The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXXIV

Once Mogey and Smush started a small carpet steaming business. In the two months they were open they had only three customers, none of whom came off very pleased with Smogey Steaming. Mogey and Smush could not, for the life of them, understand why. For every job, they showed up on time and dressed in their smart white suits with Smogey Steaming stitched in purple thread under the breast pocket. They would carry in the beautiful steam machine of gleaming steel and check twice to make sure their price was agreeable.

Then they would go to work steaming carpet. Smogey Steaming's steam machine could steam carpets faster than any machine East of the Cantupchuck River, but their exceptional work didn't end there. Mogey would carefully shine the fancy metal plate cover while Smush prepared a garnish of radish roses, and they would lay the freshly steamed slice of carpet on a bed of mushroom gnocchi.

"Voila!" Smush would say.

"Ta-da!" Mogey would chime in.

Yet for some reason, every time they lifted the plate cover to reveal the delicious looking plate of steamed carpet, the customers looked at them in disgust and began cussing a blue streak until Mogey and Smush left the house without pay. Thus ended the unfortunate history of Smogey Steaming, a Mogey and Smush production.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXXIII

One bitterly cold winter's eve Mogey and Smush were huddled around the warmth of the parlor woodstove. After a bit Mogey stirred the coals and unearthed two baked potatoes he'd buried hours earlier.

"What are you doing with those?" Smush asked as Mogey slipped one of the potatoes into his nightshirt.

"Keeping warm!" Mogey replied. "I'm not about to get into that ice cold bed without a couple of baked taters by my side."

"Sheesh!" Smush huffed in exasperation. "Do I have to show you everything? You want to be a tough guy don't you?"

"Sure I do," Mogey answered.

"Well tough guys don't put baked potatoes in their nightshirts," Smush said. "Tough guys use a cinderbox."

Smush took out their old popcorn popper (a small wire cage on a stick) and showed Mogey how to load her up with hot coals.

"There you are sir Mogesley," Smush said, giving the cinderbox a vigorous shake, "see how warm that keeps you tonight."

Next morning a very charred and displeased looking Mogey met Smush at the breakfast table.

"Well," Smush asked, "how'd you like the cinderbox, eh?"

"Not only was I freezing," Mogey replied, wiping soot from his brow, "my bed caught on fire in the wee hours of the morning. Now I'm burned AND cold!"

"Then you're finally a tough guy," Smush said, looking quite pleased with himself.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXXII

One afternoon Mogey and Smush were meandering down the banks of the Gray Veenbiscots River when they encountered an individual typical of those parts. He was a short fellow, standing only as high as Mogey and Smush's elbows, and he wore a ragged navy blue bunny suit.

"Ahoy!" called Mogey as the bunny suited man skipped by. "What is your moniker, sir?"

"Me?" bunny suit responded jovially. "Why I'm called Timp Mimp!"

"And what brings you to wear this outrageous costume?" Smush asked.

"Why I'm a nose bugler!" Timp Minp replied. "Watch this!" Timp Mimp used one of his bunny suit paws to clamp his nose shut and at the same time began to emit a noise most unpleasant. "Trululu lululeelu," he hummed.

"Great crispy ducks!" Smush cried in anguish.

"I know," Mogey said, his eyes widening in wonder. "Isn't that the loveliest music you've ever heard?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXXI

One bright and shining day at the county fair, a strange man approached Mogey and Smush's mixed nut stand.

"What are ye peddling?" the man croaked through a gnarled gingery beard.

"Mixed nuts!" Smush replied cheerfully.

"I see," the man replied, "and how be they prepared?"

"Now see here," Mogey answered, putting his hands on his hips and getting defensive as he often did about his cooking. "We serve our mixed nuts two ways. You can have 'em hot and salted in a paper cone, or you can have 'em cold and crumbly and rolled up inside a rubbery old pancake."

"Mmm," the man said. "Do you have cheese and bacon bits to top them off if I get the hot ones?"

"You know what?" Mogey responded, raising his voice. "Why don't you just got out of here! What kind of two-bit mixed nut stand do you think we're running ? Cheese and bacon bits...of COURSE we have cheese and bacon bits!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXX

"Say, Smush," Mogey said one day as he came home from a long day of hang gliding, "I was posed a most interesting question today. Maybe you should have a go at it: how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"No idea," Smush replied. "But I'll tell you this much: if I could chuck wood I'd chuck a big armful in the direction of your head."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXIX

One day Mogey and Smush were ambling through the deep dark Oondale Forest when they encountered a pine cone monster.

"Avast!" cried the pine cone monster, tumbling out into the narrow path. His skin was gnarly and prickly all over and he scarcely came up to Mogey and Smush's waist but he brandished his pine cone fists in a feisty manner. "Dare you tread the path of my ancestors?" he demanded.

"Aw look at you, little fella," Mogey said, patting the pine cone monster on his coney head. "What's your name?"

"My name is too frightening to be heard by the human ear," the pine cone monster replied. "It was created by a demon in a torture chamber on a moonless night during the most evil year of all time!"

"Well, what is it?" Smush asked.

"Lester," the creature replied. "But most of my friends call me Piney."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXVIII

One day Mogey and Smush were racing from the pumphouse to the barley field. Smush, who was much faster than Mogey, had a monstrous lead within seconds, so he came back to participate in one of his favorite activities: talking some jive.

"What's the matter, Moge-poke?" he taunted his struggling pal. "Should we make it the sheepfold instead of the barley field?"

"Just you wait," Mogey replied breathlessly. "This is going to be a classic example of the cactus and the hair."

"It's the TORTOISE and the hare, you numbskull!" Smush rejoined, running backwards right next to Mogey.

"Oh yes?" Mogey replied. "You think so? Well what say you to this? Smagown!" he yelled as he pulled a particularly prickly looking cactus from his shirt sleeve. Mogey tossed the cactus, snarling it in Smush's beloved mane of golden curls, and took off for the barley field faster than a goose on Christmas.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXVII

Smush was shivering as he traipsed in from the cold October rain, shaking icy water off his galoshes and rain cap.

"Make us a pot of tea, will you Mogey?" Smush asked, his teeth chattering. Mogey, feeling sorry for his friend, dashed off to the kitchen.

"Here you are, Smush," Mogey said, returning with a mug and spoon which Smush accepted gratefully. "I've gotten a lot better at decoding your abbreviations lately," Mogey went on, as Smush lifted the spoon for a taste.

"This is ice cold, Mogey!" Smush shouted. "Is this...ice cream?"

"Of course," Mogey replied proudly. "You can't put one by old Mogey. I know how you've been abbreviating everything: pass the 's' and 'p', can you take out the 'g', Holy 'M!' So I was right on your wavelength when you asked for some 't.' And there you have it, a fresh pot of Triple Fudge Swirl!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXVI

One day Dumple the Wise came to town. He sat on a spindly rocking chair under a chestnut tree at the top of Egginin Hill, and folks from far an wide came to get his advice. Dumple the Wise sat completely still, but anytime a stiff breeze came along, he would rock his chair to avoid the falling chestnuts.

Mogey and Smush waited in line for seven and a half long hours with only a set of fiddlesticks and half a pack of chewing gum to pass the time. Finally they stood before Dumple the Wise having earned the privilege of asking him one question.

"What is it you would like to know?" asked Dumple the Wise serenely as he dodged falling chestnuts.

"What sort of corn is best?" Mogey cried, before Smush could stop him.

"Popped," Dumple the Wise said after a moment's thought. "Next!"

"I can't believe you blew it, Mogey!" Smush hissed in fury as they walked away from the wise man. "We went over our question a thousand times! You were supposed to ask what sort of corn is TASTIEST!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXV

One autumn day so crisp that rice puffs were falling from the sky, Mogey and Smush were walking to polka band practice when they cane acriss famed wolf-jockey Smergen Montool. Smergen was riding his newest wolf, a vicious and bloodthirsty beast named Bojangles.

"Smergen Montool!" Mogey shouted gleefully. "We are huge fans!"

"Good evening, chaps," Smergen replied, cantering Bojangles toward them. "Always nice to meet wolf racing fans. Say, I don't suppose you'd like to come to our next race? I'm riding Bojangles here in the Buntrum Country Open Tuesday next."

"Would we!" Mogey cried as Smergen handed him a pair of tickets. "A billion thanks! We'll be cheering for you!"

Smergen Montool waved goodbye and we and galloped off down the street atop Bojangles. When he had disappeared, Smush snatched the tickets from Mogey, tore them to pieces, and ground them under the heel of his boot.

"What'd you do that for?" Mogey demanded.

"Have you ever been to a wolf race, Mogey?" Smush asked haughtily. "They don't even serve meat pies. All they have to eat are watercress sandwiches. Ugh."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXIV

One evening, superheroes Mogey and Smush were preparing to go gallivanting about Audah City, fighting crime while at the same time keeping a sharp eye out for potentially delicious abandoned victuals.

It had been months since the two vigilante crimefighters had gone gallivanting, and Smush was excited to try out a brand new costume. He burst out of his room with a flourish and Mogey paused midway through tying his baby bib to look at his pal.

"What in the world is that?" Mogey asked.

"It's my new cape!" Smush replied proudly.

"It's a blanket..." Mogey said confusedly.

"Patchwork capes are going to be all the rage in the superhero community pretty soon," Smush answered, sweeping the cape around his shoulders. "And all criminals will fear Sergeant Quilt, iron fist of justice and costume trendsetter."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXIII

One day Smush came home from a long day's work in the cinnamon mine to find Mogey, who was working the night shift, waiting for him at the end of the drive.

"Good morrow, Mogey," Smush said. "What's the scuttlebutt?"

"I've gotten you a present, Smush," Mogey replied. "And I wanted it to be a surprise. I know you're always saying how exhausting it is to walk up the front garden steps after a long day's work in the cinnamon mine, and I've it made so's you'll never have to walk up those stairs again."

"What?" Smush exclaimed. "How? Did you make a lift? Have you hired a large man to carry us up the stairs? Did you make the path curve round the back?"

"Better than any of those!" Mogey answered. "But I don't want to spoil it. Now when you get to the place where the stairs used to be I want you to close your eyes and jump. Oh, and don't mind the giant trampoline box over by the compost heap."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXII

The sealskin canoe bumped gently into great chunks of ice as Mogey and Smush threaded their way through the flows in search of the rarest of all creatures.

"What is it we're looking for again, Smush?" Mogey asked.

"We want an old wooden shipwreck," Smush replied, "and it would help if it looks mysterious."

"Why is that again?"

"Because we're searching for the rarest of all creatures," Smush said solemnly. "The famed Artic Ark Tick."

"I see one!" Mogey shouted almost immediately, pointing off the starboard side. "I see a shipwreck!"

"Mogey," Smush rejoined, looking in the direction his pal was pointing. "Not only is that no place to find an Artic Ark Tick, not only is it not a wrecked ship, it's quite literally a bed and breakfast. You may be the worst seafaring artic explorer of the last decade."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXXI

"Mogey! Mogey! Come quickly!" Smush shouted, rushing into the house all afluster. "You'll never believe what I've taught Brownie to do!"

Mogey leapt from his chair and followed Smush hurriedly out to the barn. Brownie, their prize dairy cow was standing in her stall as always, munching from her feedbox. But instead of her normal diet of oats and hay, the feedbox was full of eggs and a half-pound bag of sugar.

"Milk her, Mogey!" Smush said, almost shaking with excitement. So Mogey sat down on the short stool and milked Brownie into the clean metal pail. The milk made a swishing sound against the side of the pail, and Mogey wondered what in the world Smush was on about.

"Now give it a try!" Smush urged. Mogey took a sip from the fresh pail of milk. Then another. Then he took several enormous gulps.

"Great gooses!" Mogey cried when at last he stopped drinking. "This is the most delicious egg nog I've ever tasted!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXX

One day Mogey and Smush were in school. The little brick schoolhouse was muggy and hot, and Professor Beardlock would thrash them with a willow switch if they so much as wiped their brows.

"I can't stand it any longer, Smush," Mogey whispered sharply. "I'll die of hunger if I don't have that piece of german chocolate cake in the lunch pail."

"No Mogey!" Smush replied under his breath. "We've got to finish our multiplication tables or Professor Beardlock is going to take out the willow switch! Now what does seven times four equal?"

"Molebreath!" Mogey answered loudly. "Now let me at that german chocolate cake!" He erupted from his chair and made a mad dash for the lunch pail, and that cake was gone before you could say higgeldy piggeldy.

Mogey's backside received eight lashes from the willow switch that day, but Thor himself couldn't have whipped the delicious taste of german chocolate cake out of his mouth.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXIX

One day Mogey and Smush were focused intently on a pivotal game of checkers. The atmosphere was so tense that Mogey could only manage to choke down half of a plump roast goose with chestnut stuffing. Neither competitor dared move his back row for fear of a game-changing catastrophe, until finally Smush had no other choice.

"Ha!" Mogey shouted, moving one of his pieces into Smush's back row. "Prince me!"

"What are you talking about?" Smush asked. "Don't you mean 'king me?'"

"I mean exactly what I said," Mogey replied. "Now put a bottle cap on my prince's head and give him a tiny bazooka. Everyone should be given a bazooka on the day he becomes a prince."

"But we don't have any tiny bazookas! We only have that one," Smush said, gesturing to the massive firearm leaning in the corner of their breakfast nook.

"Oh well," Mogey rejoined with a wide grin. "I guess my prince is going to blow your checker army away!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXVIII

One day Smush was taking a break from organizing his dust bunny collection and he went outside to find Mogey digging away. Mogey had dug himself so deep that ground level was above his ears and he was tossing little shovelfuls of earth up and over the edge.

"Salutations, Mogey!" Smush called down. "What are you digging, my friend?"

"A tunnel," Mogey replied.

"Where to?" Smush asked.

"Oh just straight down," Mogey said. "I wanted to see how deep the ground goes."

"Mmm," Smush answered, feeling a bit perplexed. "Wouldn't that be more of a hole than a tunnel?" Mogey stared up at Smush as he wiped fresh dirt from his brow.

"You say potato, I say potahto," Mogey replied.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXVII

"Hey Mogey," Smush said one morning at the breakfast table. "Have you taken care of that spider web near the barn yet?"

"No," Mogey replied. "It's very bad luck to kill a spider."

"Come with me, Mogey," Smush said, rising from the table. He led his pal out to the front porch and up the path beside the house, where they stopped before the barn. A massive spider web more than four fathoms wide stretched clear to the woodshed, and in it were stuck several birds of varying sizes, a beach ball, and their dog, Pogo.

"There is literally a dog stuck in this spider web, Mogey," Smush exclaimed. "A full sized dog. How long before a baby gets stuck in there? Or worse, one of our pigs?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXVI

One misty day Mogey and Smush had to meet with a quite nefarious individual at the tip top of Mount Moop.

"Bring the map, Mogey," Smush said. "It's awful foggy out and I have the feeling we might get lost."

Sure enough, the intrepid travelers got spun around in the blindingly thick haze, and before long they found themselves caught on Mount Moop's most dangerous feature: Bonebreak Ledge.

"Can I see that map, Mogey?" Smush asked over the howl of the wind. Mogey handed him the rolled sheet of parchment.

"What is this?" Smush demanded, staring at the map in shock. "This is a child's coloring map of the South Pole! Why would you bring this?"

"You said we might get lost," Mogey replied.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXV

Mogey and Smush loved to play tic-tac-toe, but they had a slight variation on the traditional game.

"X's win it," Mogey exclaimed as Smush began removing his left shoe and stocking fearfully. Mogey grabbed the hammer from its place on the tic-tac-toe board and took a few practice swings, grinning mischievously as Smush winced in anticipation.

"Alrighty," Mogey said, "here we go. Tiiiiic...taaaac...TOE!" he shouted, bringing the hammer down on Smush's big toe. Smush screamed in pain and hopped about, clutching his foot.

"That was too hard!" Smush roared. "Keep it up and I'm changing the game to tic-tac-forehead!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXIV

"You know what I was thinking, Smush?" Mogey said one dewey morning. "It's high time we rebel."

"Rebel?" Smush asked. "But we live in the lap of luxury here. Duke and Duchess Googapan let us do as we please over the entire north wing of their estate. They give us three square meals a day on silver platters, plus a fourth meal on a plate made of fresh waffles. We never lift a finger except to play paper football on game night. Best of all, the butler powders our wigs each morning and fluffs our slippers so they slide on easily, even when our toes are particularly sausagey. Why in the world would we want to rebel?"

"Because they're not the boss of us!" Mogey shouted, stomping his foot.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXIII

One day Mogey and Smush were down at the Countywide Cracklin' Cornbread Bakeoff. Dozens of contestants entered every year, but to make sure no baker stayed on top for too long, everyone had to share the secret ingredient that made his or her cornbread crackle.

"What was your secret ingredient?" the judge asked Mrs. Butterthumb, the contest's winner three years earlier.

"Rice krispies," Mrs. Butterthumb admitted abashedly.

"Oh ho!" the judge cried. "Very interesting, Mrs. Butterthumb, very interesting indeed. And the lovely Miss Wiggybean? What was your secret ingredient?"

"Pork cracklins," Miss Wiggybean said, covering her face with a flowered apron.

"Ahhh, a true classic," said the judge as we walked toward Mogey and Smush's steaming pan of yellow bread. "And what was your secret ingredient, gentlemen?" he asked.

"Bubble wrap!" Smush cried proudly.

"And a litttttttle pinch of allspice," Mogey added.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXII

"Hey Mogey," Smush said one frosty day as they harvested the last of the cabbages, "what's your hat made of?"

"This hat?" Mogey answered with gusto. "This hat is knitted from the finest Bandrigian wool harvested secretly in the dead of night from Lord Plumper's personal flock of bounding sheep. What're your trousers made of?"

"My shirt is made from the hide of the dreaded Portuguese anger deer," Smush explained. "It's a creature so murderous, that to catch it the hunter had to replace his salt lick with a bearmeat lick. The hide of the anger deer had to be boiled in lye for a fortnight before it could be touched by human hands, but it's as soft as silk, and as tough as a dwarf noggin. What's your vest made of?"

"Pleather," Mogey replied.

"Well I can't compete with that," Smush said in awe.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCXI

One day Smush was mixing up some egg nog when Mogey walked in from a long half hour's work in the peacock fields. Smush thought it would be the height of hilarity to flick his noggy whisk in Mogey's direction, splattering him with a fine spray of nogdroplets. Mogey paused in mid step. Cautiously, he wiped a finger across his cheek and put it to his mouth.

"Smush," Mogey said, turning intensely toward his friend as his eyes narrowed, "you've just made my list."

"What list is that?" Smush asked, suddenly nervous.

"A list I keep nailed to my wall..." Mogey began, his face etched with emotion, "of people who make delicious egg nog."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush Volume CCX

There was but one time Mogey and Smush got involved in local politics. In the village of Gumpottom Hollow there a biannual election was held for town meat clerk, an important position in a hamlet whose principal export was ham. Ham hamlets like Gumpottom Hollow were common once upon a time.

Well, Mogey and Smush liked meat, and they liked clerkery, so they decided to run for co-meat clerk positions on a duel ballot. The election turned ugly, however, when local butcher and crowd favorite Matthias Cleaves entered the race, blowing away Mogey and Smush in a landslide.

It always remained a mystery to Mogey and Smush how they had lost with such a well-run campaign. They'd come up short even though they exhibited these three characteristics of all successful election strategies:

1) Trustworthiness: Mogey and Smush had stolen fewer pies and babies off of back porches than anyone in the community (except perhaps notable pie-hater Ron Boingee, who was allergic to babies).

2) Attractiveness: It goes without saying that between Mogey's distinguished paunch and Smush's distinguished paunch, they were two of the best looking fellows in the district.

3) A Catchy Campaign Slogan: After much deliberation Mogey and Smush had stumbled upon a slogan that was both excellent and irrefutable: "Mogey and Smush: a smell you can taste!"