The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 30

As Mogey and Smush were snorkeling at the highly-exclusive, all-inclusive, slightly-elusive resort known as Sand 'n Stuff, Smush began to struggle. At first he spluttered, then he thrashed, and in mere moments he was down. And by "down," of course we mean he was inverted, with his feet in the air and his head underwater. As has been covered in these records previously, Mogey and Smush were both excellent flotation devices. 

But bobbing at the surface doesn't matter much when your breathing apparatus - nose, mouth, and snorkel all - are beneath the waves, so Smush was in trouble. 

Luckily, Sand 'n Stuff was staffed by Flotilla the Hon, a lifeguard who was quite buoyant in his own right, and a sweetheart to boot. Flotilla sprang into action, paddling out to Smush's position, flipping him upright, and then hauling him out of the water.

"Easy there, big fella," said Flotilla, depositing Smush in the sand and inspecting his snorkel. "What seems to be the--say! What's this gunk in your snorkel?"

"Don't... touch..." Smush murmured breathlessly, "my... hot... fudge."

"Hot fudge in a snorkel?" Flotilla the Hun exclaimed. "No wonder you couldn't breathe!"

"Ahh, Flotilla," said Mogey stickily. He took a pull off his own fudgy snorkel and gave a pat on the back to the naive young lifeguard, "'tis the only way to live!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 29

"Well, Mogey," said Smush, returning from the pantry with a bundle of candles under his arm. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I finally found that chocolate donut hole that rolled off the table last month." 

"Is that the source of the crumbs on your moustache?" Mogey asked.

Smush peeled off his moustache to regard it, nodded, and pasted it back upon his upper lip.

"So you didn't save any for me?" Mogey exclaimed. "I'm not sure how that's good news. What's the bad news?"

"We're out of candles," Smush disclosed. "It's time for us to call on... the chandler."

"Confound it!" said Mogey. "I can't face him again. I can't! And I won't." 

But the need for light won out in the end. After all, it is said that you eat with your eyes first, and in Mogey and Smush's case, less than an hour after their last candle guttered out, Mogey had already choked on two separate chicken bones, and Smush had accidentally swallowed an entire baby back rib. So they turned up on the chandlery doorstep, ready to face the music as it were. 

"Ah ha!" shouted Bose Bumbous as he opened the door. The sturdy chandler was only four feet tall, but it was said he once defeated a team of oxen in tug-of-war. "Two of my favorite customers." 

"Yep," grumbled Smush. "I don't suppose you've started accepting cash as a form of payment?"

"No sir," Bose Bumbous replied. "We're still a foot massage-only business. My father - and his father before him - believed that the only acceptable payment for a stack of candles was a good old-fashioned foot rub."

Mogey groaned. Bose Bumbous mistook this for a groan of appreciation. 

"Thank you, my friend," Bose Bumbous said. "You know, I do my best to carry on Papa's legacy and run an honest shop here - my prices are still the most reasonable of any chandlery in the province. All I ask is that my customers deliver all foot massages they owe upon receipt of product. Now how many candles can I get you fellers?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 28

Mogey and Smush could not swim, but it didn't matter much. The pals were so buoyant that they could safely bob in virtually any body of water for many hours on end. Bobbing they were one day off Bobbin Beach when suddenly there emerged out of the waves a merman. Specifically it was Kyle the Merman, a person of interest at both Bobbin Beach and Scotland Yard.

"What's good, boys?" said Kyle the Merman. 

"Pshh," Mogey muttered, rolling his eyes.  

"Have I done something to offend you, son?" Kyle asked, rising several inches further out of the water.

"Oh, like you don't remember borrowing my favorite Scooby Doo t-shirt? And never returning it?"

"Couple things," Kyle replied. "Firstly, I live underwater, so unless this t-shirt was made of squid skin it would be a bit impractical. Secondly, do you really think I could fit into one of your t-shirts?" 

Kyle rose fully out of the water. His upper body was what marine biologists would describe as "jacked." 

"He's got some good points there, Moge-man," Smush interjected.

"Well I'm sorry if I don't document the materials each and every one of my garments are made from, but I know you borrowed it!"

"If you disagree that strongly, there's always the option," Kyle the Merman said quietly, "of settling this with fisticuffs." 

"Let's go, Smush," Mogey said, paling slightly. It took quite a while to bob their way back to shore, but as soon as his feet were firmly on dry sand, Mogey called back to Kyle the Merman. "Not so tough now, are ya, ya great overgrown flounder?" 

Without a word, Kyle the Merman launched himself from the water, smacking Mogey across the chest with his massive tail. Mogey felt as though he'd been slapped with the world's largest halibut, and could say not a word as Kyle wriggled back into the sea. 

Smush ran off to find a lifeguard and returned with an overeager, be-speedoed chap. 

"Holy cow!" the young lifeguard exclaimed, looking at Mogey's chest. "Did you get slapped with a big halibut or something?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 27

When the messenger boy stumbled into town, more dead than alive, he brought word that an ancient and most valuable relic had been discovered high in the mountains. There was little interest from the townsfolk. Weak with exhaustion, the messenger managed to murmur that the Wurst im Mund cable car led to the very spot where the relic was hidden, and suddenly the village was alive with questers, Mogey and Smush chief among them.  

After a very pleasant ride up the Wurst im Mund, the questers followed the messenger's directions to the mouth of a dank and mysterious cave. Above the cave's entrance, an inscription had been carved into the living stone: Farcimen non Pemittitur. 

"What's that mean?" Mogey whispered to Smush.

"Probably just nonsense words," Smush replied, taking a big chomp of one of the frankfurters he'd bought at the Wurst im Mund food court.

The questers gathered at the mouth of the tunnel, but they dared not enter, for standing in the opening was a knight, his pristine armor shining in the mountain sun, a white sash stretched over his chest.  

"So can we, erm, go in? Or what?" asked Toadly Punt, a tailor from the village who was part frog and part monkey. 

"First I must assess whether you are pure of heart, my funky friend," the knight announced. 

"Hey, how'd you know I was part frog and part monkey?" 

"The knight knows all," the knight stated pretentiously. "But I was referring to your tie-dye vest." 

"Alright then," said Toadly, satisfied by the funkiness of his vest, "do your thing."

The knight stood motionless for several moments, then thundered, "you desire to use the relic for personal gain. Your heart is impure! You may not enter."

Toadly walked away blubbering. One by one, the other questers stepped up, but each was met with a similar judgment by the knight. When finally Mogey and Smush's turn arrived, the knight paused longer than he had for any of the other questers.

"C'mon, Mogey - let's go," Smush muttered at last.

"Wait!" the knight called out. "Your hearts were difficult to assess, I admit. You," he pointed to Mogey, "have an entire buffalo chicken eggroll lodged in your left ventricle somehow. Yet that does not mean your hearts are impure. You may enter!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2025 Edition - Episode 26

Mogey and Smush lingered at the back of their tour group, doing what they often did when they found themselves in premises as dignified as the Museum of Okay Art: plotting. 

"Surely we can have but one goal today, Mogey?" said Smush.

"Agreed." 

"We are in agreement then?"

"Surely," Mogey concurred. 

"The Room of Disgust!" they both stated in unison.

And so the pals snuck away from the group and made their way toward the dingiest corner of the Museum of Okay Art. In the hallway leading up to the infamous exhibit stood a tall rat constructed of plywood. One gnarled paw held a sign that read "You must be at least THIS TALL to enter the Room of Disgust" - the other claw stretched out to demonstrate a height at least a foot above the pals' heads.

"We'll never make it," Mogey lamented. "Even on our tiptoes and wearing platform shoes." 

"But look who's guarding the door," Smush said, pointing further down the hall.

"Is that Snooze McGee?" Mogey exclaimed.

Smush's nod confirmed that the guard was, in fact, the ninja sloth of legend. The tales of his eleventh-degree black belt were exceeded only by his reputation for being sleepy even by sloth standards. 

So the pals squeezed past the snoring guard and stole into the Room of Disgust, trying not to let their eyes linger overlong on Snooze McGee's nunchucks as they passed. Their enthusiasm heightening, Mogey and Smush gazed about the room... and almost immediately their faces fell. The entire contents of the exhibition space seemed to be a still life painting of cabbages, kale, and cauliflower.

"Well this is a bust," Mogey grumped. "What's so awful about a pile of produce?"

"I dunno," Smush replied. "The idea of eating cruciferous veggies certainly gives me the creeps." 

"Come to think of it, you're right. Let's get out of he--wait! What's that noise?"

But the sound was unmistakably the eerie whoosh of nunchucks being twirled by a drowsy - but now very much awake - ninja sloth.