The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 30

 Mogey and Smush huddled around the shining copper kettle anxiously, for it was well into the hot cocoa hour, and they'd yet to consume any hot cocoa. 

"Come onnnnn," Mogey urged the kettle. 

"Haven't you ever heard the old saying 'a watched pot never boils?'" Smush asked wisely.

"'Course," Mogey replied, "but I believe I've proven time and again that adage doesn't apply to me. No, for ol' Mogey, part of the fun of making hot cocoa is outfoxing this wily cauldron." 

"Why do I put myself in these situations?" Smush groaned. 

Mogey, ignoring his pal, said "what'll it be today then, kettle, old chum? I tried begging to no avail. Is it a bit of firmer encouragement you need? Boil that water now, or I'LL MELT YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU INTO A TOILET FLAPPER CHAIN!"

The kettle stood motionless. It certainly did not boil. Smush put his head in his hands.

"No luck with threats, eh?" Mogey muttered. "What about striking a deal? Tell you what: boil now, and you'll get a double dose of copper polish this evening, plus once a month we'll get our hot cocoa from Zaxby's and give you a day off."

And whether enough time had simply passed for the water to hit its boiling point or the kettle found the promise of 12 vacation days per year too tempting to pass up, it immediately began to whistle. Smush looked like a convicted lotion thief whose appeal has just been denied, but who has also learned that there's a new hot cocoa machine in the prison commissary. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 29

 "Who's ready for dessert?" asked Auntie Bickle.

"Oh I couldn't possibly," said Pepper Fernandez, the first of three very polite triplets Mogey had invited for dinner aboard his favorite aunt's houseboat. 

"I'm far too full from that succulent meal," said Popper Fernandez, the second triplet.

"Perhaps just a cup of coffee?" said Bully the Frog, the third Fernandez triplet.

"WE ARE!" chorused Mogey and Smush hungrily.

"Please tell me dessert is what I think it is," Mogey added, looking hopefully to his Aunt.

"Of course, dearie," Auntie Bickle confirmed, reappearing with a steaming pan. "My world-famous monkey bread!"

Predictably, Mogey and all three Fernandez triplets immediately tucked in with gusto. Smush, however, hesitated. 

"Not hungry, dearie?" Auntie Bickle inquired.

"Starved," Smush replied. "But I'm not so sure about monkey bread. Is it actually made from monkeys?"

"Oh ho ho ho," Mogey chortled, slapping his friend on the back. "Don't be silly, Smush. You've got it all wrong! The bits of real monkey are the very thing that make monkey bread so delectable."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 28

When the day came for Smush to unveil his grand machine, the only ones present (or so he thought) were Mogey, a half dozen nesting hens, and their next door neighbor, a rock creature named Stone Baloney. 

Mogey privately believed the reason for such a modest ceremony was Smush's apprehension that the machine would fail. On the other hand, his pal wore a cape - and an ostentatious cape at that - to the occasion and spoke boldly to the onlookers:

"Behold!" Smush thundered. "For I have accomplished what all the so-called 'ancient masters' could not. I give you... the Perpetual Train!"

Smush whipped a cloth away to reveal a vehicle nearly as jumbled as Cap'n Flunk's Hodgepodge Van (a well-known local curiosity). It was a trolley car with a crane mounted on the roof. Smush leapt into the vehicle to demonstrate how the crane's grabber arm could reach behind the trolley, seize a section of train track, then rotate around to place the track just ahead of its front wheels. The trolley then rolled forward onto the new track, and did the whole procedure over again. Thus the Perpetual Train could move continuously, using only a few short sections of train track.

The crowd went wild. And by "wild," I mean that Mogey and Stone Baloney applauded while the nesting hens ruffled their feathers and bugaw-ed. 

Suddenly, however, the festivities were silenced by a clanging noise beneath the trolley. This was followed by a muffled "help! Help!"

"The Perpetual Train's first stowaway!" Smush cried. He threw wide a trapdoor in the trolley's floor. Crammed into the compartment beneath was a beefy man wearing a purple top hat. "Cap'n Flunk?" Smush exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" 

"Indeed it is I," said Flunk with a flourish of his top hat (if it is possible to flourish in a compartment beneath the floor of a train). "And I'm quite embarrassed to admit that I got stuck snooping. I felt my Hodgepodge Van might be threatened by the promise of your great machine, you see."

"You were trying to sabotage the Perpetual Train?" Mogey demanded.

"No, no, no, of course not," insisted Cap'n Flunk. "This was merely a reconnaissance mission!"

"Well who let you into the train?" Smush inquired.

"Him," Cap'n Flunk said, pointing to Stone Baloney. 

Mogey and Smush both stared at their neighbor in frustrated disbelief, hands on their hips. Stone Baloney, for his part, did his best to look innocent by averting his eyes and chomping into drumstick-shaped hunk of quartz.  

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 27

 As Smush waited for the barista to prepare his favorite beverage - a quadruple mocha latte, hold the espresso - he heard an urgent whisper from behind a nearby tapestry.

"Psst, Smush! Over here! It's me, Mogey."

"No introduction needed, my friend," Smush replied, ducking behind the drapery to join his pal. "You're quite literally the only person I know in this town who would hide behind a coffee shop tapestry. Although I must say: It smells fabulous back here."

"That's my quadruple mocha latte, hold the espresso," said Mogey. "Care for a sip?"

"I'm already waiting on one, thank you. Anyway, what's got you acting so clandestine?"

"My crush is over there," Mogey admitted, pointing toward the oatmeal bar. Smush gazed in the direction his pal indicated, and a glimmer of understanding illuminated his face.

"How many times must I tell you that the Sun-Maid Raisins girl is not real?" Smush said gently.

"BEHIND the raisin box, ye roustabout!"

"Is that Luciana Blunderbuss? Heiress to the Gardetto Snack Mix fortune?"

"And the greatest thumb-wrestler in three counties," Mogey confirmed with a lovesick sigh. "You know what?" Mogey continued, profoundly unprompted, "you're right. I should just go talk to her!"

"No, Mogey, she's--" Smush began, but his pal was already gone. "...famously both hard of hearing and ill-tempered. Godspeed, comrade." 

What Mogey said, only the other patrons of the oatmeal bar will ever know, but Luciana Blunderbuss's response was to slap him across the face, give him an enormous smooch on the cheek, and engage him in an impromptu thumb-wrestling match that pushed Mogey to the very limits of his fortitude. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 26

Of all Smush's prized possessions, the most prized of all was his '32 Duckbert Crawler. The automobile possessed four on the floor, a baby blue exterior, and no fewer than 13 cupholders. 

One afternoon, Mogey stopped by to find Smush standing in his garage, admiring the Duckbert Crawler as usual.

"I thought you might be in here," said Mogey.

"Indeed?" Smush replied.

"Indeed. Though I don't know how you can just stand around looking at a car--"

"Not just any car. A '32 Duckbert--"

"...Crawler. I know, I know," Mogey muttered. "Anyhow, I brought you one of those milkshakes you like. You know, where I get the shop to replace the milk in your milkshake with... a second milkshake? Here it--WHOOPS!" 

Upon that exclamation, Mogey spilled a hearty cascade of milkshakeshake across the hood of the '32 Duckbert Crawler. To his credit, Smush did not panic. He immediately elbowed Mogey out of the way, took a long draught of what little milkshakeshake remained in the cup, and - in one fluid motion - began to spray the '32 Duckbert Crawler down with a hose. 

"My sincerest apologies," Mogey stammered. "Allow me to assist. Have you got a diaper or something that I can use to dry her off?"

"Please!" Smush scoffed. "A diaper is far too rough for the delicate paint job of a '32 Duckbert Crawler."

"What then? A ShamWow?" 

"I'd sooner see my Gram Gram's spectacles stolen than see a ShamWow touch this vehicle. No, this is a job reserved for a true specialist. Are you ready, GF?"

Smush's chinchilla, Gargoyle Fluffington, saluted solemnly from his cage and fluffed his fur. He knew his proudest moment was nigh. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 25

"Check it out," Smush announced as he strutted into the milkhouse.

Mogey glanced up from his milking. "What?" he asked.

"Notice anything different about me?"

"New boots?" Mogey suggested.

"You think these ancient wellies that are literally caked in manure are... new boots?" Smush inquired. Mogey nodded eagerly. "Incorrect," Smush said with a sigh. "It's my hair - it finally grew long enough for me to put it in a man-bun!" 

"Congratulations," Mogey said, sniffing the air. "Raisin?"

"How many times must I tell you that man-buns have nothing to do with food?"

"Be that as it may," Mogey replied, smelling more vigorously, "I detect the distinct fragrance of raisin buns. Don't tell me you went to the bunnerie without me?"

"No!" Smush answered, hurriedly wiping his mouth as he searched for a change of subject. "Say, is that a rat you're milking?"

"You bet," Mogey said brightly. "I've acquired a whole mischief of Old World Browns. You will not believe how good rat's milk yogurt tastes!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 24

 "Mogey," Smush queried, "is that gum you're chewing?"

"You know it," Mogey replied, pulling his sunglasses down in a way that was effortlessly cool, and then popping a gum bubble all over them in a way that was so uncool that it actually appeared to require forethought. 

"Betcha I can guess the flavour."

"Did you just put a 'u' in flavor?" Mogey said as he pickled gum off his lenses. "What a snob. Very well, then - propose some terms for this wager."

"Alright," Smush answered. "If I guess the flavour of your chewing gum in my first three tries, you have to help me sneak your granddad's prize racehorse out of the barn and give me a boost to climb on his back."

"What in the world do you want to ride Hercule for?"

"I've always fancied myself a jockey. This is my chance to find out what could've been! But don't worry, I've got a great prize for you too. If I'm unsuccessful, you get to wear... the vest."

"That leather one with the sea leopards on the lapels?" Mogey exclaimed. "That thing is so rad. You're on!"

"Guess number one," Smush declared. "Licorice."

"No sir," said Mogey, snapping another big bubble.

"Guess number two: Bubblegum."

"Incorrect."

Now Smush appeared nervous. He could see his chances of riding Hercule the race horse slipping away through his fingers. "Tangerine?" he guessed. 

"Not even close!" Mogey replied as he clenched his fist victoriously. "No, this here is a mixture of spruce gum and Bubblicious grape."

"That's not fair!" Smush asserted. "You knew very well I'd never be able to guess that!"

"If you have a gambling problem, I suggest you take it up with 1-800-GAMBLER," Mogey said. "But I will be expecting that vest."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 23

 Mogey and Smush had heard legends of a sport known as whitewater rafting. While they weren't familiar with the concept of rapids (or rafts, for that matter), they knew this newfangled form of recreation was thrilling, and so when a rafting outfit opened two towns over, the pals hitched up Mogey's old donkey, Mr. Prune, and hopped into the wagon. 

When they reached RaftBros Unlimited, Mogey and Smush were greeted by an enthusiastically laid-back guide named Bug Muggins. Before they knew it, Bug had ushered the pals into a pair of wetsuits and aboard an inflatable raft. 

"Alright, chieftains," said Muggins as he dipped an oar in the water, "our first intense section is coming up just ahead: it's a steep set of riffles called The Monkey's Abs."

"Sounds pleasant en-- WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?" hollered Smush.

"That'll be The Monkey's Abs. Ain't she a beaut?" Bug Muggins answered.

"WHY IS THE WATER ALL... ANGRY AND WHITE?" Mogey cried fearfully.

"Chill out, pig snout," Bug Muggins said calmly. "It's whitewater rafting, remember?"

"You meant that..." Smush began. "LITERALLY?" he and Mogey exclaimed in unison. 

"Right on!" said Bug Muggins joyfully. 

Mogey and Smush exchanged looks of disbelief before they both leapt from the raft, swam to shore, and didn't stop until they - and Mr. Prune - were safely ensconced in an AstroBurger outpost, taking in refreshment to recover from the harrowing ordeal.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 22

"We've done it! We've finally done it!" Mogey exclaimed, holding aloft a sealed scroll as he entered the gymnasium where Smush was performing calisthenics. "The Empress has agreed to grant us noble titles!"

"Why?" Smush inquired as he hefted a round dumbbell.

"Surely you recall our daring rescue of Duchess Agatha?" 

"That lady who fell into the swimming hole down at Merle's Quarry? We just cleared her out because she was in the way of the double jackknife supreme we were about to blow everyones' minds with. Didn't we?"

"Mostly," Mogey admitted. "But that's not how the Empress sees it. What title will you choose? Me, I'm quite partial to the sounds of Viscount Mogey."

"Grand Duke, of course," said Smush. "What else?"

"Good one! But I can't have you outrank me, can I? Perhaps I'll be Great Grand Duke Mogey."

"Well then I'll be Great Great Grand Duke Smush."

"P'shaw!" Mogey grumbled.

"P'shaw yourself!" Smush rejoined. "Say, what are these books? The Little Prince?"

"Dunno," said Mogey, "that's the same box the scroll came in.... uh oh." His face fell as he reread the letter more carefully. "I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. The Empress writes: You have my thanks for 'rescuing' Duchess Agatha, the two time Olympic bronze medalist in the 200 meter freestyle. Please enjoy reading these noble titles and stay the heck away from Merle's Quarry. I don't get it - why did she put quotation marks around 'rescuing?'"

"Sadly, my friend," Smush said as he put an arm around his pal, "I think the lordship of Viscount Mogey may still be a little ways off."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 21

Aside from Mogey and Smush themselves, there were really three people you needed to know aboard the R.M.S. Big Hoss. First was Captain Olive Mizzenmast, a stern man for whom sailing was literally in his blood (a cannon wound to his shoulder had once spilled several feet of canvas onto the foredeck). Second was Chip the Munk, a boatswain whose real name was Gregory, but who went by Chip to clarify to all that he was not the "friar" sort of monk. And last was Shish K. Bob, the ship's cook whose infectious laugh could be heard throughout the Big Hoss several times each hour. 

Generally Mogey and Smush attempted to keep a low profile aboard the Big Hoss. One could not call them inept, but one could certainly not call them ept either. Such a stickler was Captain Olive Mizzenmast that they knew if they acquired any sort of reputation at all, they would eventually find themselves walking the plank. But one evening in the messdeck, Mogey simply could not help himself.

"Bob!" shouted the captain. "Have we any more stargazy pie?"

"What's the matter, Cap'n?" said Mogey. "Did you finish--"

"Consider your next words carefully, sailor," Mizzenmast interrupted. "Is it worth the risk?"

"...Olive it?" Mogey concluded. 

Shish K. Bob immediately burst into his vastly contagious peals of laughter, slapping his meaty portuguese thighs hysterically. Mizzenmast knew he needed to do something or risk becoming a laughing stock among his men.

"That's it!" the Captain exclaimed. "Boatswain Munk: Ready the plank!"

But it was too late. Chip the Munk was already laughing so hard that the stargazy pie he'd stored in his furry cheeks came shooting out his nose. And Mogey? Mogey was borne abovedecks upon the shoulders of his compatriots: for that one night, a hero to all who sailed aboard the R.M.S. Big Hoss.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 20

 "Who is it we're meeting, again?" Smush inquired.

"They call him the Chameleon," Mogey replied. "He can vanish into any crowd - that's why he wanted to meet here under the Arc du Frites. But he's got the best black market jerky in the district."

"The chameleon, huh? So how do we find him?"

"Oh, we don't find him. He finds us. He's more elusive than one of those eyebrow hairs you keep catching a glimpse of. Harder to spot than a black jelly bean on a moonless night. Sneakier than--"

"Is he that guy with the green lizard scales tattooed all over his face?" Smush interrupted, striding toward the most distinctive-looking person in the busy city square. "Chameleon?" he asked the man. 

"Sup," said the Chameleon, licking his own eye with a peculiarly-long tongue. "You the boys who were looking to buy some jerky?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 19

 "It's time I set about achieving my dearest ambition," announced Mogey.

"Jumping into a ball pit full of mozzarella sticks?" Smush said with a sigh. "Alright, I'll call Ragazzo Grasso and put an order in--"

"No, not jumping into a ball pit full of mozzarella sticks," Mogey interrupted.

"Jumping into a ball pit full of rice pudding? Alright, I'll call Old Tyme Country Diner and put an order in--"

"Enough with the ball pits! You know very well that my dearest ambition is to be the cause of a ticker-tape parade."

"What even is ticker-tape?" Smush inquired.

"I don't know," Mogey replied, jamming a pair of sunglasses onto his face so hard they boinked his nose, "but I'm about to find out."

Three hours later, Smush noticed the porcelain porcupine figurine on his desk trembling slightly. In a few more moments, the whole house began to shake. Smush heard a rumble outside that could only be the thundering of hooves. He looked through the window to see three elephants, a band of jackals, seven antelope, and a camel who appeared to be reluctantly "going with the flow," galloping down the street. 

Mogey burst through the door, covered in sweat and hay, trailing a strong odor of exotic manure. "Do you think it'll be enough?" he asked breathlessly. "Forty-seven animals by my count - all now embracing the sweet scent of freedom. Surely that's sufficient to earn me a ticker-tape parade?"

"Oh no, Mogey," Smush said. "You didn't..."

Before Smush could admonish his pal further, a sturdy fist knocked at the door. Smush opened the portal to reveal a man clad entirely in khaki - including a splendid pair of khaki earrings - save for his pith helmet. He gasped. 

"Are you Brent Strongbody, the world's greatest investigator of zoos and zoo-related crimes?"

"The same," said Brent Strongbody. "And I'm afraid to say you're under arrest for the theft of..." here Strongbody removed a notebook from one of his many pockets and flipped it open, "forty-nine animals from the West Bingle Zoo." 

"Nice!" shouted Mogey. "I thought I might've missed a couple!"

And that is how, several weeks thereafter, Mogey and Smush found themselves being paraded through the streets inside a wrought-iron cage as crowds of adoring fans cheered on the legendary Brent Strongbody for bringing another pair of miscreants to justice. 

"Happy now?" Smush asked miserably from the floor of the cage.

Mogey's only response was to snatch two more pieces of ticker-tape through the bars of the cage and rub them over his face and shoulders. "Ticker-tape..." he mumbled dreamily. "At last...."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 18

 The Six Year Snail War exhausted both sides in the end. The homestead co-owned by Mogey and Smush had seen multiple outhouse burnings, a thick layer of slime on virtually every surface, and unprecedented damage to the tomatoes. The other belligerent, a barcalounger-sized snail named Curd Gherkin, endured a battle-scarred shell and now wore an eyepatch at all times.

And so it came to pass that Mogey, Smush, and Curd Gherkin stood on the northwest corner of the homestead, prepared to call a truce. Serving as a neutral arbiter was Bjoink Version 5, a homemade robot who often mediated local disputes (though "made" by whom and in what "home," no one knew). 

"I think that eyepatch is just an affectation," Mogey whispered to Smush. "We never did anything to his eye." 

Smush nodded but didn't take his eyes off Curd Gherkin. "What'll it be, then?" he asked the snail.

"A pact?" Gherkin replied heavily. 

"Terms?" Smush inquired.

"Party One - Moogey and Smoosh," Bjoink Version 5 intoned mechanically, "agree to stay to the east of this point forevermore. Party Two - Cred Greckling - agrees to stay to the west. All parties agree to cease any of the following: Sliming, consuming each others' tomatoes, slingshotting hard candies at one another, eye-poking."

"We never poked his eye!" Mogey insisted. 

"Those terms are acceptable," Smush said. 

"Same here," Curd Gherkin agreed. "Let us seal the pact by locking eyes. It's a snail tradition." He leaned one of his long eyestalks toward Smush.

"Erm," Smush hesitated.

"Your arm will do," Gherkin said. He wrapped his eyestalk tightly around Smush's proffered arm, drawing him close. "Silly lad," the snail whispered. "I've only just begun to teach you the meaning of pain. There's no such thing as 'locking eyes.' The truce is off!"

With that, Curd Gherkin spun, slapping Smush in the chest with his rubbery tail. 

"Ugh!" Mogey shrieked. "He slimed you!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha," said Bjoink Version 5. "A classic Cred Greckling double cross."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 17

 Captain Mogey and Co-pilot Smush cruised through the skies in their biplane, scarves flapping in the wind, old-timey aviator's goggles atop their heads, open cans of corn upon their laps.

"Ah!" Smush announced. "Is anything more satisfying than the thrill of flying an aeroplane while munching these sweet sweet niblets?"

"It's true what they say," Mogey agreed, scarfing down an enormous mouthful. "This is nature's candy."

"I love corn as much as the next airman," said Smush. "Perhaps more. Perhaps more than anyone other than Cornelius 'Pone' Puddin, the corn baron and karaoke legend. But I'm fairly certain no one says that."

Before Mogey could respond, their little plane's engine coughed, sputtered, and died. The propeller slowed to a stop. They glided through the air in a stunned and eerie silence. 

"See if she'll restart, Mogey!" Smush urged his pal. "Turn the hand-crank!"

"I'm cranking as hard as I can! The poor gal's got nothing. This might be it, old boy."

"Need a lift, chums?" called a voice from above. 

Mogey and Smush looked skyward to see a mammoth ear of corn. It was an intricately-painted dirigible, and a man in bib overalls and a bright yellow shirt was leaning out the window of its cabin.

"Cornelius 'Pone' Puddin!" Mogey and Smush shouted in unison.

"As my mama used to say," Puddin hollered back, "'you're righter'n the hand I used to tomahawk-dunk that basketball in your face. And stop crying about it, will you?' Anyways, here's a rope."

Puddin unspooled an anchor line toward Mogey and Smush's biplane. The pals exchanged one glance, but they knew they had no choice but to abandon ship. Carefully, they began their ascent to the housing slung below Corn Pone's blimp. 

No sooner had he hauled them aboard than Puddin thrust microphones into Mogey's and Smush's hands. "I sure hope you boys know the Cher parts of I Got You Babe," he said as the opening chords started up. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 16

 As Mogey and Smush strode toward Eggs Eggs Eggs: Eggceptional Eggs That'll Make You Begg for their weekly supply of butter and cream, they passed a magician plying his trade in the village square. 

Smush smirked. He loved messing with magicians, and considered himself quite the sleight-of-hand illusionist in his own right. "Greetings," he greeted the would-be sorcerer as he shouldered his way to the front of the crowd.

"Greetings, my good fellows. Fergus Munks, at your service," said the magician, removing his top hat with one hand and fanning a deck of cards with the other. "Now if you'd be so kind: Pick a card, any card."

Smush's smirk increased. Card magic was one of his specialties, and he carried at least three decks with him at all times, including one that exactly matched the deck Fergus Munks was using. Smush selected a card, but surreptitiously swapped it for a gag card: the "Queen of Turnips."

"Show it to your fellow citizens, if you please," said Fergus.

Smush did so, giving the assemblage a knowing wink to let them know they were all in on his practical joke. 

"By golly, Smush," Mogey whispered, "you're entirely too much." 

"Now then," Fergus Munks continued, "what is the suit of your chosen card? Is it hearts? Clubs? Spades? Or perhaps... turnips?"

The crowd gasped. Smush gasped. Mogey burped, but tried to pass it off as a gasp. 

"And since you seem to enjoy turnips so much, I've done you a favor," Fergus stated. "Check the other decks in your pockets."

Smush removed one deck of cards after another: Every last card he carried was now in the suit of turnips. "Mogey, I'm frightened," he said.

Fergus put his arm around Smush, pulling even more turnip cards from Smush's shirtsleeves, his breast pocket, the lobster bib he was still wearing from lunch. "Think twice," the magician muttered under his breath, "before you try to mess with one Fergus Munks."

"Unhand me, you cad!" Smush shouted.

"Ah, but were my hands ever on you at all?" Fergus asked, loud enough for the crowd to hear this time. "Take a look!" 

Smush glanced at his left shoulder, but where he thought he'd felt Fergus's hand, a bag of fresh turnips now rested. Smush shrieked, whacked at the turnips like they were live spiders, and ran from village square.

Mogey leveled his finger at the magician. "Making Smush look a fool was one thing," he admonished, "but exposing him to so many vegetables? That crossed the line, sir."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 15

 "Well," said Mogey, "where shall we start?"

The pals stood before the fallen remains of Pop Lardo, the oldest and widest tree in the district. Pop had fallen prey to the pepperoni weevil, an invasive insect made all the more destructive by the fact that its bore-holes smelled like fresh-baked pizza (and thus people were reluctant to exterminate them). Now Mogey and Smush would be tasked with clearing the enormous quantity of felled timber from their property.

"Tell you what," Smush replied, "you take the left half and I'll take the right. I guarantee my half will be cut, chopped, and stacked before yours." 

"You're on!" Mogey shouted, hefting an axe and scampering to Pop Lardo's left, where the mighty tree's root system now extended eerily sideways, an alien spaghetti of wood hanging above a yawning hole of fresh earth. 

Mogey got to work immediately, his axe ringing out through the countryside as he hacked at Pop Lardo's carcass. He didn't stop, nor even look up, until the sun had touched the horizon and he'd sweat through (and removed) four separate shirts. Despite all that work, he'd scarcely made a dent: Mogey had removed one of Pop Lardo's larger roots, but only one. 

He walked around to the tree's other side to see how Smush was faring. As he saw his pal's progress, Mogey's jaw dropped. His trousers dropped. (To be fair, his trousers were weighed down by several gallons of sweat, and unlike shirts, he hadn't brought any backups.)

"How in the world have you done this?" Mogey demanded, hurriedly hauling his trousers back to their designated location. 

Smush sat in a plaid lawn chair, an icey, umbrella-bedecked drink in hand, paging through the latest issue of AARP: The Magazine. An entire half of Pop Lardo - dozens and dozens of cords of firewood - stood neatly stacked nearby.

"The weevils," Smush said with a cackle. "No one is better at dismantling lumber, and their chief owes me a favor." 

"I've got to hand it to you, Smushly. This time you've outdone-- wait, what favor?"

"Oh I gave him directions the other day. He and his friends were looking for... they were looking for a..."

"Yes?" Mogey queried.

"I believe their exact request," Smush stammered, "was 'A nice juicy tree. Ideally one so big that it has a name.'"

"Pop Lardo!" Mogey exclaimed. "Smush, you blunderbuss: you've betrayed us!"

"Nay!" Smush countered, though his face flushed scarlet with shame. Mogey and Smush's language always became more old-fashioned in times of turmoil. "It was I who was betrayed! By Boss Stromboli, the chief pepperoni weevil!" Smush pointed at a tiny six-legged insect in a hard hat, who stood atop one of the new firewood stacks. 

"And I'd do it again, too!" Boss Stromboli cackled in his impossibly high voice. He rubbed his thorax with satisfaction. "Your tree was most succulent. Most succulent indeed!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 14

Mogey and Smush stood together on the highest branch of the tallest tree on the most precarious cliff of the most whimsical mountain in all the Hoemonthaw Range. The wind rushed upward across the rock faces, blowing Mogey and Smush's hair back nearly past their jowls.

"Today," Smush announced, "we fly!"

"But how?" Mogey inquired.

"All our days we've lived earthbound, but dreamt of the skies. Today that all changes!"

"Oh we've dreamt alright. Dreamt galore. Oftentimes you'll stumble into my chambers in your nightclothes, muttering about how you dreamt of flying. And then I'll be like 'No way! I dreamt about flying too!' But again I ask: how?"

Smush reached a hand out into the void. "It's all about reading The Wind," he said dreamily, "and confidence."

"I am no aeronaut," Mogey replied, "but I'm quite certain that's not accurate."

"No, it is," called their guide, Mitch Floatley, from the hot air balloon that hovered nearby. The ballooner stared through a pair of leather aviation goggles and gave them an unmistakable "get on with it" gesture.

"It's time," Smush exclaimed, and he leapt from the limb.

"NO!" Mogey shouted as his pal plummeted earthward from their impossible height. "I can't believe it. He's gone!"

"Hmph," mumbled Mitch Floatley, looking vaguely disappointed.

Suddenly Smush reappeared, balancing awkwardly upon the back of a very put-out looking buzzard. 

"What'd I tell you!" Smush shouted gleefully. "It's all about reading The Wind. Meet Bertie 'The Wind' Buckley, the world's only boxing condor. He's a mediocre boxer, but his wingspan is upwards of 10 feet!" 

"Reading my flight pattern might've helped you land on my back," panted Buckley, "but it's because of your doggone confidence that I allow you to stay."

"That's right!" Smush agreed. "I believed in myself. And more importantly, I believed in you, The Wind."

Despite looking exhausted from the effort of carrying Smush, Bertie "The Wind" Buckley gave a very un-condor-like purr of delight.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 13

One afternoon, Mogey encountered Smush in the upstairs hallway just as his pal emerged from the lavatory, draped in towels and wearing a contented expression. 

"Ah!" said Smush. "There's nothing like a bath to start the day off right."

"It's 1:30!" Mogey exclaimed. "Isn't that a bit early for talk of baths and starting days?"

"I just feel so invigorated!"

"Oh, I hear you. The way Miguel scrubs your toesies leaves one feeling ready to take on the world."

Smush considered this statement for a long and silent moment. "Miguel?" he queried at last.

"Of course," Mogey said, noticing Smush's confusion. "Don't tell me you've never bothered to learn our bathtub sprite's name? That's a bad look, Smushmeister. He cleans your feet and you don't even honor his moniker?"

"Bathtub sprite?" Smush sputtered. "What in the world are you on about? We don't have any bathtub sprite. That tub cleans your feet automatically... doesn't it?"

Mogey glanced over Smush's shoulder and into the bathroom, where a tiny, silver-scaled man with webbed fingers was peeking over the side of the clawfoot tub. He looked sadder than a schoolboy who has just learned that the dark chocoate-covered peanut he popped into his mouth was in fact a black olive.

"I've never been so insulted in my LIFE!" shouted Miguel, and he dove down the tub drain with an almighty splash. 

"Now you've done it," Mogey said. "The only way Miguel is going to wash our toes now is if you buy him some rubies. Or some beans."

"Well, which one is it?" Smush asked. 

"I can't remember. I know bathtub sprites like one or the other."

"Goooo with rubiessssss," echoed Miguel's voice through the pipes. 

 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 12

 "I'd like to announce my new year's resolution," Mogey proclaimed.

"It's practically April!" Smush sputtered, cheesing raspberry gelatin all over his whiskers. 

Mogey pondered for a long moment. Then another. After a third moment had passed, he held a finger in the air and opened his mouth, then reconsidered and crossed his arms with a pensive frown. Finally, he spoke. "The delay is a perfect fit for my resolution, as a matter of fact. This year, I've decided to take things slow." 

"What?" Smush exclaimed, cheesing lime gelatin into the raspberry gelatin in his whiskers. "Surely you mean 'slower?'"

"Lampoon me all you want," Mogey said confidently, "but I've discovered an ideology that truly speaks to me. Meet my new guru, Stag Nantwater." 

Through the doorway plodded a bespectacled turtle, his shell adorned with an If you think this is slow, wait until I go uphill bumper sticker.

"Greetings," Smush said to the terrapin.

"What's the hurry, young fellow?" Stag Nantwater replied. 

"No hurry, my good reptile. Just being cordial. According to Mogey, you've got quite the life philosophy?"

"That's right," Mogey agreed. "Tell him, Stag!"

The turtle carefully considered this request. "What's the hurry, young fellow?" he said at last. 

Mogey and Smush exchanged glances. "Erm," Mogey mumbled. 

Stag Nantwater held up a knobbly flipper and extended a single claw toward Smush. "What's the hurry, young fellow?" he asked. 

"I'm going to get some orange gelatin," Smush replied. "Because the first time you say something other than 'what's the hurry, young fellow,' I'll be so surprised that I'll need a whole new flavor to cheese onto my whiskers."

"Excuse me!" Mogey declared. "Smush!"

"Yes?" Smush asked.

"Grab me one?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 11

"You know, Smush," Mogey said, throwing a Butterfinger Mini high into the air and catching it in his mouth with a satisfying crunch, "there's something I've always wanted to ask you."

"Shoot," replied Smush, pointing to his mouth in what was an unmistakable, universal gesture for "toss me one of them Butterfinger Minis." 

"Are you sure? It's a bit personal."

"Fire away," Smush confirmed. "I'm an olden book."

"You mean an open book?" 

"That too," Smush mumbled, still distracted by the fact that he'd yet to be lobbed a Butterfinger Mini.

"Alright," rejoined Mogey, "here it is. What is your favorite saint's feast day?"

"Feasht 'ay?" Smush inquired around the Butterfinger Mini Mogey had finally chucked his way.

"Exactly. Like St. Patrick's Day, or St. Valentine's Day, or the Feast of St. Hubert. You know, the classics!"

"Ah, I see," Smush replied. "Well that's an easy one: St. Smush's Day is my favorite feast."

"St. Smush's Day?" Mogey exclaimed. "I never heard of that."

"Well, it hasn't officially been invented yet. But there'll be a St. Smush's Day. You can bet your britches on that, buddy boy. And I've got big plans for it, too. St. Patrick's got shamrocks? St. Smush will have actual rocks. St. Valentine's Day has candy hearts? St. Smush's Day will have rock candy. Are you noticing a theme here?"

"Rocks?"

"Precisely!" said Smush. "Because St. Smush's Day..." Smush paused expectantly.

"Is fun for the whole family?" Mogey suggested.

"Close enough," Smush agreed, clapping his pal on the shoulder. "And I'll tell you something else: Bung me another of those Butterfinger Minis and we'll be well on our way to a St. Mogey's Day too."

 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 10

 "Nope, nothing quite classes up a gentleman's garb like a necktie," Mogey announced as he strutted into the drawing room, thumbs tucked beneath his suspenders.

"Ordinarily I'd agree," Smush replied, "but that is the most loathsome tie I've seen since Skunkles McGinty gave away free 'scratch 'n sniff' bow ties for his fish cannery booth at the career fair."

"My friend," Mogey said, clapping Smush on the shoulder and holding the tie up to the light, "this is a Charlotte Aubert."

"I wouldn't care if it was a Chocolate Eclair - you couldn't pay me to wear that tie."

"But... but... "

"I would rather wear a live eel tied about my neck. Speaking of which, I've been craving jellied eels. Fancy a trip to the pie house?"

"But I got a second tie just for you," Mogey murmured sadly, proffering a finely wrapped box. "A genuine Charlotte Aubert..."

"Oh thank heavens!" Smush exclaimed. "If I had to see you wearing that tie a few moments longer I would've simply expired from jealousy. Best of all, it'll go perfectly with my jellied eel jacket!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 9

 Mogey and Smush were strict adherents to a scientific method. It was not THE scientific method, of course (neither Mogey nor Smush had the patience for random control trials, formulating hypotheses, or even taking marginally good notes), but it was a method in the sense that it was a way of doing something, and it was scientific in the sense that they often wore lab coats.

On a day so steamy that medical professionals were advising the elderly and infirmed to step into the sauna to cool off, Mogey and Smush's scientific method was put to the test with a revolutionary experiment.

"Do you have the device?" Smush asked, wiping sweat from his brow with a broadsheet newspaper.

"I do," Mogey replied solemnly. He held up a wooden spinning top and readjusted the sodden handkerchief around his neck.

"And is the rotator prepared?"

"Indeed," Mogey confirmed, gripping the handle of the merry-go-round.

"Let the experiment commence!" Smush announced. He shook out the front of his shirt to circulate some air to his stifled tummyparts.

Carefully, Mogey set the top spinning in the center of the carousel, then gave the circular platform a hard shove in the opposite direction. The pals watched as the two concentric contraptions revolved in the oppressive humidity.

"Report on your key observations," Smush ordered once the top and merry-go-round had both stopped spinning.

"I now have a craving for rotisserie chicken," Mogey replied with utter sincerity. "Cold rotisserie chicken. And perhaps a hand-spun milkshake?"

"I concur. Scientific method concluded. Boston Market here we come!"

"What is it about the scientific method that makes every experiment conclude at Boston Market?"

"That, Mogey," Smush said, clapping his pal damply on the back, "is a question that the scientists who come after us - indeed, the scientists who stand upon our shoulders - will need to answer. The important thing is that we've lit the fires of curiosity for future generations. AND we've lit the fires of the rotisserie chicken experts: Boston Market."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 8

 "By King Midas's freshly trimmed moustache!" Smush exclaimed. "Is it just me, or has your nose gotten bigger?"

"Thank you for noticing," Mogey replied, blushing ever so slightly. "I've been breathing only through my mouth for the last six months, and I think it's really paying off. My smeller has swollen up enough that I think I could really be in the running for Snout of the Season this year."

"Frontier Teen's most frivolous and prestigious accolade? Have you forgotten about Mergle the Schnozz?"

"Of course not," Mogey replied mournfully. "His beak has been named Snout of the Season for eight years running. But don't you think I have a chance?"

"Ordinarily I'd say yes," Smush rejoined, "but rumor has it Mergle has a brand new wart on his nozzle. It's even more bulbous than it was the first half of his legendary career. The man's got an eggplant between his eyes."

Mogey threw himself to the ground, howling like an old-timey business tycoon when not one candidate named Chauncey showed up for his chauffeur job interviews.

"Of course..." said Smush.

"Yes?" Mogey inquired, picking his face off the ground and a Swedish fish out of his hair. The tone Smush had used could mean one thing and one thing only: he was contemplating some devilment.

"Well, we could always... shall we say... tip the scales in your favor."

"How?" 

"I know a certain hornet named Bumble Babineaux," Smush explained. "He's always looking to help a friend out of a jam but also he actively enjoys stinging people. A couple of quick jabs to the honker and your nose'll be twice the size of Mergle the Schnozz's. You're happy, Bumble Babineaux is happy, bada bing, bada beeson, you're Snout of the Season."

"Is he the one I always see buzzing around anytime we try to have a picnic or enjoy a glass of crystal light on the porch?" Mogey asked. "He's always seemed more menacing than helpful. And wouldn't this be cheating?"

"Trust me," Smush assured him. "Bumble Babineaux is very discreet."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 7

 Everyone knows about the glory of an epic quest: The adventure, the excitement, the dragons to be conquered and the conchs to be draggin' (through a ramekin of Grizztopher Grizzle's Bearly Bearable Hot'n'Sassy Cocktail Sauce). But there is another side of every quest. The side only questers themselves will ever truly understand. The side of blistered feet and B.O., beans for breakfast and burnt beef jerky.

Thus it was for Mogey and Smush, who hauled themselves into the castle town of Highmutton more dead than alive.

"I can't do it," Smush cried, falling to the street in a dust cloud of his own making. "You'll have to go on without me."

"Ok," said Mogey, stumbling forward.

"No, wait!" Smush exclaimed. "What kind of a quester are you? Do you want your great grandchildren to sing songs of how you abandoned your best pal in his darkest hour?"

"I don't care what songs they sing. If I don't get to that candy, I'm going to expire on the spot!"

For Mogey and Smush's questination was that famed candy shop known as Sugar Kane's, where the Bubble Tape was seven feet long and "fun size" meant the same thing as "king size" (which was really "party size").

"Please, Mogey," Smush begged, holding out a bean-slicked hand.

"You're right," Mogey said, turning back. "Either we get to Sugar Kane's together, or we don't get there at all. And let me tell you something that's surer than a dad saying 'boing' the first time he jumps on a trampoline: We will reach that candy shop."

Mogey kept his promise, and that night the pals slept under the stars, with chocolate in their mouths, marshmallows for pillows, and blankets fashioned from the crinkliest candy wrappers. It was a terrible night's sleep. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 6

 In their younger days, Mogey and Smush moved to The Big City to seek their fortunes. It was a far cry from growing up on the same row of sod houses in the village of Burping Fens to becoming roommates in a ramshackle tenement run by Gretchen "Big Mama" Ponk.

"What do you think you're doing?" Smush inquired as Mogey began to set up a small army cot in their meager chambers.

"Getting ready to catch 40 winks, you old bean," Mogey replied.

"Surely you jest. I require the comfortable bed tonight."

"No no no," Mogey tsked. "Tonight is my night on the cot. I took the lazy susan last night, and - might I add - you saw fit to wake me at half past two in the morning!"

"I was hankering for some raisin bran!" said Smush. "You know how it is when you have a raisin bran hankering."

"You get a raisin bran hankering at least once per night! Yet every time I suggest finding another place to keep our bran-based cereals, you insist on returning them to the lazy susan."

"Be that as it may, you know I've got a job interview with the fishmonger's guild tomorrow. How can I seek my fortune without a good night's sleep?"

"You and your bran can get a good night's sleep in the lazy susan," Mogey insisted. "We've got bigger problems. Big Mama Ponk told me the building has... gulp... pipe serpents."

"Ugh!" said Smush. "No way. We would've seen them. Oy! Hissy. Hissy!"

A green-brown snake - the titular Gustav "Hissy" Fitz - poked his head out of the kitchen sink. 

"Yes, cap'n?" said Fitz.

"You haven't seen any serpents in your travels around the pipes, have you?"

"Uhhhhh," said Hissy Fitz, somewhat disbelievingly, "no?"

"There you have it," Smush stated. "Big Mama is just looking to tack more expenses onto our rent. Last month it was that absurd construction of 'fire escapes,' this month it'll be pipe serpent removal. Keep an eye out for any serpentine activity though, will you, Hissy?"

"Aye aye," said Hissy Fitz, delivering a perfect hand-to-head salute with his tail before vanishing down the drainpipe.