The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 9

 Mogey and Smush were strict adherents to a scientific method. It was not THE scientific method, of course (neither Mogey nor Smush had the patience for random control trials, formulating hypotheses, or even taking marginally good notes), but it was a method in the sense that it was a way of doing something, and it was scientific in the sense that they often wore lab coats.

On a day so steamy that medical professionals were advising the elderly and infirmed to step into the sauna to cool off, Mogey and Smush's scientific method was put to the test with a revolutionary experiment.

"Do you have the device?" Smush asked, wiping sweat from his brow with a broadsheet newspaper.

"I do," Mogey replied solemnly. He held up a wooden spinning top and readjusted the sodden handkerchief around his neck.

"And is the rotator prepared?"

"Indeed," Mogey confirmed, gripping the handle of the merry-go-round.

"Let the experiment commence!" Smush announced. He shook out the front of his shirt to circulate some air to his stifled tummyparts.

Carefully, Mogey set the top spinning in the center of the carousel, then gave the circular platform a hard shove in the opposite direction. The pals watched as the two concentric contraptions revolved in the oppressive humidity.

"Report on your key observations," Smush ordered once the top and merry-go-round had both stopped spinning.

"I now have a craving for rotisserie chicken," Mogey replied with utter sincerity. "Cold rotisserie chicken. And perhaps a hand-spun milkshake?"

"I concur. Scientific method concluded. Boston Market here we come!"

"What is it about the scientific method that makes every experiment conclude at Boston Market?"

"That, Mogey," Smush said, clapping his pal damply on the back, "is a question that the scientists who come after us - indeed, the scientists who stand upon our shoulders - will need to answer. The important thing is that we've lit the fires of curiosity for future generations. AND we've lit the fires of the rotisserie chicken experts: Boston Market."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 8

 "By King Midas's freshly trimmed moustache!" Smush exclaimed. "Is it just me, or has your nose gotten bigger?"

"Thank you for noticing," Mogey replied, blushing ever so slightly. "I've been breathing only through my mouth for the last six months, and I think it's really paying off. My smeller has swollen up enough that I think I could really be in the running for Snout of the Season this year."

"Frontier Teen's most frivolous and prestigious accolade? Have you forgotten about Mergle the Schnozz?"

"Of course not," Mogey replied mournfully. "His beak has been named Snout of the Season for eight years running. But don't you think I have a chance?"

"Ordinarily I'd say yes," Smush rejoined, "but rumor has it Mergle has a brand new wart on his nozzle. It's even more bulbous than it was the first half of his legendary career. The man's got an eggplant between his eyes."

Mogey threw himself to the ground, howling like an old-timey business tycoon when not one candidate named Chauncey showed up for his chauffeur job interviews.

"Of course..." said Smush.

"Yes?" Mogey inquired, picking his face off the ground and a Swedish fish out of his hair. The tone Smush had used could mean one thing and one thing only: he was contemplating some devilment.

"Well, we could always... shall we say... tip the scales in your favor."

"How?" 

"I know a certain hornet named Bumble Babineaux," Smush explained. "He's always looking to help a friend out of a jam but also he actively enjoys stinging people. A couple of quick jabs to the honker and your nose'll be twice the size of Mergle the Schnozz's. You're happy, Bumble Babineaux is happy, bada bing, bada beeson, you're Snout of the Season."

"Is he the one I always see buzzing around anytime we try to have a picnic or enjoy a glass of crystal light on the porch?" Mogey asked. "He's always seemed more menacing than helpful. And wouldn't this be cheating?"

"Trust me," Smush assured him. "Bumble Babineaux is very discreet."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 7

 Everyone knows about the glory of an epic quest: The adventure, the excitement, the dragons to be conquered and the conchs to be draggin' (through a ramekin of Grizztopher Grizzle's Bearly Bearable Hot'n'Sassy Cocktail Sauce). But there is another side of every quest. The side only questers themselves will ever truly understand. The side of blistered feet and B.O., beans for breakfast and burnt beef jerky.

Thus it was for Mogey and Smush, who hauled themselves into the castle town of Highmutton more dead than alive.

"I can't do it," Smush cried, falling to the street in a dust cloud of his own making. "You'll have to go on without me."

"Ok," said Mogey, stumbling forward.

"No, wait!" Smush exclaimed. "What kind of a quester are you? Do you want your great grandchildren to sing songs of how you abandoned your best pal in his darkest hour?"

"I don't care what songs they sing. If I don't get to that candy, I'm going to expire on the spot!"

For Mogey and Smush's questination was that famed candy shop known as Sugar Kane's, where the Bubble Tape was seven feet long and "fun size" meant the same thing as "king size" (which was really "party size").

"Please, Mogey," Smush begged, holding out a bean-slicked hand.

"You're right," Mogey said, turning back. "Either we get to Sugar Kane's together, or we don't get there at all. And let me tell you something that's surer than a dad saying 'boing' the first time he jumps on a trampoline: We will reach that candy shop."

Mogey kept his promise, and that night the pals slept under the stars, with chocolate in their mouths, marshmallows for pillows, and blankets fashioned from the crinkliest candy wrappers. It was a terrible night's sleep. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 6

 In their younger days, Mogey and Smush moved to The Big City to seek their fortunes. It was a far cry from growing up on the same row of sod houses in the village of Burping Fens to becoming roommates in a ramshackle tenement run by Gretchen "Big Mama" Ponk.

"What do you think you're doing?" Smush inquired as Mogey began to set up a small army cot in their meager chambers.

"Getting ready to catch 40 winks, you old bean," Mogey replied.

"Surely you jest. I require the comfortable bed tonight."

"No no no," Mogey tsked. "Tonight is my night on the cot. I took the lazy susan last night, and - might I add - you saw fit to wake me at half past two in the morning!"

"I was hankering for some raisin bran!" said Smush. "You know how it is when you have a raisin bran hankering."

"You get a raisin bran hankering at least once per night! Yet every time I suggest finding another place to keep our bran-based cereals, you insist on returning them to the lazy susan."

"Be that as it may, you know I've got a job interview with the fishmonger's guild tomorrow. How can I seek my fortune without a good night's sleep?"

"You and your bran can get a good night's sleep in the lazy susan," Mogey insisted. "We've got bigger problems. Big Mama Ponk told me the building has... gulp... pipe serpents."

"Ugh!" said Smush. "No way. We would've seen them. Oy! Hissy. Hissy!"

A green-brown snake - the titular Gustav "Hissy" Fitz - poked his head out of the kitchen sink. 

"Yes, cap'n?" said Fitz.

"You haven't seen any serpents in your travels around the pipes, have you?"

"Uhhhhh," said Hissy Fitz, somewhat disbelievingly, "no?"

"There you have it," Smush stated. "Big Mama is just looking to tack more expenses onto our rent. Last month it was that absurd construction of 'fire escapes,' this month it'll be pipe serpent removal. Keep an eye out for any serpentine activity though, will you, Hissy?"

"Aye aye," said Hissy Fitz, delivering a perfect hand-to-head salute with his tail before vanishing down the drainpipe.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 5

 "Are you sure you've got the list?" asked Smush as his pal pulled on waterproof overtrousers and a pair of wellington boots. 

"Yes, yes, I've got the list," Mogey muttered.

"Don't be so glib!" Smush chastised. "Last time you went to market in the rain, you were supposed to procure all the ingredients for duck a l'orange and instead you came back with two packets of duck sauce, a tangelo, and a live pheasant."

"And what a pleasant addition Twizzles Ramirez has made to our lives!" Mogey retorted, reaching over Smush's shoulder to the pheasant's perch to give the bird a fist bump.

"Be that as it may, I would like to see the list."

"You can't be serious..."

"Produce the list, sir!"

"Alright," Mogey conceded, retrieving a crumpled roll of parchment from his breast pocket. "Potatoes, bacon, pickles, sugar, tea, thick-cut bacon, mustard, butter, pork roll, flour, onions, salt pork, and ground beef. I don't know how you eat that stuff, by the way."

"Thank you," said Smush. "Wait, what?"

"Ground beef," Mogey explained, "I know it's cheaper, but you really eat the beef they dropped on the ground? What price do you put on your dignity, my good fellow?"