One day Mogey returned home from a hard afternoon's work churning butter and pulling weeds in the prune fields, only to find Smush reclined in the barcalounger fashioning miniature paper gliders and launching them at the cat.
"What do you think you're doing?" Mogey demanded.
"Trying to hit Whiskerberg with a glider," Smush replied. "What's it look like?"
"I thought you said you couldn't churn butter and weed the prune fields today because you had to catch up on some paperwork!" Mogey cried.
"So hitting Whiskerberg with a paper glider isn't paperwork?" Smush answered. "He's devilish tricky. I've been sitting in this barcalounger all day and haven't hit him once."
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CLVIII
One day when Mogey and Smush had just returned home from the market, Smush took out a strange parcel that Mogey had purchased and gave it a sniff.
"Uck!" Smush groaned, unwrapping the packaging to reveal several bars of soap. "Mogey, what flavor is this soap supposed to be?"
"Dirt," Mogey replied simply. "You see, when I was just a little Mogey, my mummy told me that when I was all grown up I could bathe in dirt if I wanted, but while I lived under her roof I had to use real soap. Well now that I'm all grown up I'm going to give it a shot!"
"'While you lived under her roof?'" Smush repeated. "I thought you told me that you and your mum lived in a giant pumpkin when you were growing up."
"Uck!" Smush groaned, unwrapping the packaging to reveal several bars of soap. "Mogey, what flavor is this soap supposed to be?"
"Dirt," Mogey replied simply. "You see, when I was just a little Mogey, my mummy told me that when I was all grown up I could bathe in dirt if I wanted, but while I lived under her roof I had to use real soap. Well now that I'm all grown up I'm going to give it a shot!"
"'While you lived under her roof?'" Smush repeated. "I thought you told me that you and your mum lived in a giant pumpkin when you were growing up."
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CLVII
One day Mogey walked outside to find Smush hard at work pounding a heavy piece of timber into the dirt at the end of the lane.
"What's the good word there, Smush?" he asked.
"Grapefruit," Smush replied. "I'm putting up a flagpole so we can hoist the new flag of Feedbag Hollows for all to see!" Smush reached into a burlap sack and pulled out an old tablecloth, upon which he'd drawn two stick figures and a meat pie. "See?" he continued. "There's you and me, and there's The Great Meatiness, our beloved First Pie."
"Great job, Smush," Mogey said. "I just have one question: what is Feedbag Hollows?"
"It's the name of our house, you dolt," Smush answered. "Folks've been calling it that for decades."
"Oh," Mogey said. "I always just assumed it was known as The Big Doughnut, or as the Spaniards call it: Casa de Mogey y Smush."
"What's the good word there, Smush?" he asked.
"Grapefruit," Smush replied. "I'm putting up a flagpole so we can hoist the new flag of Feedbag Hollows for all to see!" Smush reached into a burlap sack and pulled out an old tablecloth, upon which he'd drawn two stick figures and a meat pie. "See?" he continued. "There's you and me, and there's The Great Meatiness, our beloved First Pie."
"Great job, Smush," Mogey said. "I just have one question: what is Feedbag Hollows?"
"It's the name of our house, you dolt," Smush answered. "Folks've been calling it that for decades."
"Oh," Mogey said. "I always just assumed it was known as The Big Doughnut, or as the Spaniards call it: Casa de Mogey y Smush."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CLVI
"Say Smush," Mogey said one cloudy afternoonm, "I've just thought up the most splendid business proposition."
"What's that Mogey?" Smush murmured, scarcely looking up from his pape.
"I'll tell you...but you must promise not to tell anyone else..." Mogey told him.
"Sure thing, Mogerty Moges," Smush replied.
"Alright then. My idea is...a camel hospital...."
"Well I see where you wouldn't have much competition..." Smush responded. "But I can't imagine as you'd have many customers for a camel hospital here in East Westley."
"Ahhh," Mogey said cleverly, "that's why I 'd have it down in Binghamton-by-the-Sea. I heard tell there's a camel or two down there."
"What's that Mogey?" Smush murmured, scarcely looking up from his pape.
"I'll tell you...but you must promise not to tell anyone else..." Mogey told him.
"Sure thing, Mogerty Moges," Smush replied.
"Alright then. My idea is...a camel hospital...."
"Well I see where you wouldn't have much competition..." Smush responded. "But I can't imagine as you'd have many customers for a camel hospital here in East Westley."
"Ahhh," Mogey said cleverly, "that's why I 'd have it down in Binghamton-by-the-Sea. I heard tell there's a camel or two down there."
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CLV
One day Mogey and Smush were hopping from stump to stump through a recently timbered forest when they came across a man who seemed to be trying to insert a plank into the trunk of one of the few remaining trees.
"Pleasant morning, sir," Smush said to the man. "I hope you'll forgive our intrusion, but what in the world are you doing?"
"You poor, miserable creature..." the man replied, shaking his head. "This here's what folks are calling a diving board. It's the hottest thing on the paths right now."
"But you haven't got any water here," Mogey said.
"That's true," he answered with a sigh. "My pony got awful thirsty hauling that plank up here, too. Ah well...Geronimoooo!"
With that, the man took a bounding leap off the makeshift diving board and experienced an extraordinarily hard landing, followed by an extraordinarily soft one. First he landed shoulder first on a stump (hard) but as luck would have it, he bounced off the stump and into Mogey's generous quantity of backfat (soft). In the end it averaged out to be quite a tolerable landing, really.
"Pleasant morning, sir," Smush said to the man. "I hope you'll forgive our intrusion, but what in the world are you doing?"
"You poor, miserable creature..." the man replied, shaking his head. "This here's what folks are calling a diving board. It's the hottest thing on the paths right now."
"But you haven't got any water here," Mogey said.
"That's true," he answered with a sigh. "My pony got awful thirsty hauling that plank up here, too. Ah well...Geronimoooo!"
With that, the man took a bounding leap off the makeshift diving board and experienced an extraordinarily hard landing, followed by an extraordinarily soft one. First he landed shoulder first on a stump (hard) but as luck would have it, he bounced off the stump and into Mogey's generous quantity of backfat (soft). In the end it averaged out to be quite a tolerable landing, really.
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CLIV
One day Mogey and Smush were ambling on down to Doc Mulligan's Candy Shop. When they rounded the corner, the two pals were greeted by the sight of a raucous mob milling about in front of Doc Mulligan's. They were carrying pitchforks, whips, porcupines, and all other sorts of hastily grabbed implements of violence.
"What's going on here?" Mogey asked one of the mobmen as the sidled slowly on up.
"We done heard that someone in this town eats twopenny licorice whips!" the man shouted. "And we won't stand fer no one in our fair city eating that sort a' sissy candy!"
A roar went up from the crowd as the man yelled these words. Mogey and Smush backed slowly away down an alley, deciding that perhaps today was not the best day to purchase their weekly supply of twopenny licorice whips.
"What's going on here?" Mogey asked one of the mobmen as the sidled slowly on up.
"We done heard that someone in this town eats twopenny licorice whips!" the man shouted. "And we won't stand fer no one in our fair city eating that sort a' sissy candy!"
A roar went up from the crowd as the man yelled these words. Mogey and Smush backed slowly away down an alley, deciding that perhaps today was not the best day to purchase their weekly supply of twopenny licorice whips.
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CLIII
"Smush," Mogey said, one fine autumn day as they were enjoying some lunch of the picnic table, "would you say this glass of lemonade in my hand is half full or half empty?"
"Mogey," Smush replied, "you're holding a jar of huckleberry preserves."
"Mogey," Smush replied, "you're holding a jar of huckleberry preserves."
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CLII
One day Mogey and Smush were outside by the woodshed smoking some meat for the long winter ahead, when along came a wagon down the little cart path near the house. The wagon had bells and whistles hanging from every post and plank, and it was making an awful racket.
"Come join me! Come join me!" the driver shouted. He was a sprightly man dressed in a jester's cap and cutoffs and he danced about on the wagontop, paying no heed at all to his team of oxen. "Mogey and Smush, won't you come join me?"
"Who is that?" Mogey whispered.
"His name is Methuselah," Smush whispered back. "But he goes by Ted. Just pray to the god of smoked meat that he doesn't stop here."
But the god of smoked meat must have been working on another project, because stop Ted did.
"Mogey and Smush, Smush and Mogey," he sang. "Come join me and we will eat heaps of perogies!"
"Where are you going?" Mogey asked.
"To Greenishbrown Valley! Where beneath every hickory tree lies a pepperoni sandwich!"
"No, thank you," Smush said. "We need to stay here and smoke meat." Without a word, Methuselah Ted started his team once more and returned to his dancing as the jingling wagon pulled out of sight down the cart path.
"Sheesh," Mogey exclaimed. "That guy was crazy."
"Come join me! Come join me!" the driver shouted. He was a sprightly man dressed in a jester's cap and cutoffs and he danced about on the wagontop, paying no heed at all to his team of oxen. "Mogey and Smush, won't you come join me?"
"Who is that?" Mogey whispered.
"His name is Methuselah," Smush whispered back. "But he goes by Ted. Just pray to the god of smoked meat that he doesn't stop here."
But the god of smoked meat must have been working on another project, because stop Ted did.
"Mogey and Smush, Smush and Mogey," he sang. "Come join me and we will eat heaps of perogies!"
"Where are you going?" Mogey asked.
"To Greenishbrown Valley! Where beneath every hickory tree lies a pepperoni sandwich!"
"No, thank you," Smush said. "We need to stay here and smoke meat." Without a word, Methuselah Ted started his team once more and returned to his dancing as the jingling wagon pulled out of sight down the cart path.
"Sheesh," Mogey exclaimed. "That guy was crazy."
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CLI
One sunny day Mogey and Smush were out in the goat pasture doing some cloud gazing.
"That one looks like an elephant!" Smush said, gleefully pointing up at the sky.
"Aye you're right there," Mogey replied. "Say, look at that one. Doesn't that look an awful lot like an asteroid that's headed right for us?"
"You're wrong, Mogey," Smush whispered in terror. "That doesn't look like an asteroid that's headed right for us, it is and asteroid that's headed right for us!"
But Smush was wrong as well. It wasn't an asteroid or a cloud descending upon them, but the enormous bottom of a particularly fat goose, who landed with a thud right next to the two friends.
"Hullo fellahs," the moosey goosey said, and he waddled off in search of a caramel apple.
"That one looks like an elephant!" Smush said, gleefully pointing up at the sky.
"Aye you're right there," Mogey replied. "Say, look at that one. Doesn't that look an awful lot like an asteroid that's headed right for us?"
"You're wrong, Mogey," Smush whispered in terror. "That doesn't look like an asteroid that's headed right for us, it is and asteroid that's headed right for us!"
But Smush was wrong as well. It wasn't an asteroid or a cloud descending upon them, but the enormous bottom of a particularly fat goose, who landed with a thud right next to the two friends.
"Hullo fellahs," the moosey goosey said, and he waddled off in search of a caramel apple.
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CL
One day Mogey and Smush were sweeping sawdust. They weren't cleaning up or anything, but from time to time, the two pals found it quite therapeutic to go out to the sawmill and push some dust around.
"Oh Mogey, young Mogey," Smush began. "A question: if you put all the flavours of juice in the world, in order from most horrid to most delectable, what would be your least favorite?"
"That's an easy one," Mogey replied. "It would be the juice a lumberjack squeezes out of his bandana after a long day in a steamy forest. And yourself?"
"Lumberjack bandana juice is second on my list," Smush answered. "But the worst of the worst would most certainly be prune juice. I simply cannot tolerate the stuff."
"Oh Mogey, young Mogey," Smush began. "A question: if you put all the flavours of juice in the world, in order from most horrid to most delectable, what would be your least favorite?"
"That's an easy one," Mogey replied. "It would be the juice a lumberjack squeezes out of his bandana after a long day in a steamy forest. And yourself?"
"Lumberjack bandana juice is second on my list," Smush answered. "But the worst of the worst would most certainly be prune juice. I simply cannot tolerate the stuff."
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXLIX
The rain thrashed against the clapboards of the Billygoat's Beard Inn as Mogey and Smush stumbled inside, drenched to their bones.
"Mogey..." Smush panted. "Are the bones alright?" Mogey peeked inside his rucksack at the most precious of cargo: four pounds of prime soup bones for Chef Ricardo de Formaggio.
"They're drenched," Mogey replied, "but I think they're ok."
"Mogey..." Smush panted. "Are the bones alright?" Mogey peeked inside his rucksack at the most precious of cargo: four pounds of prime soup bones for Chef Ricardo de Formaggio.
"They're drenched," Mogey replied, "but I think they're ok."
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXLVIII
One day Mogey was going for the record. The county's longest handstand record, that is. Everyone - even Smush - had told him it couldn't be done.
"It can't be done!" Smush had said. "Do you know who set the handstand record? It was Muscley Paul. Ever heard of him? Muscley Paul's the only man this side of Guttersfield that can do one-finger-pushups!"
But Mogey had ignored them all. And now, here he was, in the village square with almost eight people watching, and the town clerk in attendance as official handstand timer. Finally the time was right. Mogey carefully placed his ends on the hard packed soil and kicked his legs into the air.
Nigh on five seconds later, Mogey's tunic fell down over his ears, his arms collapsed, and he was smacked in the face by his own stomach.
"Official time: 3.8 seconds," the town clerk said, immediately turning on his heel and walking away.
Smush went over to help old Mogey to his feet.
"Looks like everyone was right," Mogey whispered tearfully.
"No way," Smush replied, shaking his head. "That was the greatest athletic feat I've ever seen you perform. You should be one proud Mogey."
"It can't be done!" Smush had said. "Do you know who set the handstand record? It was Muscley Paul. Ever heard of him? Muscley Paul's the only man this side of Guttersfield that can do one-finger-pushups!"
But Mogey had ignored them all. And now, here he was, in the village square with almost eight people watching, and the town clerk in attendance as official handstand timer. Finally the time was right. Mogey carefully placed his ends on the hard packed soil and kicked his legs into the air.
Nigh on five seconds later, Mogey's tunic fell down over his ears, his arms collapsed, and he was smacked in the face by his own stomach.
"Official time: 3.8 seconds," the town clerk said, immediately turning on his heel and walking away.
Smush went over to help old Mogey to his feet.
"Looks like everyone was right," Mogey whispered tearfully.
"No way," Smush replied, shaking his head. "That was the greatest athletic feat I've ever seen you perform. You should be one proud Mogey."
Thursday, July 9, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXLVII
One day Mogey walked into the kitchen to find Smush cooking something most peculiar. On a single white plate he had poured out a glistening mound of gummy bears, and next to that was a bowl of melted butter, and next to that there was a bowl of batter, and next to that on the stove top was a vat of hot oil. Smush would dunk the GBs in the butter, then in the batter, and finally he would chuck them into the hot oil with a hiss. Why exactly Smush was hissing Mogey wasn't quite sure, but he was most certainly intrigued.
"What are you making?" Mogey asked.
"Hiss!" Smush said. "Fried gummy bears."
"Mmm!" Mogey exclaimed. "My favorite! When will they be ready?"
"I can't be quite sure," Smush replied. "You can't rush fried gummy bears."
"What are you making?" Mogey asked.
"Hiss!" Smush said. "Fried gummy bears."
"Mmm!" Mogey exclaimed. "My favorite! When will they be ready?"
"I can't be quite sure," Smush replied. "You can't rush fried gummy bears."
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXLVI
Mogey and Smush both owned bathrobes. Mogey's was canary yellow and embossed with a large red M on the back. Smush's was jet black and embossed with an S on the left lapel. On the rare occasion that Mogey and Smush weren't wearing them, the bathrobes could be found hanging in the water closet on the second landing of the mansion.
One day Smush came home from work around midday feeling rather ill, only to find Mogey sitting in the easy chair and wearing his black bathrobe with the S on the left lapel.
"Mogey!" Smush groaned. "What in the world are you doing?"
"Taking my afternoon break of course," Mogey replied in a tone that suggested his current appointment was far from abnormal.
"You take a break in the middle of the day?" Smush exclaimed. "And why are you wearing my bathrobe?"
"Sure, I always come home for three or four hours around this time," Mogey answered. "And this is most certainly not your bathrobe!"
"Then why does it have an S embossed on the left lapel?" Smush asked.
"The S stands for spicy," Mogey explained. "You see, I always take a midday siesta to digest my luncheon. If I eat something mild, I wear my bathrobe with the big red M, but if I eat a half dozen three-alarm-chili-dogs like I did today, well then I need the loose airiness of my spicy robe. I've been wondering for years why YOU wear it every morning."
One day Smush came home from work around midday feeling rather ill, only to find Mogey sitting in the easy chair and wearing his black bathrobe with the S on the left lapel.
"Mogey!" Smush groaned. "What in the world are you doing?"
"Taking my afternoon break of course," Mogey replied in a tone that suggested his current appointment was far from abnormal.
"You take a break in the middle of the day?" Smush exclaimed. "And why are you wearing my bathrobe?"
"Sure, I always come home for three or four hours around this time," Mogey answered. "And this is most certainly not your bathrobe!"
"Then why does it have an S embossed on the left lapel?" Smush asked.
"The S stands for spicy," Mogey explained. "You see, I always take a midday siesta to digest my luncheon. If I eat something mild, I wear my bathrobe with the big red M, but if I eat a half dozen three-alarm-chili-dogs like I did today, well then I need the loose airiness of my spicy robe. I've been wondering for years why YOU wear it every morning."
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXLV
"Hey Smush," Mogey said one day as the two of them sat on the front porch shelling walnuts. "You know the old saying 'tiptoe through the tulips?'"
"Mogey, you know full well I won't have talk like that in this house," Smush replied sternly. "I know the phrase 'stomp around in the tulips...'" he suggested.
"I know I know," Mogey rejoined. "What about prickerbushes? Can I say 'tiptoe through the prickerbushes?'"
"You can do whatever you want through the prickerbushes," Smush said. "But we don't show mercy to tulips, right?"
Mogey heaved a great sigh. Smush had been insufferable on this subject since accidentally getting tulip juice in his eye while making a smoothie one morning.
"Mogey, you know full well I won't have talk like that in this house," Smush replied sternly. "I know the phrase 'stomp around in the tulips...'" he suggested.
"I know I know," Mogey rejoined. "What about prickerbushes? Can I say 'tiptoe through the prickerbushes?'"
"You can do whatever you want through the prickerbushes," Smush said. "But we don't show mercy to tulips, right?"
Mogey heaved a great sigh. Smush had been insufferable on this subject since accidentally getting tulip juice in his eye while making a smoothie one morning.
Monday, July 6, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXLIV
One day Mogey and Smush were settling into the cabin they'd requisitioned for the summer in Gunkbubble Swamp. They'd gotten the deal of the century on the house and thus taken it sight unseen, so Smush was exploring the immediate neighborhood as Mogey fixed a pot of tea and a plate of raisin dumplings.
Mogey was just setting up this midafternoon snack on the picnic table when Smush came running out of the forest full steam ahead.
"Hummingbird Attaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" Smush screamed as he booked it toward his pal. Sure enough, Mogey could see a flock of the largest hummingbirds he'd ever laid eyes on in hot pursuit.
"My...word..." Mogey murmured fearfully as he looked more closely. "Smush!" he shouted. "Those ain't hummingbirds, they're mosquitoes!"
"Heavens to betsy!" Smush cried in terror, risking a single glance back. "Go into the house, Mogey! And dig out your tennis racket!"
Mogey was just setting up this midafternoon snack on the picnic table when Smush came running out of the forest full steam ahead.
"Hummingbird Attaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" Smush screamed as he booked it toward his pal. Sure enough, Mogey could see a flock of the largest hummingbirds he'd ever laid eyes on in hot pursuit.
"My...word..." Mogey murmured fearfully as he looked more closely. "Smush!" he shouted. "Those ain't hummingbirds, they're mosquitoes!"
"Heavens to betsy!" Smush cried in terror, risking a single glance back. "Go into the house, Mogey! And dig out your tennis racket!"
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXLIII
One summer afternoon Mogey and Smush were trotting out onto the baseball diamond - to the delight of thousands - when Mogey noticed that Smush's jersey had a black band around the collar.
"Oy, Smush," he said. "What's the story on that black stripe on your jersey? I never saw that before."
"It's in memory of Silas Cornkernal, the Flying Enchilada," Smush replied. "One of the greatest ballplayers Burpingham County has ever seen. He died last night in a freak bonfire-jumping accident, so I'm dedicating my game today to him. What's the story on that red splotch on your jersey?"
"That?" Mogey said, looking down at his chest. "That's in memory of the veal parm sub I had for lunch. I ate it so fast that I'm dedicating my game today to it."
"Oy, Smush," he said. "What's the story on that black stripe on your jersey? I never saw that before."
"It's in memory of Silas Cornkernal, the Flying Enchilada," Smush replied. "One of the greatest ballplayers Burpingham County has ever seen. He died last night in a freak bonfire-jumping accident, so I'm dedicating my game today to him. What's the story on that red splotch on your jersey?"
"That?" Mogey said, looking down at his chest. "That's in memory of the veal parm sub I had for lunch. I ate it so fast that I'm dedicating my game today to it."
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CXLII
"What, in your esteemed opinion, is the best topping to put on a dish of ice cream?" Mogey asked Smush one hot summer day as he mopped his brow with his hat. The two of them were lying beneath an old hickory tree taking a brief respite from tilling the cabbage patch.
"Hundreds and thousands," Smush replied. "No doubt about it."
"I see," Mogey said thoughtfully. "Would that be rainbow hundreds and thousands or chocolate hundreds and thousands?"
"Chocolate, of course," Smush answered.
"You really get my angry sometimes, you know that Smush?" Mogey growled, donning his cap and walking back to the field muttering to himself. "Chocolate hundreds and thousands! That's tommyrot!"
"Hundreds and thousands," Smush replied. "No doubt about it."
"I see," Mogey said thoughtfully. "Would that be rainbow hundreds and thousands or chocolate hundreds and thousands?"
"Chocolate, of course," Smush answered.
"You really get my angry sometimes, you know that Smush?" Mogey growled, donning his cap and walking back to the field muttering to himself. "Chocolate hundreds and thousands! That's tommyrot!"
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