The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: Quarantine Episode 37

 The final day of the Mr. Big-and-Tall Weemsburgh pageant had arrived, and Smush was a heavy (pun very much intended and in fact required by law) favorite. 

"All you've got to do is crush the interview segment and you're home free!" Mogey exclaimed, rubbing his pal's shoulders like a boxing coach as they strode toward the stage. 

"What if they ask me a question I know nothing about?" Smush asked nervously.

"Just say 'bacon.'" 

"Bacon?"

"Bacon," Mogey confirmed. "Bacon is the answer to everything in Mr. Big-and-Tall Weemsburgh interviews."

Smush took a deep breath and walked out into the bright lights and rarefied air of the Mr. Big-and-Tall Weemsburgh stage with the confidence of a hen who just laid a triple-yolker.

"Mr. Smush," said the head judge, ponderously, "if you could dine with one previous winner of this illustrious competition, across any era, who would it be?" 

Smush hesitated, but then his eyes met with Mogey's out in the crowd.

"Bacon," Smush answered. 

The judges conferred for a moment before the head judge followed up. "An intriguing answer," he said. "Do you mean Bacon Rutherford, the '47 champion, or Billy 'Bacon' Bowkon who won in '63?"

"Bacon," Smush repeated.

"Ah!" the judges gasped. Once again, the head judge spoke for them all. "Bacon Bacon, the enigmatic bipedal pig who left his farmyard life behind for a chance at Mr. Big-and-Tall glory, and became the competition's only swine champion in the process. What an answer!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: Quarantine Episode 36

 "I'm ready!" Mogey announced, waltzing through the shop door and removing his sunglasses so swiftly that they flew out of his hand and shattered against the face of a steely-cheeked salesman. But not even the loss of his spectacles could dampen Mogey's spirit. "I've got cash to burn, I'm looking fine as heck, and my toesies need a new pair of duds."

"What'll it be, sir?" asked Jolly B'gong, the shoe store's proprietor.

"Wingtips," Mogey replied. "I've finally saved up enough for my first pair of wingtips."

Jolly B'gong carefully measured Mogey's feet (wearing an industrial clothespin on his nose, for safety) and selected a pair of brown leather shoes that fit better than a pudding raincoat. 

"What do you think?" asked B'gong.

"Perfect," Mogey replied. "Just one question: How do you deploy the wings?"

Several hours later, Mogey strode dejectedly into the house. Smush looked up from the anthology of prune whip recipes he was reading.

"Let me guess," he said, "the wing tips didn't turn out to have wings?"

"Worse," Mogey answered. "They were chicken wings."

"So you couldn't fly?"

"I couldn't fly. And I ate them."

"You... what?" Smush asked.

"They were delicious," said Mogey.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: Quarantine Episode 35

 There was a time when Mogey and Smush used to earn some extra dough by standing in police lineups. The pals loved it because they felt like they were doing their part to take a bite out of crime. The police loved it because the actual perpetrators would often give themselves up to the witness just to get away from the incessant and ominous tummy rumbling and lip smacking in the lineup. Also, they could pay Mogey and Smush in actual dough: The pals accepted both sour- and pizza- varieties and preferred it to cash.

The reason Mogey and Smush ceased participating in police line-ups was an incident that occurred one drizzly day. The witness, a bespectacled housekeeper with a tattoo of Hagar the Horrible below her left ear, passed by the first several members of the lineup quickly: A local ghoul who needed some extra cash, the station's parking attendant, who'd wandered into the lineup room accidentally, and a pool shark known as Teddy Chlorine. Finally she stopped in front of Smush.

"Him," the witness said, her pointed finger trembling.

"This is the man who stole your antique earthenware?" the officer inquired.

"No," said the witness, "he did something far worse than that. I've been searching for him more than a decade. He destroyed a collection far more valuable than some clay pots - he damaged my vintage pez dispensers!"

"Come now," said Smush, "so I ate some fruity candy. Did I really damage your pez dispensers?"

"Many of the poor dispensers had bites taken out of them! You bit the head off of my most valuable piece - the pink flamingo!"

"In my defense, I was on such a roll that I mistook the flamingo for a pink pez," Smush explained. "Surely you can't fault a very, very hungry someone from seeing some delicious pez in the window, sneaking in the backdoor, consuming said pez, and then accidentally eating up part of the dispenser along with it, can you?"

"You have the right to remain silent," the police officer began, advancing on Smush with a pair of handcuffs. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: Quarantine Episode 34

 In the city of Hammingham there stood a popular establishment known as Mom! I'm Board: Games 'n' More. And it was said that to be the best at Mom! I'm Board you had to beat the best at Mom! I'm Board. In the sport of checkers, that honor went unequivocally to Dastardly Philip, a blond goblin who had pioneered both the quadruple jump and wraparound sunglasses.

Mogey and Smush stepped out of the coach they'd hired to bring them to Mom! I'm Board, partially because the muddy streets of Hammingham made walking across the city nearly impossible, and partially because they wanted privacy for their pregame meal of quesalupas and cheesy bites pizza. 

Tonight was the night. Tonight they would take on Dastardly Philip once and for all. They'd worn checkered shirts. They'd even spent the last month assembling checkered pasts by committing small crimes and consorting with several nefarious characters in the meat and dairy black market. The pals strode into the games parlour and sat down opposite Dastardly Philip. 

"Hello, Phil," Smush said confidently. 

"Smush," Dastardly Philip acknowledged with a nod. He tucked a lank blond coif behind his ear. "Mogey. Let's checker." 

Mogey and Smush each placed a finger upon one of the red pieces. Together they pushed it forward one square, and in unison intoned, "king me."

Dastardly Philip let out a squeal like a guidance counselor who just saw hunky TV weatherman Beau Vapor in the frozen foods aisle. He cracked his knuckles and turned to one of his cronies, a bubble hockey specialist named Lance.

"Get the press release ready," Dastardly Philip announced. "I think tonight is the night I finally execute a quintuple jump."