The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXVII

"Hey Mogey," Smush said one morning at the breakfast table. "Have you taken care of that spider web near the barn yet?"

"No," Mogey replied. "It's very bad luck to kill a spider."

"Come with me, Mogey," Smush said, rising from the table. He led his pal out to the front porch and up the path beside the house, where they stopped before the barn. A massive spider web more than four fathoms wide stretched clear to the woodshed, and in it were stuck several birds of varying sizes, a beach ball, and their dog, Pogo.

"There is literally a dog stuck in this spider web, Mogey," Smush exclaimed. "A full sized dog. How long before a baby gets stuck in there? Or worse, one of our pigs?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXVI

One misty day Mogey and Smush had to meet with a quite nefarious individual at the tip top of Mount Moop.

"Bring the map, Mogey," Smush said. "It's awful foggy out and I have the feeling we might get lost."

Sure enough, the intrepid travelers got spun around in the blindingly thick haze, and before long they found themselves caught on Mount Moop's most dangerous feature: Bonebreak Ledge.

"Can I see that map, Mogey?" Smush asked over the howl of the wind. Mogey handed him the rolled sheet of parchment.

"What is this?" Smush demanded, staring at the map in shock. "This is a child's coloring map of the South Pole! Why would you bring this?"

"You said we might get lost," Mogey replied.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXV

Mogey and Smush loved to play tic-tac-toe, but they had a slight variation on the traditional game.

"X's win it," Mogey exclaimed as Smush began removing his left shoe and stocking fearfully. Mogey grabbed the hammer from its place on the tic-tac-toe board and took a few practice swings, grinning mischievously as Smush winced in anticipation.

"Alrighty," Mogey said, "here we go. Tiiiiic...taaaac...TOE!" he shouted, bringing the hammer down on Smush's big toe. Smush screamed in pain and hopped about, clutching his foot.

"That was too hard!" Smush roared. "Keep it up and I'm changing the game to tic-tac-forehead!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXIV

"You know what I was thinking, Smush?" Mogey said one dewey morning. "It's high time we rebel."

"Rebel?" Smush asked. "But we live in the lap of luxury here. Duke and Duchess Googapan let us do as we please over the entire north wing of their estate. They give us three square meals a day on silver platters, plus a fourth meal on a plate made of fresh waffles. We never lift a finger except to play paper football on game night. Best of all, the butler powders our wigs each morning and fluffs our slippers so they slide on easily, even when our toes are particularly sausagey. Why in the world would we want to rebel?"

"Because they're not the boss of us!" Mogey shouted, stomping his foot.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXIII

One day Mogey and Smush were down at the Countywide Cracklin' Cornbread Bakeoff. Dozens of contestants entered every year, but to make sure no baker stayed on top for too long, everyone had to share the secret ingredient that made his or her cornbread crackle.

"What was your secret ingredient?" the judge asked Mrs. Butterthumb, the contest's winner three years earlier.

"Rice krispies," Mrs. Butterthumb admitted abashedly.

"Oh ho!" the judge cried. "Very interesting, Mrs. Butterthumb, very interesting indeed. And the lovely Miss Wiggybean? What was your secret ingredient?"

"Pork cracklins," Miss Wiggybean said, covering her face with a flowered apron.

"Ahhh, a true classic," said the judge as we walked toward Mogey and Smush's steaming pan of yellow bread. "And what was your secret ingredient, gentlemen?" he asked.

"Bubble wrap!" Smush cried proudly.

"And a litttttttle pinch of allspice," Mogey added.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXII

"Hey Mogey," Smush said one frosty day as they harvested the last of the cabbages, "what's your hat made of?"

"This hat?" Mogey answered with gusto. "This hat is knitted from the finest Bandrigian wool harvested secretly in the dead of night from Lord Plumper's personal flock of bounding sheep. What're your trousers made of?"

"My shirt is made from the hide of the dreaded Portuguese anger deer," Smush explained. "It's a creature so murderous, that to catch it the hunter had to replace his salt lick with a bearmeat lick. The hide of the anger deer had to be boiled in lye for a fortnight before it could be touched by human hands, but it's as soft as silk, and as tough as a dwarf noggin. What's your vest made of?"

"Pleather," Mogey replied.

"Well I can't compete with that," Smush said in awe.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXI

One day Smush was mixing up some egg nog when Mogey walked in from a long half hour's work in the peacock fields. Smush thought it would be the height of hilarity to flick his noggy whisk in Mogey's direction, splattering him with a fine spray of nogdroplets. Mogey paused in mid step. Cautiously, he wiped a finger across his cheek and put it to his mouth.

"Smush," Mogey said, turning intensely toward his friend as his eyes narrowed, "you've just made my list."

"What list is that?" Smush asked, suddenly nervous.

"A list I keep nailed to my wall..." Mogey began, his face etched with emotion, "of people who make delicious egg nog."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCX

There was but one time Mogey and Smush got involved in local politics. In the village of Gumpottom Hollow there a biannual election was held for town meat clerk, an important position in a hamlet whose principal export was ham. Ham hamlets like Gumpottom Hollow were common once upon a time.

Well, Mogey and Smush liked meat, and they liked clerkery, so they decided to run for co-meat clerk positions on a duel ballot. The election turned ugly, however, when local butcher and crowd favorite Matthias Cleaves entered the race, blowing away Mogey and Smush in a landslide.

It always remained a mystery to Mogey and Smush how they had lost with such a well-run campaign. They'd come up short even though they exhibited these three characteristics of all successful election strategies:

1) Trustworthiness: Mogey and Smush had stolen fewer pies and babies off of back porches than anyone in the community (except perhaps notable pie-hater Ron Boingee, who was allergic to babies).

2) Attractiveness: It goes without saying that between Mogey's distinguished paunch and Smush's distinguished paunch, they were two of the best looking fellows in the district.

3) A Catchy Campaign Slogan: After much deliberation Mogey and Smush had stumbled upon a slogan that was both excellent and irrefutable: "Mogey and Smush: a smell you can taste!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCIX

When the ointment factory went under, Mogey and Smush needed new jobs. It wasn't that the factory had closed - an earthquake caused it to sink into an underground cavern, and Mogey and Smush required at least four hours of direct sunlight per day in order to work. So they found themselves applying for positions with a traveling circus.

"Which one of you is Mogey?" the mustachioed circus manager asked. Mogey raised his hand. "It says here you're an acrobat AND a lion tamer?"

"And I also muck one heck of a stall," Mogey replied.

"Interesting," the circus manager said, his belly shaking like a bowl full of whale blubber. "And you must be Smush?" he asked Smush. "Next to your name it just says 'Mogey's Manager.' Would you care to elaborate?"

"I would not," Smush answered.

"Well apart from the fourteen quid sixpenny a week salary, is there anything ye'll need on the job?" the circus manager said.

"Only one thing," Mogey rejoined. "When I do my trademark quintuple axle gainer backflop extraordinaire, I need to land in a very very specific item."

"What item is that?"

"I need to land in a hogshead barrel full to the brim with coconut cream pie filling," Mogey stated. "Coconut cream pie filling I say, or I walk away from this job right now."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCVIII

"You know what's funny?" Mogey observed one afternoon as he and Smush picked goose feathers up off their front lawn. "Neither of us has a last name."

"That's curious," Smush said. "What last name would you like, if you could have one?"

"I think Mogey de la Meatasausa has a nice ring to it," Mogey replied. "What about you? If you could have any last name in the world what would it be."

"Man," Smush answered.

"Man?"

"Yes sir," Smush went on. "I'd be Smush Man, Attorney at Law. And all would fear my wrath."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCVII

One day Mogey and Smush were making prunes when Smush decided it was time for a test of intellect.

"Welcome to Quiz Central with your host, the magnificent Smush!" Smush cried, as he always did before a test of intellect. "Alright Mogey," he went on. "What...is the greatest shape ever?"

"Well I've always been partial to a nice oval..." Mogey began.

"Bzz!" Smush bzzed loudly. "Incorrect. The answer we were looking for was rhombus. A rhombus is the greatest shape ever."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCVI

One day Mogey and Smush were at the open air market looking for a new drain cover. Their pet mulechicken, Rufus, had eaten the cover from the kitchen sink, then sprained his ankle stepping into the open drain, so Mogey and Smush knew they needed a new one soon lest Rufus sprain a more vital joint before his upcoming chariot race.

"What do you think, Mogey?" Smush asked glancing about the stands. "What type of drain cover should we get? Copper? Brass? Aluminium?"

"Plaid," Mogey stated assuredly, "and woolen." And he immediately began haggling with a Mongolian drain cover salesman for his best plaid woolen drain cover.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCV

One day Mogey and Smush were having a bit of a pasta cookout. What a pasta cookout consisted of, exactly, was Mogey and Smush cooking pasta out of doors. They'd build a roaring ironwood fire and set their largest pasta pot in the center of the blaze. Then they'd dance around the flames singing songs to the pasta king in hopes that their water would boil extra quickly.

"What sauce did you say we were putting on this pasta, Mogey?" Smush asked.

"I wanted to try out something new this time," Mogey replied. "I saw this here can of cranberry sauce on the shelf down at Flinty's general store and I said to myself, that sounds like the most delicious pasta sauce I've ever heard of!"

"Cranberry sauce?" Smush scoffed. "You've got it all wrong, Mogey. That stuff's not pasta sauce at all - it's more like the jelly you eat with a roast turkey."

"I think it shall taste delightful," Mogey insisted. "What goes better than pasta and cranberries? And they've already made our sauce for us!"

"But--"

"CRANBERRY SAUCE!" Mogey shouted. "And I say fiddlesticks to your turkey traditions. Cranberry sauce I have purchased, and on cranberry sauce we shall feast!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCIV

Brigadier General Mogey and Lieutenant Commander Smush each headed up several battalions of soldiers. Lieutenant Commander Smush was a naval officer charged with leading an entire fleet of warships and several hundred men. Brigadier General Mogey commanded a similarly sized land army, and working together they formed a force so mighty it could wipe out entire militaries in one fell swoop.

The two officers did not always agree, however. One misty, chilly afternoon, just as Brigadier General Mogey and Lieutenant Commander Smush were poised to execute a classic pincer attack on the evil armies of Chugladoon, the unthinkable happened. Mogey turned on his comrade, attacking Smush's naval fleet when they least expected it. The sailors fell like leaves being plucked by an extremely bored monkey and Lieutenant Commander Smush was left trying to make a final stand with a vastly depleted force.

"Hey no fair!" Lieutenant Commander Smush yelled, using one of his ships to splash Brigadier General Mogey with creek water. "I thought we were going to attack the evil armies of Chugladoon," he said, pointing at the hastily built sand castle on the creek bank.

"I'm bored of always attacking Chugladoon," Mogey replied. "And I don't want to rebuild the sandcastle again so soon. Your boats are closer - and anyways, they're way easier to sink."

"Not if they can fly!" Smush cried, lifting one of his ships from the water and tossing it onto Mogey's finest platoon of archers.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCIII

Mogey and Smush had decided that it was high time they got a guard animal of some kind, but they just couldn't seem to agree on what sort of creature would be best. Smush had his heart set on a german shepherd, but Mogey insisted that another kind of beast altogether would keep the house far more secure.

"I tell you, guard bees are the pinnacle of home defense!" Mogey declared. "Everyone hates bees...even burglars!"

"What in the world are you talking about?" Smush asked. "Who ever heard of guard bees? How would we train them?"

"Bees respond very well to simple commands," Mogey insisted. "They're much more intelligent than any old german shepherd. For example, I told a bee to get away the other day, and it did."

"But wouldn't they sting us?"

"That's the price you pay for keeping your precious toilet lid collection safe," Mogey said. "You want a cute pet, get a german shepherd. You want round-the-clock home protection, you get guard bees."