The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCLIX

One morning Mogey and Smush were working down on the docks, hauling sacks of lobsterfeed from big wooden palates into the lobster boats. The lobsterfeed was stinky stuff, and as such attracted a large number of seabirds.

"Squawk!" said one seabird, strutting in front of Mogey and Smush and cocking his head at them.

"That's it! It's go time!" Mogey yelled, dropping the sack of lobsterfeed and rushing toward the offending poultry with intentions of throttling it.

"Now, now, Mogey," Smush said soothingly as he restrained his pal. "It's just a puffin."

"I know!" Mogey shouted. "And he's puffin' his chest out at ME. He's a dead man I tell yeh, a dead man!"

Suddenly the puffin let out another squawk and flew over their heads, landing in the midst of dozens of his buddies, who'd torn open Mogey's abandoned sack and were now beak deep in lobsterfeed.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCLVIII

One day Mogey and Smush were ambling down the carriage track through town when the loveliest woman they'd ever laid eyes on emerged from Gelbo McIntyre's silk shop. She must have weighed eighteen stone and was wearing a red checkered dress that still bore streaks of barbecue sauce from the afternoon meal. As Mogey and Smush watched, the lovely creature paused, put a hand to her mouth, and emitted a sneeze so dainty that the pigeons in the village bell tower erupted into the air with fright.

"Please, miss, take my handkerchief!" Smush said, rushing to the enchantress's side.

"No, m'lady, take mine," Mogey yelled, leaping in front of Smush and knocking his hand away. "His handkerchief is naught but a patch torn from his pants!" The woman looked at the tear in Smush's pants knee and saw that this was so.

"That may be," the noble lady replied. "But what is your handkerchief if not a cheeseburger wrapper still containing unfinished food?"

"There's still a bite left?" Mogey demanded, leaping forward and snatching the corner of cheeseburger from the wrapper. "Don't worry, madame, I'll take care of that for you!" He crammed the burger into his mouth and let the sounds of his chomping wash over the woman of his dreams.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCLVII

One rainy day Mogey and Smush were indoors enjoying a late luncheon of boiled potatoes, boiled ham, and boiled wild grouse shank with habanero chutney.

"You know what spice should be on every table, in addition to the salt and pepper?" Smush asked.

"Tarragon, of course," Mogey replied, dabbing grouse juice from his lip.

"No."

"Coriander then," Mogey said with certainty.

"No," Smush replied, "I was thinking of--"

"Paprika? Nutmeg? Caraway?"

"Butterscotch pudding," Smush answered. "Tell me...what's butterscotch pudding NOT good on?"

"You've got something there, Smush," Mogey said respectfully. "You really have got something! Just think, one day far in the future, when there's a tub of butterscotch pudding is at every fashionable dinner table, your great grandchildren will be able to look back and say that their great-grandfather Smush was the first. The butterscotch pudding pioneer!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCLVI

One evening Mogey saw that his great Aunt Mildred had passed on, leaving him (he thought) with a sizable chunk of money.

"Smush," he said at the dinner table, "my great Aunt Mildred has passed on. What shall I do with my newly acquired monies?"

"Well, for starters I'll take the 10 quid you owe me," Smush replied.

"I do not either owe you 10 quid!" Mogey retorted.

"Yes you do, you lost our bet as to whether or not pigs bounce, and never paid up!" Smush insisted.

"I only bet that a pig would bounce a bit, not that it would bounce all the way back to the second story window!" Mogey yelled back heatedly.

"Boys! Boys!" cried great Aunt Mildred, who was sitting right next to Smush. "The only thing I passed on was that plate of brussel sprouts. You shan't be getting of my monies for a long while yet."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCLV

One afternoon Mogey and Smush were headed home from the market heavily laden with radishes and meat pies when they happen to pass by the oldest pub in town.

"Say, goodly Smush, what's that mean?" Mogey asked, pointing to the pub's cornerstone which was engraved Est. 1582.

"It stands for estimated 1,582," Smush replied. "That means they guess they've served about 1,582."

"1,582 what? Mogey queried.

"Hot dogs of course," Smush answered. "Sheesh, don't you know anything?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCLIV

There was nothing in the world that transfixed Mogey and Smush so much as gems. Once, when they were working down in the mines, Smush dug up an entire sack of gems someone had hidden there long ago.

"Don't let the foreman see!" Mogey whispered sharply. "He'll take them away!"

So Smush tucked the bag under his shirt and he and Mogey snuck out of the mine, giddy as two marmosets in a fig tree. They crept into Farmer Barmer's (a convenient name/profession pairing if ever there was one) barn and stole a fresh jug of milk, and they split the sack right down the middle. Each of the pals got half the gems and poured themselves a bowl. Then they covered the gems in Farmer Barmer's fresh milk and dug in with vigor, because they were honey coated gems with nut clusters, the most delicious gems there are.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCLIII

Some nights Mogey and Smush would have a good old hoedown out back in the barn. On these nights - and only on these nights - the two pals would unleash their considerable musical talents for the benefit of those assembled.

"Evening, ladies and gentlemen!" Smush would shout. "M'name's Smush, on lead guitar and vocals." If ever they'd had a crowd, this would've been the occasion for their first cheer of delirious fanaticism, but unfortunately, the only hoedown guests they ever got were an elderly fieldmouse couple. The Sneakersons, as the fieldmice were called, liked to dance, but they LOVED to rock.

"I'd like to introduce the rest of my band here," Smush would continue. "Behind me, on drums, is Mittens Burnsworth!"

"Rock and roll!" the Sneakersons would squeak. "Drum solo! Drum solo!"

Mittens, a tabby cat from a rough neighborhood, would then launch into a bone-jarring drum solo that all but knocked the Sneakersons off their feet.

"And off to my left is Byron "The Belly" Nogenard on upright bass!" Smush would shout.

"We love you, Byron!" the Sneakersons would scream in their tiny voices. "Give us a belly-shaker!"

Then Byron, a Berkshire white pot-bellied pig, would twang the strings of the bass until his belly shook and the air wavered with vibration.

"And last but not least," Smush would call excitedly, "my best friend in the world: Mogey on tuba!"

"Get that guy out of here!" the Sneakersons would chitter as Mogey prepared for a face-melting tuba solo. "He couldn't rock if he sat in rocking chair!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCLII

Mogey "The Massacre" and "Beastly" Smush were two of the most celebrated rasslers in all of County Eclair. On Wednesday nights they could be found without fail, taking on all comers in the ring outside town hall.

One fateful Wednesday, a hooded figure emerged from the record crowd of eleven onlookers plus four babies who were not, by a strict definition, looking on, though they were in attendance. The hooded figure threw off his robe and sprang into the ring, revealing himself to be "Slick Rapscallion", the most feared rassler ever to walk the streets of Oinkington, the next county over.

"Oy!" Slick Rapscallion bellowed. "Are you the yellow-bellied cowards they call Mogey The Massacre and Beastly Smush?"

"I didn't know it was possible to bellow the word 'oy,'" Beastly Smush responded. "Did you know that, Mogey?"

"I can't say as I did," Mogey The Massacre replied. "But I did know it was possible to scream 'Massacre Monkeybars!'"

The crowd went wild as Mogey The Massacre performed his signature move, negotiating a set of invisible monkeybars and belly flopping onto Slick Rapscallion's unsuspecting head, effectively knocking him unconscious.

"WHO'S THE MASTER...ACRE?" Mogey shouted to the audience. He pulled off the belt wrapped around his middle and held it aloft in celebration.

"What're you doing Mogey?" Smush whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Showing off my championship belt!" Mogey answered.

"But it's only a grubby bit of rope," Smush whispered. "And your trousers have fallen down!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCLI

One morning Mogey and Smush decided it was high time they traveled to the moon. All day they planned: drawing up diagrams, solving mathematical theorems, and collecting supplies for the journey. Finally, as night fell, they set out.

But most unfortunately indeed, it wasn't twenty minutes before their expedition hit it's first snag.

"Uh, Smush?" Mogey called down. "I think this is as far as it goes."

"Are you sure?" Smush replied. "Reach out a try to touch it, then!"

Mogey clung to the topmost branches of the tallest pine tree in their backyard and stretched his fingers toward the full moon hanging above.

"I can't quite reach it!" Mogey said, as Smush looked on from a few branches below, thoughtfully munching a doughnut. "Maybe this moon travel is more difficult than we thought."
- Show quoted text -

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCL

Mogey and Smush charged up to the battlements of Drayblatt Castle with claymores in their hands and malice in their eyes. They roared with the power and fury of recently uncaged Molibian jungle cats. The sight of Drayblatt soldiers filled the eye slits of their iron helmets.

"Say, Smush," Mogey yelled as they leaped onto the castle walls. "We seem to be all alone!" Sure enough, they glanced about to find they were they only soldiers who had charged. Just then, the familiar boing of the army's largest catapult echoed across the battlefield and they turned to see an enormous projectile flying their way.

"Gadzooks!" Smush cried.

"They've launched a rock at us!" Mogey shrieked, pointing up at the incoming missile.

"No Mogey," Smush replied. "That's no rock. It's something far, far worse. The stuff of legends. Our army has saved the gizzard from every Christmas goose in the country and bound them together into a ball so frightening there can be only one word for it."

"It can't be!" Mogey yelled.

"That's right, Mogey. It's a gizzard bomb. And it's headed right for us."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXLIX

One day when the sun was a deep, mysterious blue and the sea was shining golden as a new penny, Mogey and Smush were ambling along the beach. As they ambled (and they were expert amblers) they came upon an old corked bottle that had washed up on the sand.

"Let's open it!" Smush exclaimed. "There might be a message inside!"

"I don't know," Mogey replied hesitantly. "I don't like those messages in a bottle. They can sometimes be cursed...."

"Cursed Shmursed," Smush answered.

"...by Davey Jones..." Mogey continued.

"Davey Jones, Shavey Gnomes," Smush retorted once more. "I'm opening it." He uncorked the bottle and sure enough, a crinkled old piece of parchment was curled inside. Smush shook it out and put on his spectacles.

"All it says is 'Yowch!'" he explained. "I wonder what that-- Yowch!" Smush yelled as a hermit crab the size of an extremely large hermit crab scuttled out of the bottle and nipped his thumb. "Wait... there's a post script," Smush noticed, nursing his thumb as the crab assassin scuttled away. "'Yours Truly, Davey Jones.'"

"What'd I tell you?" Mogey repeated. "Cursed...by Davey Jones."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXLVIII

One day Mogey and Smush were out in the forest playing "Woodland Critters" with their friends from around the countryside.

"Hi-Didely-Ai, boys!" called PJ Jamese, the leader of their gang. "Circle up and look sharp!" The rabblerousers - Mogey and Smush included - immediately stopped rousing rabble and formed a rough semicircle about him.

"First order of business!" PJ went on. "The last few rounds of Woodland Critters have been much too disorganized. Folks are changing species left and right out there. From now on, you have to choose a name that will tell everyone what kind of critter you are, and stick with it 'til the end! My name will be Eagle-eye Johnny."

"I'll be Roman van Wolf!" cried Benson Bock, another rambunctious youngster.

"And I want to be called Gorilla Jones!" called one of their friends named Kevin Vincent O'Malley.

"And you, Mogey and Smush?" PJ Jamese asked. "What will your Woodland Critters nicknames be?"

"Bitsy Hoggins," said Mogey.

"And Sloth Worthington, at your service," Smush added.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXLVII

One day Mogey and Smush were playing with building blocks when Teacher came around to see what they had constructed.

"What is this you've built, Smush?" Teacher asked.

"The Cathedral of Notre Dame," studious Smush replied proudly as he presented the flying buttresses and elegant spires he'd made out of crude wooden blocks.

"Why, how lovely," Teacher exclaimed, beaming at him. "And you, Mogey? What is this construction you've created? The Leaning Tower of Pisa? The Arc de Triomphe?"

"Nope," Mogey said. "That there's a scale model of a loaf o' salami."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXLVI

One stupendous spring afternoon, Mogey and Smush were catapulting meatballs off the top of the village bell tower, or as they liked to call it, Le Minaret de Mischief. Mogey had just lobbed a particularly saucy meatball onto a crowd of schoolchildren when he turned to Smush with a look of dismay.

"Smush?" he asked. "Isn't there more to life than this?"

Smush gazed down on the chaos that had erupted below: it wasn't the meatballs that were wreaking havoc so much as the flock of seagulls that had come to feast on the remnants. In fact, two seagulls were lifting a rather plump boy named Fergus Glomp - who refused to let go of the meatball he'd been struck by - into the air above the churchyard.

"You may be right, Mogey," Smush replied. "Go ahead and get those stuffed peppers out of the cooler."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXLV

One day Mogey and Smush were heading down to the docks when they stopped into a little shop for a couple of fish sandwiches. They peeled open the newspaper wrapping as they walked along the foggy riverbank. Mogey had gotten a golden piece of fried scrod in a fresh-baked bun, but Smush opened his sandwich to reveal what appeared to be a whole mackerel on rye.

"What in the blue blazes?" Smush asked his sandwich, who didn't respond. "This is not what I ordered!" So he turned on his heel and marched back to the shop all afluster.

"Be nice, Smush!" Mogey called, scurrying after him.

"What does this look like?" Smush demanded, slamming his sandwich onto the counter.

"Mackerel on rye," the toothless, moustachioed sandwich maker replied.

"Am I crazy, sir? Is this not Pugleport Village?" Smush lectured. "Never did I think I'd see the day when a Pugleport mackerel on rye was not served with sun-dried tomato aioli!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXLIV

One morning after the spring's first rain, Mogey and Smush were strolling out of the house when the door fell off it's hinges. That's right, it crashed right out of the door frame and onto the front stoop.

"Holy cow!" Smush shouted. "Mogey, get me a screwdriver from my toolbox! And hurry!"

"But you haven't even got a toolbox, Smush," Mogey answered hesitantly. "Let alone a screwdriver."

"Well of course I don't!" Smush retorted. "It was obvious that I meant 'get me a ginger snap from the cookie jar!' Land sakes, Mogey, do I have to spell everything out for you?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXLIII

One day Mogey and Smush were skipping along through the Hottoes Desert when they came across a lamp. As anyone in their places would have, they rubbed the lamp, and sure enough a genie emerged.

He didn't bear the appearance of your traditional genie, however. He was rather scrawny and wore a thin, muley moustache.

"Hullo I suppose," the genie said lacksadaisically as Mogey and Smush boogied down with joy. "I'm here to, you know, grant you each a wish."

"Hooray!" Mogey yelled. "I wish for a million gold doubloons!"

"Can't do that," the genie muttered. "Do I look like I could lift even a HUNDRED gold doubloons?"

"Alright," Mogey replied "How about a stack of bank notes worth a million Deutsche Marks?"

"Where would I find Deutsche Marks in a desert?" the genie asked. "I don't fly or anything, you know."

"I lifetime supply of chocolates?" Mogey suggested.

"Can't do it," the genie replied.

"The love of a beautiful lady?"

"Nope."

"A machine to do my every bidding?"

"Uh-uh."

"Ok then, how about some parachute pants?" Mogey demanded in exasperation.

"That I can do!" the genie replied, happily tearing away his own baggy trousers to reveal a second pair beneath. "Congratulations, you've been genied!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXLII

One morning Mogey opened his eyes and had no idea where he was. The whole world had gone topsy turvy: up was down, east was west, the land was above the sky. The sun was setting below the horizon, dogs walked on their tails, and cherries were on the bottom of ice cream sundaes.

"Smush!" Mogey cried in a blind panic. "Where am I???"

"You're in bed with the covers over your face, Mogey," Smush replied. "And your blanket is upside down."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXLI

One day Mogey and Smush were ambling down the path into town when they saw Old Man Guttleberry making his way up into the foothills. On his right foot he had an old roller skate and his left leg was a wooden peg with a wagon wheel at the end. A team of oxen pulled him along and he held the reins tight in his gnarled, crinkly hands.

"You know what I heard about Old Man Guttleberry?" Smush whispered, casting a sidelong glance at the man on wheels. "I heard ain't got no teeth, but he bought a pair of wooden ones from a man down in Muskratport."

"Wooden teeth?" Mogey asked.

"Aye," Smush said, cringing a bit.

"Can you imagine such a thing?" Mogey asked as Smush shook his head. "Why it would be...glorious! You could sharpen them to points and look like a badger - or paint them blue and be the hit of every party...."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXL

"C'mon Smush, you won't do it! You're too chicken!" yelled Brawny Bullykins, the toughest guy in the schoolyard.

"Don't do, it Smush," Mogey cautioned. "Your tongue will never be the same!"

"It's only a pump handle," Smush replied confidently. "And Smush never refuses a dare."

The crowd of boys erupted into cheers as Smush strode across the icy, windswept schoolyard toward the cruel-looking iron water pump. They fell deathly silent as Smush bent toward the pump handle. Mogey cringed in horror, and even Brawny Bullykins looked frightened, as Smush extended his tongue toward the cold black metal.

For several moments there was utter confusion as the audience struggled to comprehend what they had just witnessed. And then the crowd went bonkers.

"You did it, Smush my boy, you did it!" Mogey cried, slapping him on the back as Brawny Bullykins walked back to the schoolhouse hanging his head. The other boys rushed in, lifting Smush, their hero, high into the air. Not only had he NOT left a chunk of his tongue on the pump handle, Smush had used his awesomeness to melt the pump into a twisted pile of molten metal.

For once, Smush had used his powers for good instead mischief.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXXIX

One hot summer evening Mogey and Smush were eating spareribs. The long dining table was strewn with corn cobs and bones they'd gnawed clean of succulent meat, but Mogey and Smush were still eating away, because no one can ever have enough spareribs.

"Mogey!" Smush cried, collapsing into peals of meat-drunk laughter. "Take this napkin.You should see your face: it looks like you've bathed in barbecue sauce!"

"Naw Smush," Mogey replied, refusing the napkin. "I don't like to use a napkin when I'm eating ribs. I just wipe my face with the back of my hand." Mogey then proceeded to demonstrate this feat, only his hands were so doused that his face ended up saucier than ever.

"Ho ho!" Smush guffawed, laughing even harder. "You've gotten more sauce on your face than before, Mogey!"

"Yes, but does any of the ORIGINAL sauce remain? I think not," Mogey said, licking his fingers. "Mission accomplished."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXXVIII

"Smush," Mogey asked one spring day as the two pals strode down the lane to fetch a fresh bouquet of flowers for their landlady, "what is your favorite weapon?"

"Oh I'd have to say my double-edged tempered-steel authentic samurai sword," Smush replied. "What about yourself?"

"Ah Smush," Mogey said, "you have so much to learn. Don't you know that the Pen is mightier than the Sword?"

"Not only have I never seen a pen that could slice a mighty oak tree in half and yet have the precision to julienne onions the way my sword can, you're also completely illiterate," Smush retorted.

"But you misunderstand me Smush," Mogey rejoined. "The Pen I was referring to was not a writing utensil. It was my twenty-pound billy club, Penaglios the Mighty. And there is so greater weapon in all the land than Penaglios the Mighty."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXXVII

One night Mogey and Smush decided they'd had enough of the rogue cow who had been terrorizing the neighborhood. The rogue cow had smashed up petunias, uprooted potatoes, and stolen vast quantities of red rope licorice, but so far no one had been able to catch the beast.

"There we are, Mogey," Smush said as he put the finishing touches on the trap they'd constructed. The trap was a sure-fire cow-catcher consisting of an enormous cardboard box propped up by a kayak paddle.

"It looks stupendous, goodly Smush," Mogey responded. "Just one thing: with what shall we bait it?"

"That's an easy one," Smush answered. "A bacon double cheeseburger."

Mogey looked aghast. "Surely a cow - even a rogue cow - wouldn't eat beef?" he demanded.

"No no," Smush replied assuredly, "but it's a well known fact that a rogue cow will go to great lengths to rescue one of his fallen comrades. Especially if that comrade has been doused in bacon and jarlsberg."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXXVI

"Say, Smush," Mogey said one day as they were collecting eggs from the henhouse one morning, "have you ever heard tell of the Blarney Stone?"

"You mean that rock everyone kisses?" Smush asked as a chubby hen named Squawkins tried to peck his hand.

"That's the one," Mogey answered. "If they had such a stone here in North Sotherby what do you think visitors would do to it?"

"They sure wouldn't kiss it," Smush replied knowlegably. "The smell from the skunk cabbage plantation doesn't put anyone in the mood for kissing. I'd guess people would probably give the rock a high five."

"Yes, or perhaps a hug if the rock was looking particularly nice that day," Mogey added.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXXV

One evening in the height of mud season, Mogey and Smush were feeling particularly philanthropic.

"I'm feeling philanthropic today, Mogey," Smush said. "What can we do to help out this wonderful township that's given us so much?"

"I've got just the thing!" Mogey replied happily. "Let's build some toys for the local children!"

Smush agreed that this was a stupendous idea, so bringing with them 4 mincemeat pies, a gallon of sodypop, and a sack of peppermint candy, the two of the settled in for an all-nighter in their workshop. Toy after toy they built in a frenzy of chisels and paint, and when the sawdust settled they had made a toy for every child in the village.

"Whew! That was some night," Mogey exclaimed, plucking an escaped piece of peppermint candy from his beard. "What was the best toy you made, Smush?"

"I'd have to say these here springboots," Smush answered, holding up a pair of children's boots with stiff metal springs strapped to the bottoms. "Some lucky tot will get to see his house from 50 feet up in the air with these babies on his feet. What was your favorite?"

"Far and away this Genghis Khan action figure," Mogey said. "Check it out, if you move the lever on his back...PAH! These hidden six-inch razor-sharp eye-pokers shoot out of his sleeves!"