The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 569

"So, Mogey," Smush said one day as the two pals sat around a heaping plate of ebelskivers, "have you made any New Year's resolutions?"

"Indeed I have," Mogey replied. "I've resolved to add an additional apricot bear claw to my daily doughnut regimen."

"I see, and how many doughnuts does that take you up to on a typical day? Six? Seven?"

"It's actually a nice round gentleman's ten."

"Ah," said Smush. "You know, Mogey, usually a New Year's resolution is something constructive, like getting healthy, or, say, being kinder to others."

"Well that's just what I'm doing," Mogey responded. "The Moge-man is a whole lot nicer to his neighbors with an extra apricot bear claw in his belly. I'll be so darn kind, people might actually stop shrieking when I pass them on the sidewalk."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 568

"Do you think you could ever live in a rain forest?" Mogey asked Smush as the two pals stared out the kitchen window at a bleak, stormy November morning.

"Not on your life," Smush replied.

"Why's that? Is it the bugs?"

"No sir, the bugs don't other me in the slightest."

"The heat, then?"

"Uh-uh," Smush said. "Smush loves him some hot, humid weather."

"Well what is it?" Mogey inquired. "Why wouldn't you live in a rain forest?"

"Two reasons," Smush replied. "First, I'm deathly afraid of leaches. Second, monkeys. Those wise guys are always giving you a hard time. It's like, hey, monkey, if you're going to make a funny face at me, why don't you come down here where I can hit you with my monkey beating stick?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 567

"You know something, Smush? I'm thinking about taking on the horn," Mogey announced one day as the two pals were viewing an amateur game of skittles at the YMCA.

"Good for you!" Smush replied. "Which horn is that? The french horn?"

"Of course not."

"The trumpet, then?"

"No."

"Perhaps the flugelhorn?"

"Um, no, Smush, I'm talking about the XXXL creme horn at Papa Bombasta's House of Absurdly Oversized Pastries," said Mogey, rolling his eyes dramatically. "Sheesh, it's like you've never spoken to me before."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 566

When Grandma Mulligan moved down to Crillking County, Mogey and Smush missed her warm smile, her potato soup, and her blazin' hot hip hop stylings, in that order. One winter's eve when they missed Grandma Mulligan particularly terribly, Mogey and Smush decided to try their hands at making her world famous potato soup.

"Are all the ingredients assembled?" Smush asked.

"Yessiree," Mogey replied.

"Alright then, hand me a potato." Mogey handed him one. "Hang on a second," Smush said. "This isn't a potato at all. It's a Mr. Potato Head doll."

"So?"

"We need real potatoes to make potato soup."

"I've had enough of this talk of real potatoes and fake potatoes," Mogey said sternly. "Grandma Mulligan never held with potato racism and I won't either!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 565

One morning Mogey was enjoying a heaping bowl of bran clusters when he looked up to see Smush descending the stairs. His pal looked remarkably different: A long grey beard hung from Smush's chin and despite leaning heavily on a cane, he was limping along at a snail's pace, his back hunched awkwardly.

"Good heavens, Smush!" Mogey exclaimed. "What has happened? Have I gone to bed and woken up many years later like Rip van Stiltskin?"

"Of course you haven't, dunderhead," Smush replied. "And it's Rumplewinkle, not Rip van Stiltskin."

"But, but you're an old man!"

"I most certainly am not! This is just my napping beard," Smush rejoined, pulling off the false grey whiskers. "And I'm only using this cane because you roller skated over my foot yesterday. I told you the inside of that elevator wasn't a roller derby arena, but did you listen to me? No you did not."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 564

"How would you like to go caroling today, Mogey?" Smush asked one morning very near Christmas.

"Hmm, I must say I'm intrigued," Mogey replied. "Tell me more about this caroling."

"We'll go from door to door, singing our favorite Christmas songs and bringing cheer to our friends and neighbors."

"And what would we get in return?" Mogey asked.

"You don't get anything in return," Smush said. "It's just a nice thing to do."

"Fiddlesticks! I thought you mentioned something about figgy puddings?"

"I said nothing of the sort."

"Well I suppose I could bring my own figgy puddings," Mogey said thoughtfully. "Let's do it. But you had better be prepared to carry the second verse of Good King Wenceslas: That first verse always makes me hungry, so I'll probably have my mouth full."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 563

Of all the magnificent and monstrous creatures in the land, the most feared was the mighty quadropus. He was a squid-like sea-dwelling beast with four tentacles long enough to crush an entire truckload of snack cakes into one tiny nugget of deliciousness. The quadropus was also know for his keen fashion eye: He had a tendency to gobble up anyone he thought was dressed distastefully.

One fine morning, Mogey and Smush were out for a refreshing swim in Burntbottom Bay when suddenly the might quadropus rose up before them.

"Who goes there?" the quadropus demanded in his booming voice.

"Tis just us," Mogey replied. "Mogey and Smush."

"Ah," said the quadropus. "I thought you may have been the snack cake delivery man."

"While we're in your presence, oh great quadropus," Smush interjected, "would you mind telling us what you think of our fashion senses?" The quadropus gazed at them with an appraising eye.

"Poor, but not the worst I've seen. Your choice of striped socks with plaid swim trunks was a bit misguided, as was, come to think of it, your choice to wear socks of any kind whilst swimming."

An awkward silence fell for a moment, as Mogey and Smush gazed bashfully down into the water at their stockinged feet.

"Ohhhh, I get it," Mogey said suddenly. "It's like 'octopus,' but he has four legs instead of eight!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 562

"What shall we do to get girls to dance with us?" Mogey asked one lovely summer's eve as he and Smush were en route to the big hoedown.

"It is a mystery that has plagued scholars for centuries and centuries," Smush replied. "Although I hear girls love tough guys - can you do anything tough?"

"I can demonstrate a few tai chi moves. Do you think that would work?"

"I'm not so sure... tai chi doesn't seem like something tough guys would do."

"Balderdash," Mogey retorted. "It's a martial art!"

"What about scars?" Smush suggested. "Have you got any scars to show off how tough you are?"

"That I do!" Mogey said excitedly. "See the little red spot where that soft-shell crab pinched me last week? If that doesn't make me look like a hard man, nothing will."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 561

One morning, Mogey returned home from working the late shift at the savory cracker factory to find a statue in the front garden. The statue was a full-size sloth carved out of brilliant white stone, and the sculptor had taken extra care to make it exceptionally lifelike.

"Nice statue," Mogey told Smush as he went inside and wearily set down his lunch, extra lunch, and luncho fantastico (Spanish for "3rd lunch") pails.

"What statue is that?" Smush asked, looking up from his copy of Prune & Dried Fruit Aficionado.

"The big sloth statue out front," Mogey replied.

"No! No! No!" Smush cried, tossing aside his magazine and dashing out the front door. "That crafty rascal."

Mogey followed his pal outside to discover that the sloth statue was gone. "I don't understand," he said. "What happened?"

"It wasn't a statue at all," Smush replied. "It was an actual sloth covered in flour. You see, Mogey, that critter has taken to rolling around our flour bin. He likes how it feels on his fur, but then our bread smells like sloth for the next week. When you saw him in the front garden, he was actually fleeing the scene of the crime very, very slowly."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume 560

"He had a shiny bald head," Mogey explained to the police sketch artist. "And if you ask me he looked to be a few apples short of an apple cake."

"Ok," the sketch artist replied. "What about his height?"

"He was probably, what, two-foot-two or two-foot-four?" Smush answered.

"And what sort of clothes was he wearing?"

"I'm not sure," Smush said. "It was hard to see anything around the armor-like shell he had on his back."

"It sounds like this guy looked exactly like a turtle," said the sketch artist. "What did he do, again?"

"He was a turtle," Mogey replied. "And he ate up half the cabbages in our garden."