The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 382

At around 2 in the afternoon one day, Smush was still enjoying a lazy morning in bed when Mogey burst through his bedroom door, looking more flustered than a flock of crows at a hawk party.

"Wake up, Smush! Wake up!" Mogey hollered, shaking Smush vigorously. "I think I might have amnesia - I can't remember anything in the last 48 hours!"

"What's the last thing you can remember?" Smush asked with a yawn.

"Ham," Mogey replied. "Lots and lots of ham."

"That's because we had a massive pig roast on Tuesday," Smush said. "You've been asleep for the last 48 hours."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 381

On the most sweltering day of the year, Mogey and Smush were walking slowly through the village when they came across Franz Hammerstein, the Italian Ice vendor. Franz always claimed his Italian Ices were cold enough to turn a red hot poker dark orange, and so Mogey and Smush simply had to try one.

"What flavors have you got for us, Franzy?" Smush asked.

"Gentlemen, I'm sorry to say that I'm out of everything but tutti frutti," Franz Hammerstein replied.

"Tutti frutti?" Mogey said. "Is it true that it tastes like all the fruits?"

"Oh yes," Franz Hammerstein answered.

"So there's Argentinian skunk mango in there?" Mogey demanded. "Ugh!"

"Come on Mogey, let's get out of here," Smush said. "I don't care how hot it is, I don't eat Argentinian skunk mango for no one."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 380

Mogey fought his way up another dune, his body barely able to muster a plodding crawl. The sand was everywhere: his nose, his mouth, his ears, even his bones creaked with the dustiness of it. His throat was parched and raspy, his tongue so dry that it felt like a ball of sandpaper in his barren mouth. How long it had been since he last had anything to drink Mogey didn't know, all he knew was an all-consuming thirst. If he didn't get something to drink soon, Mogey knew he would surely die.

At last Mogey summited the dune and heaved his aching torso up to survey the area. Below him, to the southwest, lay the sweetest sight his eyes ever beheld: an immense body of clear blue water. Suddenly energized, Mogey leaped to his feet and tumbled down the side of the dune, sprinting for the moisture ahead. He tripped and fell into the shallows with a splash, then scooped up a handful of water for a long, luxurious drink.

"NOOOO! Salt water!" Mogey cried, spitting the water out desperately. "The ocean? This is the ocean! Nooooo!" Sure enough, his thirst remained, for he had stumbled upon the non-potable water of the sea.

"Is your friend alright down there?" asked a beachgoer the next towel over from Smush as she watched Mogey's antics.

"What's that?" Smush asked, lifting his sunglasses to peer over at Mogey. "Oh yes. He always gets like that when I forget to bring juiceboxes to the beach."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 379

One morning, Mogey and Smush were at the market, bartering with the fig saleswoman.

"Twenty cents per pound is outrageous, I tell you," Mogey exclaimed. "I won't pay more than fifteen."

"I cannot deal with this person!" the exasperated fig farmer retorted, turning to Smush. "Already today, ten people pay twenty cent."

"You must have bats in your belfry," said Mogey.

"Say," Smush interrupted. "Speaking of bats in the belfry, weren't you supposed to bat-sit Friar Jeremy's bat colony in the bell tower all week while he's in Acapulco?"

"Gadzooks! You're right, Smush!" Mogey cried, and he took off in the direction of the bell tower.

Smush purchased a half pound of figs and returned home at a leisurely pace. He was sitting down to enjoy a freshly baked figgy pudding and I cup of tea, when Mogey burst through the door, covered in dust and sweat.

"Smush! Smush?" he yelled, eventually stumbling upon his pal. "Thank goodness you're here. I need your help. Do you know anywhere around here where I could buy a dozen bats? Also, do you think that new vacuum cleaner of yours is strong enough to suck up a bat skeleton?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 378

One evening, Mogey and Smush were huddled in their yurt, roasting smelt, when they heard a knock-knock-knocking at the door.

"Who eeeeees it?" Mogey called as he walked to the entrance.

"It is I, the Wizard Agroblah!" the voice at the door boomed as the door was kicked open, sending Mogey flying across the room. The man in the doorway was tall and slender, and in his right hand he held a staff topped with an iron grape.

"Ouch!" Mogey groaned, picking himself up off the yurt floor and glowering in Wizard Agroblah's direction.

"I've come in search of a new slave," Wizard Agroblah bellowed, ignoring Mogey's glare. "The perks of the job are as follows: you will travel with me to faraway lands, eating at the tables of kings and emperors, you will have full access to my immense stable of horses, more gold than you ever dreamed of, the affections of damsels in distress, full dental coverage, and an exquisite 401K plan."

"What's the catch?" Smush asked suspiciously.

"Um," Wizard Agroblah replied, as if it was a trick question, "you'd be... a slave...."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 377

One evening Mogey and Smush's folk band, The Whistling Fellows, was performing down at a local tavern. The group consisted of Mogey, on lead vocals and tambourine, and Smush, also on lead vocals and tambourine.

"Alrighty, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to get started here," Mogey said as the din of the pub quieted. "We're going to play you some traditional songs of our ancestors that we composed ourselves."

Immediately The Whistling Fellows began to shake their tambourines and sing.

"Old Man Mogey had a farm
EE-I-EE-I-O
and on that farm he --"

"Say, that's not a traditional song of your ancestors you composed yourself!" cried an onlooker. "That's just Old MacDonald!"

"Ridiculous!" Smush retorted. "Patently false! Mogey, let's try a different one."

"Smush and Mogey went to town
riding on a pony --"

"That's Yankee Doodle!" another member of the audience called out as the crowd began to rumble unhappily.

"I'll be honest, folks," Mogey said loudly. "We know those first two weren't complete originals; we were just trying to ease you all into our music. But I can see this is a more sophisticated audience than we're used to. Smush, let's show them what The Whistling Fellows really sound like."

"Twinkle twinkle little Smush..."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 376

One morning, Mogey was twiddling his thumbs at the doorway as he waited for Smush to get ready for work. Mogey was an expert thumb-twiddler, and some mornings while he was waiting to leave, he would twiddle himself into a knot so tight they'd have to call the fire department.

After a while, Smush came bounding down the stairs three at a time, much to Mogey's chagrin.

"Be careful, Smush!" Mogey pleaded. "You might trip and knock your two front teeth out."

"Nonsense, Mogey," Smush replied. "You know I haven't had front teeth since '22 when I entered that taffy pie eating contest. Remember that? Right after I won, I fell off the stage and knocked both of those chompers out."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 375

Mogey and Smush, intrepid adventurers that they were, became the first people ever to summit Mount Gargle, the steepest and most deadly peak in the entire Buhgawster Mountain Range. They had just reached the top, cold, tired, and hungry, when they encountered a genie.

The genie was purple small - about the size of guinea pig - and he had the magical strength to grant but one wish, which he awarded to Mogey, who was fortunate enough to be in the lead.

"What is your wish?" the genie asked in his squeaky little voice.

"I wish for you to make my friend and I fabulously wealthy," Mogey replied.

"Piece of cake," the genie said. "But before I grant this wish, you must do something for me. Put on these galoshes full of raspberry jello and walk to yonder puddle and back." He pointed to a puddle twenty or thirty feet away.

"But why?" Smush demanded.

"I like the sound," the genie replied succinctly. "Now, go on."

"No, I don't believe I will," Mogey said, shaking his head.

"Just do it, Mogey," Smush urged. "Think: untold riches can be ours!"

"I can't!" Mogey hollered out at the desolate mountaintop. "It's embarrassing."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 374

On a winter morning more glorious than a baker's dozen of glorious morning muffins, Mogey and Smush saw a group of fellows clamoring over a stagecoach in the village square. Mogey and Smush were always up for a good clamor, and so they walked closer to see what the hubbub was about.

"What's all this?" Smush asked a man on the outskirts of the crowd.

"You see that lady, there?" the man replied, pointing toward the middle of the fray. A beautiful young woman was exiting the coach while uniformed police officers cleared a path for her to walk. "That's Annabelle Durley, the fairest maiden in all the land."

"She's alright, I suppose," Mogey said, casting an appraising eye on miss Durley.

"They say the 100 Years War stopped when she was born, and the 7 Years War started once she reached courtin' age," the man went on.

"Not exactly my type," Smush commented, "but I can see what these fellahs like about her."

"They also say she can spin straw into spaghetti," the man explained. "Two hours at her spinning wheel in a room full of straw and a man might have enough spaghetti to last him all winter."

"She will be mine!" Mogey cried suddenly, diving into the crowd of frantic fellows.

"Not if I get there first!" Smush yelled, pulling Mogey's top hat down over his eyes and running toward his new dream girl.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 373

Mogey and Smush's dueling lemonade stands were famous throughout the land for their fearsome rivalry, and in the height of summer their competition often reached mythic proportions.

One such day, a befuddled older gentleman stood in center of the street, torn between Smush's Lemonade on one side and Lemons by Mogey (made into ade) on the other.

"Hey mister," Smush called from the confines of his stand. "My lemonade's much tastier than the dreck they serve over there!" The man started towards Smush's Lemonade but stopped when he heard Mogey's voice behind him.

"Lies!" Mogey screeched. "Smush uses Lisbon lemons in his lemonade. They're far less tasty than the Eurekas mine is made with!" Now the man began edging closer to Lemons by Mogey (made into ade).

"Wait!" Smush cried. "I'll give you a free sample, sir, just for showing up."

"I'll give you a free kid's cup to test mine out," Mogey retorted.

The man, now even more thoroughly confused, stood rooted to the center of the street, swiveling his head back and forth as Mogey and Smush continued to one-up each other.

"I've got orangeade over here," Smush shouted. "It's more exotic fare than you'll find at Mogey's."

"Not likely," Mogey replied. "I've got pineappleade."

"Well I also just whipped up a fresh batch of raspberryade."

"Chocolateade!"

"Cucumberade!"

"Beefade!"

Finally the man could stand it no more; he threw down his hat and ran off down the street, howling like a madman.

"Now look what you've done, Mogey," Smush admonished. "That was probably the only customer we'll see all day."

"My fault?" Mogey exclaimed. "Seems to me you lost him at raspberryade."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 372

One afternoon, Mogey and Smush were walking through the Mucklebuck Marshland when Smush happened to fall into a deep pit of quicksand.

"Help!" Smush cried in a panic. "Mogey, throw me a rope!"

"Struggle, Smush!" Mogey replied, darting about in search of something rope-like. "Struggle like you've never struggled before!"

"It's no use, Mogey," Smush yelled as he floundered about. "I'm only sinking deeper!"

"That means you're not struggling hard enough," Mogey called encouragingly. "Don't let the quicksand win, Smush!"

But Smush was up to his chin now, and still Mogey had been unable to find a rope to toss his pal. There was only one thing for it. Summoning all his bravery (and Mogey had the bravery of a raccoon or a medium-sized ox), Mogey took a running start and leaped feet first into the quicksand beside Smush.

"How was this supposed to help us, again?" Smush asked, craning his neck to look at his sinking friend.

"I can't remember now," Mogey said. "But it sure was brave, wasn't it?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 371

One evening, Mogey, Smush, and their third roommate, Dwarf Charles, were readying themselves for a big night out on the town. The three of them were crowded around the small hallway mirror to straighten their coattails and comb their hair.

"Say, Mogey," Smush asked as he combed his pompadour up to a majestic height, "what do you use to hold your hair up? I've been using bear grease but I don't seem to get the lift you do."

"It's a bit embarrassing really, but I like to use a dab of moustache wax," Mogey replied. "It hasn't failed me yet. What about you, Dwarf Charles? What's that you slick your hair back with?"

"It's a mixture of margarine and rubber cement," Dwarf Charles grunted, as he finished braiding his truly spectacular beard. "Tis an old family secret. It gives your hair a shine the ladies love, but best of all, it stays that way for weeks. I suppose you do have to be a bit wary of spiders, though."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 370

One evening, Mogey and Smush were preparing the house for their uncle, Lord Applethwait-Tongstone, to make his yearly visit. Lord Applethwait-Tongstone had very particular tastes, and though it was an arduous task for Mogey and Smush to ready the house for his arrival, the exotic spices and penguin meat he brought made it well worth the effort.

"Oh no, Smush, oh no!" Mogey cried, racing down the stairs. "I've forgotten to get sea urchins for Uncle Lord Applethwait-Tongstone's bedchamber!"

"No sea urchins?" Smush demanded, cuffing Mogey across the ears. "Mogey, you dolt! How could you forget? Last time we didn't have sea urchins, Uncle Lord Applethwait-Tongstone walked straight out of the house, and we were a whole year without paprika or penguin steaks. I won't have another year that wretched, I just won't!"

"Then what are we to do?" Mogey asked.

"I'll tell you what, Mogers," Smush replied. "Go find some hedgehogs and tickle their tummies so they curl up into little balls. Uncle Lord Applethwait-Tongstone will never know the difference between them and sea urchins."

"But what about when they uncurl and Uncle Lord Applethwait-Tongstone wakes up with hedgehogs crawling all over his bedchamber?" Mogey queried.

"Mogey, my good man," Smush said, clapping Mogey on the shoulder, "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."