuse me?" Smush demanded. "'Jive?' Mogey, do you not know how to count to twenty?"

"Behhh!" Mogey grunted inexplicably. "Of course I know how to count to twenty. I counted to four thousand and ninety two the other day just for fun. What did I say wrong?"

"After four you said 'jive,'" Smush answered. "It's five, not jive."

"Oh," Mogey said. "Five? Is that what people have been saying all these years? But what about the most fun dancing number in all the world? You know, the one that comes after fifty four? Shifty jive."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 421

"What are those shoes made of, Smush?" Mogey asked one day when Smush showed up wearing an elegant pair of boots he'd never seen before.

"Take a guess," Smush replied.

"Suede weasel fur?" Mogey suggested.

"Nope," Smush said.

"Reconstituted snakeskin?" Mogey asked. Smush shook his head. "Thick knit hemp?" Mogey went on. "Indian rubber? Pig leather?"

"No sir," Smush answered. "The material is much finer than any of those. These shoes are made from genuine, one hundred percent unadulterated Ziploc freezer bags."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 420

One day Smush went to see the village moneylender in hopes of getting a loan that would enable him to buy the monkeyskin coat of his dreams. Mogey, who had nothing better to do that day or any other day, accompanied his pal for moral support.

"How can you expect me to loan you anything?" asked Bowber Winkle, the moneylender, after Smush had made his case. "You have no job, no plans to find work, and no assets to speak of."

"I wouldn't go that far," Mogey interjected. "Smush's impression of our chicken, Sergeant Cluckles, is actually quite an asset. Show him Smush."

"Buck, buck, buck, buh-caw!" Smush clucked.

"I've seen enough," Bowber Winkle replied. "Loan granted."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 419

One morning Smush stumbled downstairs, bleary-eyed, to discover a large package wrapped in brown paper waiting for him in the front hallway.

"Happy birthday, Smush!" Mogey yelled, tackling his pal from the side. "Are you ready to open your present?"

"Mm," Smush mumbled, picking himself up and tearing off the wrapping paper.

"I know how sensitive you've been about your diminutive size lately..." Mogey said excitedly, as Smush uncovered two sturdy looking wood beams with footholds attached.

"So you got me stilts?" Smush demanded, looking not quite as appreciative as Mogey had expected.

"Sure!" Mogey replied. "Now when you see Tilly Rialto at the pub next Thursday, you'll be able to talk to her at eye-level!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 418

One winter, Mogey went through a handlebar moustache phase. He thought nothing could be grander than his finely waxed whiskers, and his pal Smush would have let him carry on with that foolishness indefinitely if it weren't for Mogey's propensity to slurp his pea soup straight from the bowl.

During the height of his moustache period, Mogey returned home one day to find a box on the kitchen table labeled Do Not Open. Mogey twisted his moustache and thought for a moment before deciding that such a label surely couldn't apply to finely moustachioed fellows like himself.

Upon lifting the cover, Mogey found himself face to face with a Portuguese Ripping Lizard, which promptly jumped out of the box, grabbed hold of the leftmost extremity of Mogey's whiskers, and did just what its name would imply.

"Ho ho!" Smush chortled, walking in to find his pal sporting only one half of a finely waxed moustache. "Looks like the age of the moustache has finally come to an end," he added, tossing Mogey a safety razor. "Finish the job, won't you, Mogey? I'll put the pea soup on."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 417

"Smush?" Mogey began. "Have you noticed that our South Strummian creeping mangrove plant has begun to creep a bit too fast?"

"You know something Mogey? I do believe you're right," Smush replied, glancing at the leafy vines rapidly advancing out of a ceramic pot and across the breakfast table. "Take care of it, won't you?"

Mogey rummaged around in the everything drawer until he unearthed a pair of rose clippers, then made his way back to the creeping mangrove to do some serious pruning. As he attempted to clip one of the main vines, the plant reared up, snatched the rose clippers from Mogey's hand, and punched him in the face with a leafy fist.

"Ow!" Mogey cried as he stumbled backwards, feeling more than a little dazed.

"You're such a wimp sometimes, Mogey," Smush said as he strapped on a pair of goggles, hefted a flamethrower, and fired it up with a WHOOSH.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 416

One day, Mogey and Smush realized the ancient cork tree overhanging their house had become a bit too large and a bit too old. A limb more than six feet in diameter hung directly over their greenhouse, which housed the most highly sought-after cucumber plants in the district.

"Looks like we're going to have to cut her down," Smush said as they gazed nostalgically at the tree that had provided them with so many corks over the years.

"Don't worry, Smush," Mogey replied. "I'll take care of this. You go about your business."

Smush was doubtful, but he let Mogey be and went inside to pickle some rutabagas. Several hours later he came back out to see how his pal was getting on, only to find Mogey asleep in the hammock, a two-man crosscut saw by his side.

"What in tarnation are you doing, Mogey?" Smush demanded.

"Eh?" Mogey grunted, waking up with a start. "Oh, Smush, there you are. Well I tried to chop down the old tree, but it's a two-man saw and I'm only one person, you see."

"I was right inside the whole time!" Smush retorted. "You could have asked for help."

"I didn't want to take you away from your pickling jars," Mogey said. "I know how much you like pickling."

"Well, I'm here now," Smush sighed. "So let's do some work on the tree."

"Actually, would you mind handling the cutting yourself for a while?" Mogey replied. "I think I'm going to take a bit of a nap."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 415

"Please, Mogey, you really must let down the ladder!" Smush called from the forest floor.

"No!" Mogey replied, hidden by the walls of their tree house. "I will not stand to be insulted. No one who calls Mogey a rascal is welcome in this tree fort!"

"I beg you, Mogey!" Smush pleaded. "I'm surrounded by a pack of ghost bears! Their teeth are sharper than steel chisels and their claws are as strong as a child bodybuilder!"

"I'm still not letting you up!" Mogey answered. "How can you tell how strong their claws are, anyhow?"

"Alright! I have a basket of boysenberry turnovers with me!" Smush cried desperately. "They're all yours if you throw down the ladder."

Milliseconds later, the rope ladder unfurled to the forest floor, and Smush climbed it faster than a monkey on fire.

"Well?" Mogey demanded when Smush had clambered into the tree fort.

"Sorry, Mogey, there aren't any turnovers," Smush replied. "I had to say something!" he added, seeing Mogey's crestfallen face. "There were ghost bears down there!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 414

"May I ask you a personal question?" Mogey asked Smush one afternoon as they were sailing down the mighty Tronkle River in their skiff, the Double Cheese III.

"I'm afraid I can't answer that, Mogey," Smush replied. "You're making me very uncomfortable."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 413

One sunny afternoon, Mogey and Smush swam out into the Bay of Squelch to ride some dolphins. Dolphin wrangling was the pals' favorite activity when they became stressed out, and they'd run out of doughnut batter that morning, so both Mogey and Smush were on edge.

"It feels good to out here," Smush declared, coming up for air. "The salt air in your lungs, a slimy dolphin flipper in your hands, what could be better?"

"I don't know..." Mogey replied. "But I'd really like to try riding one of those big dolphins with all the teeth."

"You mean a shark?" Smush asked.

"What? No!" Mogey answered, aghast. "Are you crazy? Who'd want to ride a lark?"

"I said 'shark,'" Smush corrected.

"Oh," said Mogey. The two of them stared at each other for several moments as they bobbed up and down in the Bay of Squelch. "So are we going to ride some sharks?" Mogey asked. "Or what?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 412

On a frigid January morning, Smush waited for Mogey atop the Kanute ice flow. His breath fumed smoke-like from his mouth on every exhale, but inside he was warm with the thrill of competition and also egg nog, for today was the day of the annual sled dog race.

"Good morning, my future vanquishee," Mogey said smugly, pulling up next to Smush in his dog sled. Only, it appeared that he'd replaced the dogs with monitor lizards. "You're done for, mon frere," he went on. "I've got a little trick up my sleeve this year."

"Is it the monitor lizards you've got pulling your sled?" Smush asked.

"Wha-- no..." Mogey replied uncertainly.

"You realize those are cold-blooded animals and they'll run out of energy almost immediately in this weather, right?" Smush said.

"But with no fur they're so aerodynamic!" Mogey answered as several of the monitor lizards keeled over. "Surely they can make it through a couple hundred miles in freezing temperatures, can't they?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 411

In the days of the Great Ruckus Wars, the small mountain village of Mupe fortified its borders, and all the townspeople took turns guarding the walls. One foggy evening, Mogey and Smush were fulfilling their guard duties when an odd-looking creature approached the gate.

It looked a bit like short, squat penguin, but its beak was so large that the creature had no choice but to drag its head along the ground.

"Who goes there?" Smush shouted, brandishing a spear at the strange thing.

"It is I, Lunk!" the creature said, keeping his head on the ground but raising comically small wings in the air. "I'm naught but a humble gulbous in search of work."

"A gulbous?" Mogey repeated, glancing at Smush. "And what sort of work do you do, Lunk?"

"Well..." Lunk replied, rolling his head side-to-side as if he hadn't considered this before. "Do you need anyone to draw hopscotch courts?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 410

"You know what has always puzzled me?" Mogey queried one morning at the breakfast table. "Why do peaches have pits, while pears have seeds?"

"Would you stop that?" Smush exclaimed. "You're ruining my perfectly good bowl of cocoa krispies with all this disgusting talk. I'd rather walk through woodpecker grove in a birdseed hat than discuss fruit during breakfast."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 409

One afternoon, Mogey and Smush meandered on down to the river to fetch a couple pails of water from the village pump house. Smush pumped the handle as Mogey stared absentmindedly at the stream of water pouring into his wooden bucket, wondering if petting toads did indeed give you warts (and if so why his hands and neck weren't covered in them).

Suddenly, a very strange thing happened. The water erupting from the spigot turned bright purple. Curious lad that he was, Mogey bent down and took a sip of the purple liquid.

"Good gracious!" Mogey exclaimed. "This isn't water at all - it's pirate's punch!"

He bent back over the stream and began guzzling pirate's punch as fast as it would come out. Then he pumped for a while to give Smush his turn.

"Delicious!" Smush cried after his first sip. "An otherworldly delight! How is this possible?"

They went on like that, switching pumpers every so often, for over half an hour, until finally they were interrupted by the arrival of Cheddar Bogstaff, the chubbiest, sloppiest, smelliest man in the district.

"Ahoy fellahs," Cheddar Bogstaff said, waddling over. He was toweling himself off and Mogey and Smush both noticed a lack of his usual fragrance. "I just had me my first bath in 2 months! Had to scrub pretty hard too. See these shorts?" he asked, pointing to the white pair of cutoffs he was wearing. "They was purple when I got in the river just now."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 408

"Do you fellows know how fast you were going?" Constable Ironrear asked, looking over at Mogey and Smush from atop his magnificent thoroughbred.

"No sir," Smush answered, since he was sitting in front, "but ol' Duffy here is getting on in years. I wouldn't say he could manage more than a trot at this point."

"Perhaps a slow canter," Mogey agreed, scratching Duffy between his antlers, "but no faster than that."

What Constable Ironrear didn't know was that Duffy was the fastest racemoose in all the kingdom. He was descended from the very greatest racemooses of history: Proudsnout, The Nubster, and even Macaronilips were in his bloodline. Given enough room to maneuver, Duffy could reach speeds up to forty knots, a highly dangerous thing to do on the windy country roads, but Mogey and Smush had been attempting just that when Constable Ironrear spotted them.

"A slow canter, eh?" the Constable replied skeptically. "I saw more speed than that on this old boy. Quite a bit more," he said, patting Duffy's haunch. "I think you gents had better come down to the sheriff--"

Here Constable Ironrear stopped mid-sentence, interrupted by a streak of green barrelling across the road. All three of them (plus Duffy and the thoroughbred) instantly recognized Rambunctious Freddy, a swamp monster and the most infamous youth in town.

"You two stay right where you are!" Constable Ironrear shouted at Mogey and Smush as he took off after the green troublemaker. "This time you're mine, Rambunctious Freddy!"

"Run like a moosey wind!" Smush whispered to Duffy, and they galloped toward freedom at full speed.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 407

One evening, Mogey left the farmstead to run several errands. Smush found this curious indeed, since the only errand is pal usually ran was refilling the donkey feed, and the donkey feed shop was long-closed.

When at long last, Mogey returned home with a parcel wrapped in brown paper, Smush's befuddlement had reached epic proportions.

"What in the world were you after at this time o' night?" Smush demanded.

"I bought myself this music box," Mogey replied, unwrapping an ornate inlaid box. "Give her a look-see," he said, handing it to Smush. "It's tops."

Smush opened the case, expecting to hear a jaunty tune, but instead he found the inside filled only with fragrant apple cider donuts.

"This is no music box," Smush declared. "It's just got donuts in it!"

"Well they're music to my nose," Mogey said, snatching the box back and taking a bite of donut.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 406

One morning, Smush awoke to the sounds of birds chirping and oxen chomping. He rolled his legs off the bed, coughed once or twice, and ran his fingers through his hair. But wait...what hair? Where Smush's thick, lustrous locks should be, his skin was smooth as bodybuilding baby.

"Mogey!" Smush cried in anguish. "Come quickly! I'm ruined!"

Mogey strolled calmly into Smush's room, holding a cup of tea. He seemed unsurprised at the lack of mane on his pal's head.

"How could this have happened?" Smush wondered desperately.

"I came in and shaved your head while you were asleep," Mogey replied taking a sip of tea. "I so wanted to settle our debate over what you would look like bald."

"And?" Smush asked, for lack of a better response.

"You were right," Mogey answered. "You look much more like a turtle than an elbow with eyes."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 405

"Smush, where would you say your accent is from?" Mogey asked one night as Smush was reading The Evening Chipmunker Post-Gazette.

"Wassat?" Smush murmured without looking up from his paper.

"Your accent," Mogey repeated. "It's difficult to tell the difference between certain words you say."

"Mmm," Smush said absentmindedly.

"Sometimes I can't tell if you're talking about a pear cobbler or a pair of cobblers, for instance."

"Mogey!" Smush whispered sharply, finally looking up. "Don't talk about the nanny like that - she's just in the other room."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 404

"Pull!" Smush shouted, at which Mogey heaved a clay disc high into the air.

BANG!

The disc sailed safely away, landing in Neighbor Bill's petunia patch.

"Durn it!" Smush grumbled. "I missed again."

"Maybe your trajectory is off," Mogey replied, venturing over to help Smush adjust the rock-throwing teeter-totter they'd invented. One end of the catapult-esque device had a basket capable of holding a good-sized rock, and the other was comprised of a steel plate that would be hit with a sledge hammer in order to launch the stone.

"This wretched thing is just too cumbersome," Smush replied, kicking the teeter-totter. "Skeet-walloping would be much more fun if someone invented a light, maneuverable device that could accurately shoot those clay discs out of the air."

"You mean, like a gun?" Mogey suggested.

"A gun would be perfect!" Smush exclaimed. "Go fetch our rifles from the barn, will you?"