The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 21

"Servants!" cried Emperor Mogey. "I feel excessively warm. Mildly 'uncomfy' if I may speak in such crude terms. I require a breeze!"

Immediately a crowd of attendants scrambled to fan the emperor, but something caught his lordly eye.

"You there!'

"Me, sir?" said Servant Smush nervously.

"Yes, you," Mogey confirmed. "Why are you doing that with your hands?" 

"Well, erm, you see, sir--" 

"You may call me Il Grande Ragazzo if it makes you feel more comfortable." 

"Oh, sure. Well you see, Il Grande Ragazzo, it's my first day here as a member of the fanners and lemonade fetchers. And my boss, he told me that if you requested a breeze, I should wave my palms at you."

"Uh huh," said Emperor Mogey, "and you thought he meant the palms of your hands, did you?"

"I did have a backup option in case I misunderstood?" suggested Servant Smush.

"That sounds like a good idea."

Smush scurried off and returned with what appeared - to Mogey's eyes - to be about 150 sheets of tattered parchment, which he then began to wave all around in the emperor's personal space.

"What are you doing now?" Mogey demanded.

"Fanning you with psalms!" said Smush with enthusiasm.

"Have those even been written yet?"

"The timeline is unclear, sir," Smush acknowledged.

"Well, in any case I'm quite certain that psalms are not an approved fanning implement for the king of kings!" Mogey exclaimed. "I hope you have a second backup option?"

"I certainly do, sir!"

"One moment," Mogey said, catching Smush's arm before he could run off again. "Let's get one thing clear. If you return to this dais with a set of pom-poms, your first day on the job will be your last... not just as a fanner, but as a lemonade fetcher as well." 

The entire court gasped. 

"No problem, Il Grande Ragazzo," said Smush, awkwardly nudging a cheerleading uniform back under the table with his toe. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 20

"Smush?" Mogey said as the two pals hoed the beans one summer afternoon . "Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?"

"A bit of body art?" Smush rejoined, mopping his brow.

"That's right."

"Some 'ink,' if you will? How do you know I haven't got one already?"

"The terminology you're using, for one," Mogey replied. "But also remember how you made me attend the Mr. North Ratville pageant last year?"

"They're called bodybuilding competitions!" Smush exclaimed. "Not pageants!"

"The fact that 'Beefy' Bob McGeary won the 'Best Evening Dress' sash would call that into question. But either way, the contest didn't leave much to the imagination - there's no way you were hiding a tattoo on the Mr. North Ratville stage." 

"Oh no?" Smush said, grinning wickedly. "What do you call this?" He leaned his head to the right, exposing his neck in the midsummer sun.

"That birthmark?" asked Mogey. "I'd call it a birthmark. Maybe a large freckle if I was feeling generous." 

"Oh ho!" Smush announced. "Well you needn't ask if maybe I was born with it. Because I wasn't. And no - I know what you're thinking - it ain't Maybelline neither." 

"I wasn't thinking that." 

"Well don't think it now! For it is a tattoo!"

"You tattooed a birthmark on your neck?" 

"I most certainly did," Smush replied. "I always wanted a birthmark, and so for my last birthday I thought: shoot, might as well splurge and give myself the gift of ink." 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 19

One gorgeous summer's afternoon, Mogey and Smush sought some refreshment after a long and toilsome day of picnicking. Luckily, the Herr Sigmund Sauerbraten Pärk contained a popular biergarten. The pals procured two refreshing mugs of refreshment, then joined a trio of grizzled-looking fellows at one of the long tables.

"Afternoon, gentlemen," Mogey said cheerily. "Picnicking hard or hardly picnicking... am I right?"

The men simply stared at him grizzlishly. 

"And what are your names, my dear chums?" Smush ventured.

"They calls me Knifey 'The Knife' Knifington," said the first man, "on account of I'm a stabber." 

"Fascinating," said Mogey. "And you?" he asked the second man.

"Mick 'The Stick' Stickler, at your service."

"And what might that service be?" Smush inquired.

"Smackin' people," said The Stick. "With sticks." 

"Well now we must complete the set," Mogey said to the third and final resident of their table. "By what moniker are you known?"

"Rocky 'The Rock' Crockpot," the man replied.

"Let me guess," Smush interjected, "you bonk people over the head with rocks?"

"What? No," said The Rock, looking rather hurt by the accusation. He pulled an acoustic guitar from beneath the table and began strumming it sadly. "I play soft rock. And occasionally guest DJ at 103.9 Lite FM."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 18

Step after torturous step the pals climbed. Hour after harrowing hour they slogged. All the way up to the tip top of the public walking path nicknamed E-Z Strider by the Department of Parks and Recreation. 

"False advertising," Smush panted as they reached the pinnacle. "Not one of those strides was E-Z." 

"The Department of Parks and Recreation should be ashamed," Mogey agreed. "But look: we made it." 

For under the tree just ahead of them sat a wizened man with a crow perched upon his shoulder. 

"Pergola the Sage," whispered Mogey. 

The pals walked forward and sat cross-legged before the honored elder.

"O most ancient and wise Pergola," Smush began. 

"Most WHAT and wise Pergola?" Pergola exclaimed.

"Erm... O most wise Pergola..."

"Better," said Pergola.

"We come seeking your opinion on a question to which my friend and I simply cannot reach consensus," Smush continued. "If a pig were to walk through a puddle so deep that his belly touched the water... what would he do?" 

"He'd freak out, right?" Mogey added. Smush elbowed him. 

Pergola considered for a moment. His crow cawed several times. 

"Well," said the reputed guru, "what would you do if you were to walk through a puddle so deep that your belly touched the water?"

"Freak out," Mogey replied.

While at the same time Smush said, "not much at all." The two pals looked at each other and grinned.

"You see?" Pergola intoned. "The question is not of the pig, but of yourselves." 

"No," said Mogey, "I mean - the question literally was about a pig. You see we have these big potholes in our dooryard, and Sir Oinks-a-lot keeps breaking out of his sty, and I'm just real worried he's going to freak out." 

Pergola shrugged. "Pergola the Sage has spoken," he concluded.

"Can I ask you one more thing?" Smush requested. "Does the crow, like, help you come up with your answers?"

"Crow?" asked Pergola.

"Yes, that's right - the crow on your shoulder. I noticed he made some noises when you were considering our question."

"There is no crow on my--" said Pergola, turning his head. "AGHHHHHHHH!" he screamed when he caught sight of the bird.

"CAWWWWWW!" screamed the crow.

"AGHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Mogey and Smush.

"AGHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the class of nursery school students who happened to be walking by on E-Z Strider.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 17

Mogey and Smush stood near the statue of Admiral Herm Herman and surveyed the scene. The Midsummer Ball was the social event of the season, and the pals had worn their dapper best: top hats, tails, and cargo shorts (camouflage, of course). 

"Who've you got your eye on for the first waltz?" Mogey asked. 

"Well, there's Miss Cellaneous," Smush began, nodding at a gaggle of young ladies gathered 'round the punch bowl. "I'm intrigued by her interest in all things random. But on the other hand, Miss Shun's focus on the matter at hand is quite appealing." 

"What about Miss Take?" Mogey inquired.

"Too clumsy," Smush said, as he unknowingly dropped several sauce-covered shrimp down the front of his shirt. "Miss Chief, on the other hand, likes to live dangerously. I think I'll go ask if she's got an open slot on her dance card for the likes of one Smush von Smush." 

"I thought he'd never leave," said a voice as Smush marched off. Mogey turned to see a lady in a laurel dress standing behind him. "Miss Construe," she introduced herself. Mogey held out his hand to shake, but Miss Construe dangled her palm into his, clearly expecting her hand to be kissed.

"A pleasure to meet you," Mogey said as he obliged. "Miss Construe... I don't suppose you often find yourself confused by what people are--"

"Dancing?" Miss Construe interrupted. "Not at all. For example, I'm quite confident that this is Augustin Pickler's famous 'Crab Legs Waltz.'"

"That's not exactly what I meant. I was only asking if you--"

"Wanted to borrow your shorts? I might just take you up on that. I'm hunting for jungle ducks next week and that camouflage pattern would be perfect." 

"Jungle ducks, eh?" Mogey asked, regarding Miss Construe as if for the first time. "How do you capture those?"

"We pan-roast them with sausage and herb butter," Miss Construe replied. "And there's no more succulent meat in all the land."

"Crab legs waltz it is!" Mogey announced, leading Miss Construe to the center of the ballroom for the first of many puzzling dances.