The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 22

"We've done it! We've finally done it!" Mogey exclaimed, holding aloft a sealed scroll as he entered the gymnasium where Smush was performing calisthenics. "The Empress has agreed to grant us noble titles!"

"Why?" Smush inquired as he hefted a round dumbbell.

"Surely you recall our daring rescue of Duchess Agatha?" 

"That lady who fell into the swimming hole down at Merle's Quarry? We just cleared her out because she was in the way of the double jackknife supreme we were about to blow everyones' minds with. Didn't we?"

"Mostly," Mogey admitted. "But that's not how the Empress sees it. What title will you choose? Me, I'm quite partial to the sounds of Viscount Mogey."

"Grand Duke, of course," said Smush. "What else?"

"Good one! But I can't have you outrank me, can I? Perhaps I'll be Great Grand Duke Mogey."

"Well then I'll be Great Great Grand Duke Smush."

"P'shaw!" Mogey grumbled.

"P'shaw yourself!" Smush rejoined. "Say, what are these books? The Little Prince?"

"Dunno," said Mogey, "that's the same box the scroll came in.... uh oh." His face fell as he reread the letter more carefully. "I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. The Empress writes: You have my thanks for 'rescuing' Duchess Agatha, the two time Olympic bronze medalist in the 200 meter freestyle. Please enjoy reading these noble titles and stay the heck away from Merle's Quarry. I don't get it - why did she put quotation marks around 'rescuing?'"

"Sadly, my friend," Smush said as he put an arm around his pal, "I think the lordship of Viscount Mogey may still be a little ways off."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 21

Aside from Mogey and Smush themselves, there were really three people you needed to know aboard the R.M.S. Big Hoss. First was Captain Olive Mizzenmast, a stern man for whom sailing was literally in his blood (a cannon wound to his shoulder had once spilled several feet of canvas onto the foredeck). Second was Chip the Munk, a boatswain whose real name was Gregory, but who went by Chip to clarify to all that he was not the "friar" sort of monk. And last was Shish K. Bob, the ship's cook whose infectious laugh could be heard throughout the Big Hoss several times each hour. 

Generally Mogey and Smush attempted to keep a low profile aboard the Big Hoss. One could not call them inept, but one could certainly not call them ept either. Such a stickler was Captain Olive Mizzenmast that they knew if they acquired any sort of reputation at all, they would eventually find themselves walking the plank. But one evening in the messdeck, Mogey simply could not help himself.

"Bob!" shouted the captain. "Have we any more stargazy pie?"

"What's the matter, Cap'n?" said Mogey. "Did you finish--"

"Consider your next words carefully, sailor," Mizzenmast interrupted. "Is it worth the risk?"

"...Olive it?" Mogey concluded. 

Shish K. Bob immediately burst into his vastly contagious peals of laughter, slapping his meaty portuguese thighs hysterically. Mizzenmast knew he needed to do something or risk becoming a laughing stock among his men.

"That's it!" the Captain exclaimed. "Boatswain Munk: Ready the plank!"

But it was too late. Chip the Munk was already laughing so hard that the stargazy pie he'd stored in his furry cheeks came shooting out his nose. And Mogey? Mogey was borne abovedecks upon the shoulders of his compatriots: for that one night, a hero to all who sailed aboard the R.M.S. Big Hoss.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 20

 "Who is it we're meeting, again?" Smush inquired.

"They call him the Chameleon," Mogey replied. "He can vanish into any crowd - that's why he wanted to meet here under the Arc du Frites. But he's got the best black market jerky in the district."

"The chameleon, huh? So how do we find him?"

"Oh, we don't find him. He finds us. He's more elusive than one of those eyebrow hairs you keep catching a glimpse of. Harder to spot than a black jelly bean on a moonless night. Sneakier than--"

"Is he that guy with the green lizard scales tattooed all over his face?" Smush interrupted, striding toward the most distinctive-looking person in the busy city square. "Chameleon?" he asked the man. 

"Sup," said the Chameleon, licking his own eye with a peculiarly-long tongue. "You the boys who were looking to buy some jerky?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 19

 "It's time I set about achieving my dearest ambition," announced Mogey.

"Jumping into a ball pit full of mozzarella sticks?" Smush said with a sigh. "Alright, I'll call Ragazzo Grasso and put an order in--"

"No, not jumping into a ball pit full of mozzarella sticks," Mogey interrupted.

"Jumping into a ball pit full of rice pudding? Alright, I'll call Old Tyme Country Diner and put an order in--"

"Enough with the ball pits! You know very well that my dearest ambition is to be the cause of a ticker-tape parade."

"What even is ticker-tape?" Smush inquired.

"I don't know," Mogey replied, jamming a pair of sunglasses onto his face so hard they boinked his nose, "but I'm about to find out."

Three hours later, Smush noticed the porcelain porcupine figurine on his desk trembling slightly. In a few more moments, the whole house began to shake. Smush heard a rumble outside that could only be the thundering of hooves. He looked through the window to see three elephants, a band of jackals, seven antelope, and a camel who appeared to be reluctantly "going with the flow," galloping down the street. 

Mogey burst through the door, covered in sweat and hay, trailing a strong odor of exotic manure. "Do you think it'll be enough?" he asked breathlessly. "Forty-seven animals by my count - all now embracing the sweet scent of freedom. Surely that's sufficient to earn me a ticker-tape parade?"

"Oh no, Mogey," Smush said. "You didn't..."

Before Smush could admonish his pal further, a sturdy fist knocked at the door. Smush opened the portal to reveal a man clad entirely in khaki - including a splendid pair of khaki earrings - save for his pith helmet. He gasped. 

"Are you Brent Strongbody, the world's greatest investigator of zoos and zoo-related crimes?"

"The same," said Brent Strongbody. "And I'm afraid to say you're under arrest for the theft of..." here Strongbody removed a notebook from one of his many pockets and flipped it open, "forty-nine animals from the West Bingle Zoo." 

"Nice!" shouted Mogey. "I thought I might've missed a couple!"

And that is how, several weeks thereafter, Mogey and Smush found themselves being paraded through the streets inside a wrought-iron cage as crowds of adoring fans cheered on the legendary Brent Strongbody for bringing another pair of miscreants to justice. 

"Happy now?" Smush asked miserably from the floor of the cage.

Mogey's only response was to snatch two more pieces of ticker-tape through the bars of the cage and rub them over his face and shoulders. "Ticker-tape..." he mumbled dreamily. "At last...."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 18

 The Six Year Snail War exhausted both sides in the end. The homestead co-owned by Mogey and Smush had seen multiple outhouse burnings, a thick layer of slime on virtually every surface, and unprecedented damage to the tomatoes. The other belligerent, a barcalounger-sized snail named Curd Gherkin, endured a battle-scarred shell and now wore an eyepatch at all times.

And so it came to pass that Mogey, Smush, and Curd Gherkin stood on the northwest corner of the homestead, prepared to call a truce. Serving as a neutral arbiter was Bjoink Version 5, a homemade robot who often mediated local disputes (though "made" by whom and in what "home," no one knew). 

"I think that eyepatch is just an affectation," Mogey whispered to Smush. "We never did anything to his eye." 

Smush nodded but didn't take his eyes off Curd Gherkin. "What'll it be, then?" he asked the snail.

"A pact?" Gherkin replied heavily. 

"Terms?" Smush inquired.

"Party One - Moogey and Smoosh," Bjoink Version 5 intoned mechanically, "agree to stay to the east of this point forevermore. Party Two - Cred Greckling - agrees to stay to the west. All parties agree to cease any of the following: Sliming, consuming each others' tomatoes, slingshotting hard candies at one another, eye-poking."

"We never poked his eye!" Mogey insisted. 

"Those terms are acceptable," Smush said. 

"Same here," Curd Gherkin agreed. "Let us seal the pact by locking eyes. It's a snail tradition." He leaned one of his long eyestalks toward Smush.

"Erm," Smush hesitated.

"Your arm will do," Gherkin said. He wrapped his eyestalk tightly around Smush's proffered arm, drawing him close. "Silly lad," the snail whispered. "I've only just begun to teach you the meaning of pain. There's no such thing as 'locking eyes.' The truce is off!"

With that, Curd Gherkin spun, slapping Smush in the chest with his rubbery tail. 

"Ugh!" Mogey shrieked. "He slimed you!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha," said Bjoink Version 5. "A classic Cred Greckling double cross."