The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2023 Edition - Episode 2

 Staff Sergeant Mutton McMutton was just about the most feared individual in the entire battalion. The list of soldiers he'd sent crying to their mamas was almost as long as his jowls, and rumor had it that he'd once hollered so loudly at a ghost haunting his attic that the spirit developed a case of eternal hiccups.

And at this moment, the brim of Staff Sergeant McMutton's cap was mere millimeters from Mogey's forehead.

"ARE YOU LAUGHING, PRIVATE?" McMutton exclaimed.

Here Mogey was faced with a dilemma. On the one hand, the penalty for laughing was 11,000 Bulgarian split squats. On the other, the penalty for lying was to excavate the latrine pit. And he had just thought about the way his guinea pig, Bartholomew of Burne, had taken down an entire package of Bold Party Blend Chex Mix the week prior, a truly hilarious scenario.

"Could you be more specific, sir?" Mogey ventured.

"SPECIFIC? I'LL BE SPECIFIC, ALL RIGHT!" shouted McMutton (he spoke only in capital letters). "YOU ARE THE WORST SOLDIER IN THIS ENTIRE REGIMENT, EXCEPT FOR MAYBE YOUR PAL SMASH OVER THERE!"

"Ah, it's Smush, sir," Smush corrected.

"MY POINT EXACTLY!" McMutton howled, turning his attention to Smush. "PRECISELY! EXPRESSLY! IF I WANT TO CALL YOU 'SMASH,' THAT'S DARN SURE WHAT I WILL CALL YOU. IF I WANT TO CALL YOU 'SMASH,' YOU'LL REPORT TO THE PROBATE AND FAMILY COURT, FILL OUT FORM M-254, AND LEGALLY CHANGE YOUR NAME TO 'SMASH!' WHAT IS THAT FACE YOU'RE MAKING, SON?"

"Sir?" Smush replied. Staff Sergeant McMutton's longest eyebrow hairs were now tickling Smush's nose.

"IT'S SOME EXPRESSION! QUITE THE ASPECT! COULD IT BE THAT YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M SAYING? OR HAVE I GOT BAD BREATH?"

Now it was Smush's turn to experience a dilemma. He knew the penalty for lying as well as Mogey, but Staff Sergeant McMutton's breath was simply marvelous. It smelt of peppermint tea on a dewy morning. And Smush knew that if he complimented the Staff Sergeant, Mogey would never forgive him.

"WELL, PRIVATE SMASH? KEEP ME WAITING A MOMENT LONGER AND YOU'LL REPLACE PRIVATE MONKEY AS WORST SOLDIER IN THE REGIMENT!"

"Ah, actually it's--" Mogey began, but he was interrupted by a glowing, pearly figure who floated by, eying McMutton as a timid substitute teacher might eye Brent Bully, moustachioed 15-year-old.  

"Just... hic... excavate the latrine pit... hic..." the ghoul advised. "Trust me... hic, hic.... it's better than the alternative."