The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 42

 When the lunch whistle blew at the loofah mill, the workers' first thought was, of course, lunch. But after they'd mown through the roast beast sangwiches and cornish pasties in their lunch pails, the biggest, toughest, orneriest mill workers would gather in the courtyard for a thumb rassle. These monstrous men, their digits strengthened by years of loofah production, often sprained or even fractured one anothers' thumbs, so intense were their battles.

On one such lunch break, Mogey and Smush watched Mule Rodriguez square off against Mouse "The Trap" von Trapp. 

"Mule's going to dominate," Smush whispered. "Look at him - he's got his game face on."

"I'm not so sure," Mogey replied in an equally low tone. "He might just be queasy. I saw him gobbling down an obviously rancid pasty earlier."

"Wanna make things interesting?" queried Smush.

"You're on!" Mogey replied. 

Mule won the first two matches of the seven-match series with ease, celebrating the victories with his trademark "Hee-haw jig." But The Trap came roaring back, winning three of the next four matches. And so it all came down to the pivotal seventh match. 

The pure power of Mule's massive pollex seemed destined to prevail, but The Trap's thumb hunted Mule's like a mongoose hunts a king cobra: patiently waiting and then striking with surgical precision. At the very moment when it seemed Mouse "The Trap" von Trapp had worn Mule Rodriguez down and would soon strike the killing blow, an entire wedding cake crashed onto the table, covering both combatants, and - more importantly - their thumbs. 

The courtyard was thrown into chaos: so entranced had all the bystanders become by the match that not a single person saw who had dropped the cake. By longstanding tradition, in a thumb rassle tie, the competitor with the least amount of punctuation in his name was declared the winner. It was a Mule Rodriguez victory. 

"What were you thinking?" Smush demanded as his pal came scurrying back. "You were about to win our bet!"

"What bet?" Mogey said, licking a telltale bit of frosting from his forearm. "I sure made things interesting, didn't I?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 41

 "How do I look?" Smush inquired.

"Like a fellow who's about to meet the Elven Ambassador," Mogey said. He brushed a bit of lint (and a rogue tootsie roll wrapper) from the shoulders of his pal's jacket and honked his nose. "Honk."

"Honk," Smush agreed, honking Mogey's nose in return. 

The pals exited through the front door and joined the throngs of townspeople walking toward the village square.

"Honk, Bombus," Mogey greeted their neighbor, Shawn Bombus, with a polite honk of the man's snout. 

"Honk, Mogey, honk, Smush," Bombus replied, returning the favor. "Say, congratulations on being selected to represent the village, Smush." 

"Thank you," Smush replied with a dignified honk of neighbor Bombus's beak. 

When they reached the village square, Mogey and Smush had to push through a crowd to reach the little stage that had been erected. An ornate horse-drawn carriage, gleaming whiter than a bowl of yogurt, stood nearby. With a nudge of encouragement from Mogey, Smush mounted the dais. 

A hush fell over the crowd as the carriage door opened. Out stepped the most striking individual Smush has ever beheld. The elf stood seven feet tall, her silvery hair falling past her knees, which were ensconced in ornately bedazzled jeans. She seemed to glow like a very well-illuminated bowl of yogurt.

With impossible grace, the elven ambassador stepped up to join Smush on the stage. After a moment's hesitation, Smush greeted her in the customary fashion.

"Did you just honk my nose?" the elf thundered. 

"Of course," Smush answered. "Honk."

The crowd looked on expectantly as the ambassador contemplated this most peculiar turn of events. "I think I'm going to like it here," she said at last.

"Good," Smush replied. "Now do you by any chance have some yogurt in that carriage? I've got a real craving for some reason."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 40

Mogey and Smush strode the darkened hallways of the aquatic vivarium, gazing at various fish, molluscs, and other sea creatures.

"Hold it, Smush," Mogey said, skidding to a halt. "This little crab has something stuck on his rump."

"Please don't roll your r's when you say 'rump,'" Smush requested. "But it seems you're correct. Miss! Pardon me, miss!" He flagged down a passing aquarist and pointed into the tank. "This miniature fellow seems to have his rump lodged in a seashell. Can you help him?"

"We really do prefer it if you roll your r's when you refer to our animals' rumps," replied the keeper, "but worry not! That's a hermit crab. That shell is his home." 

"Wow!" Mogey marveled. "That doesn't sound too bad."

"Carrying your house around on your back?" Smush inquired.

"No sir," said Mogey. "'Hermit crab.' I just had a vision of hermit crabs with butter and cajun seasoning for £19.99."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 39

 Mogey and Smush - along with virtually every other resident of Dusty Bend - stood gathered around the steps of town hall. They had come to hear the words of Travelin' Mike, the famed cure-all salesman. Mike was a known fraud, but boy was he fun to listen to. 

"Come one, come all" exclaimed Travelin' Mike, his long and lustrous mullet sparkling in the sunshine. "Ready yourselves for astonishment and flabbergasteration as I tell you about this miracle of modern medicine: chewable leeches!"

"Tell us more, Travelin' Mike!" Mogey shouted.

"Yes sir, it's everything you love about leeches, now in a chewable form. Cures everything from skin rashes and tummy troubles to toothaches and baldness. Give yourself the gift of youth and vitality you never dreamed of when you were young and vital: Find your soulmate! Get a promotion! Win a greasy pole climbing competition!"

"What else, Travelin' Mike?" asked "Dusty" Ben Mayer, the Mayor of Dusty Bend (and yes, the similarity of his name to that of his station had been a central tenet of his mayoral campaign).

"Well, Mr. Mayor," Travelin' Mike replied uncertainly, "that's about all there is to say about chewable leeches."

"Sell us something else!" a lady in the crowd requested.

"Say," Travelin' Mike murmured as realization dawned, "isn't anyone here going to actually buy anything?"

"Do you sell lessons in public speaking?" Smush queried. "I'd buy a yearlong subscription."

"No, no, no," Travelin' Mike grumped. "I can't share my sales secrets, and I knew there was a reason I hadn't been through here in a while. You Dusty Bendites clearly aren't sophisticated enough for chewable leeches."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 38

 As Mogey hefted each bale of straw onto the wagon, Smush bound it tightly with red licorice ropes. The pals found that the dairy cows who ate straw baled in this way gave milk that was pre-Nestle Quik'd, saving them both time and the ghastly visage of plain white milk.

"Smush," Mogey asked, "would you say I have a loud mouth?"

Smush pondered for a moment. "A loud tummy? Yes."

"Especially before tea time," Mogey agreed.

"But a loud mouth? I wouldn't say so. Not especially."

"That's exactly what I told the fellow at the crossroads. I was in the good wagon with Measly Pete in the reins, and he got us into the intersection first. Yet some gent comes screaming through with a four-in-hand and he tried to go ahead of us. So I says to the man, I says, 'Oi! It's my turn!' And he says to me, he says, 'Fine then! Go ahead, loudmouth!'"

"That's some story," said Smush, tying down another bale of straw. "What'd Mr. Four-in-hand have to say when you disputed his claim?"

"It was the strangest thing," Mogey replied. "He asked Measly Pete for his thoughts on the matter."

"He wanted our draft mule's opinion about whether you're a loudmouth?"

"That's right. And would you believe it, Measly Pete looked me straight in the eye and nodded his head!" 

"Well then, I guess that settles it," Smush noted, taking a sneaky nibble of red licorice rope. "I'll be preserved in a jar of ploughman's pickle before I disagree with Measly Pete."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 37

Smush awoke in the wee hours, realizing quickly that Mogey was tossing and turning in the next hammock over. 

"Psst," Smush whispered. "PSST!"

"Psst yourself," Mogey grumbled, poking his head out. 

"You rang?" queried Psst Coogan, the most syballant student at St. Rumbly's School for Famished Youths. 

"Not you, Coogan!" Smush whispered.

"Hmmph," Psst Coogan replied, laying back down with a raspy sigh.

"You rang?" inquired Hmmph Rodrigues, a surly dwarf three hammocks down.

"By St. Rumbly's sacred divider plate!" Smush exclaimed. "Mogey and I are trying to have a private conversation here!" 

"About what?" Mogey whispered.

"I noticed you were struggling to get some shuteye. What's troubling you?"

"I- I suppose I'm a bit nervous about the ghost."

"Ol' Velveeta?" Smush asked with surprise. "He's harmless!"

"No, no, no," Mogey insisted. "Ol' Velveeta is a ghoul, and not a very ghoulish one at that. I'm talking about St. Rumbly's most infamous spirit: G. Willikers."

"Willikers is pretty spooky," Smush admitted. "But don't worry: He's got a major weakness and I happen to know what it is. Simply mention 'raspberry lime rickeys' and G. Willikers becomes so thirsty that he'll float off in search of beverages."

"Close," called a ghostly voice from the ceiling, "but I actually prefer egggggg creeeeeeeeeeeeams..."

"G. WILLIKERS!" Mogey exclaimed. He, Smush, Psst, Hmmph and all the rest screamed at the tops of their lungs as they scrambled desperately out of their hammocks and sprinted for the dormitory window.

When Brother Antipasto came to awaken the students the following morning, he found them all hunched on the roof, using their hammocks for shelter and muttering about G. Willikers and classic drugstore beverages. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 36

Mogey's Great Uncle Chaz, the gentleman he'd lived with for several of his boyhood years, was typically quite jovial. But when he descended into a pit of the grumps, the only person who could pull him out was Mogey's best pal Smush. (Or as Great Uncle Chaz called him, "that Squishy fellow.")

On one such occasion, after Great Uncle Chaz was awakened from his afternoon kip by a leafblower and - upon rising - learned that his favorite Thai restaurant had shut down, Smush was sent for with great urgency.

"What seems to be the trouble, G.U.C.?" Smush inquired when he arrived. 

"Nothing, nothing at all," Great Uncle Chaz replied. "I'm perfectly satisfied that my neighbor's gardener seems to think 3 PM is an appropriate time to operate heavy machinery. And I'm not at all bothered that LabraNoodle closed its doors for good with no notification to even the most loyal customers."

"Hmm," Smush said thoughtfully. "Alright. I believe I have an idea that'll cheer you up. Repeat after me: It's all Mogey's fault."

"But he didn't..."

"Uh uh uh," Smush interrupted, wagging a finger (which was for some reason dusted with baby powder) in Chaz's face. "It's all Mogey's fault."

"It's all Mogey's fault?"

"It's all. Mogey's. Fault."

"It's all Mogey's fault," Chaz chorused. "You know something? I do feel better!"

It was at this moment that Mogey appeared, windswept and raw from a lengthy ride on his razor scooter. 

"I came as soon as I heard," he exclaimed. "You've been stricken with grumps, Great Uncle? How can I help?"

"You can get back out there and fire up the woks at LabraNoodle!" Chaz shouted. "And throw your accursed leafblower in the dumpster while you're at it!"

Mogey - for once - was rendered speechless.

"Better do as the man says," Smush added quietly.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 35

 Mogey and Smush strode the farmers market, fighting their way through such unappealing foodstuffs as vine-ripened tomatoes, sun-kissed local strawberries, and lettuces of every shape, color, and disgusting taste. They were on the hunt for the hidden gems that every farmers market contains if you know where to look: your deep-fried candy bars, your energy drink giveaways, your beef-, duck-, and venison-jerky purveyors.

Suddenly the pals stopped short, gasping in unison. They stared at the man sitting beneath the pop tent before them.

"Do you know who that is?" Smush whispered.

"You bet I do," Mogey replied. "That's Dr. Spice, the world's greatest architect of dusts for chips, crackers, and crisps."

"The first man who combined sour cream and onion."

"In dust form."

"The Baron of BBQ."

"The Padre of Powdered Cheez." 

The pals breathlessly rushed up to Dr. Spice's tent and fell to their knees. "Dr. Spice! Dr. Spice!" they shouted.

"Please," said the man, completely unsurprised by their behavior, "call me Spice."

"Ok, Spice!" Mogey exclaimed. "Would you--"

"Ahem, that's Doctor Spice," interrupted that master of flavor dust.

"Erm, of course," Mogey stuttered. "Dr. Spice, would you share your secrets with us? We'll do anything! We'll become your apprentices. We'll work for free. Just teach us the magic of your flavors!"

"Anything?" asked Dr. Spice.

"Anything," Smush confirmed.

"Well then, all you need to do is pay forty-- ahem-- fifty-nine ninety-nine for my book." Dr. Spice held up a hefty volume entitled Flavour Dust in the Wind. "It literally has all the recipes in it."

"We'd have to... read?" Mogey asked uncertainly.

"Are you sure we can't just be your unpaid apprentices?" Smush added.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 34

 "Boy are we lucky," gushed Smush as he held the door open for his pal.

"Why's that?" Mogey replied. "Oh, right - because Waffles Incorporated offered to send me on an all expenses-paid trip after I fell into that vat of batter on the factory tour?" 

"No! Well, yes, that was lucky, but I was more thinking of how fortunate we are to live in a time period when travel agencies exist." 

"It seems on-brand for us," Mogey agreed. 

"Welcome to Beau Owooo Travel. What can I do for you fellows?" inquired a serious-looking wolfman at the front desk.

"Are you the titular Beau Owooo?" asked Smush. 

"The same," confirmed the wolfman.

"I won a waffle-sponsored all expenses-paid trip!" Mogey exclaimed, rather too excitedly. "Any recommendations?"

"Hmm," said Beau. "Would you say you're more interested in the moon or demolishing pigs' houses?"

Mogey and Smush glanced at one another. "Neither?" Smush ventured.

"Sheep poaching it is, then!" Beau responded. "Excellent choice. Now I can offer you a lovely excursion in the south of Ireland that comes with a free sheep-suit. Or if you're looking for something more adventurous, we have an arrangement with a crafty sheepdog in New Zealand who'll test the very limits of your cleverness!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 33

Boating through a glacial calving field in the dead of night was dangerous, but that was the best time to catch icewater anchovies, and Mogey and Smush loved icewater anchovies.

Still, it was stressful. One moonless night, Smush stood at the helm of the McFish while Mogey served as a spotter. This was a controversial assignment for Mogey, who was supposed to scan the water for obstacles, but often got distracted scanning for icewater anchovies instead.

"Berg!" Mogey shouted, sending his pal into a panic. "Berg! Dead ahead!"

"Where?" Smush exclaimed. "I can't see it!" The McFish swerved as he struggled to regain control while staring into the night.

"Just there!" Mogey pointed, but all Smush could see was another anchovy skiff like the McFish.

"Is it behind the skiff?" Smush asked.

"It is the skiff," Mogey rejoined. "Ahoy!" he hailed the other vessel as it drew near. 

"The skiff is an iceberg?" Smush demanded.

"No, not iceberg," Mogey said with a roll of the eyes, "it's my buddy, Berg van der Berg." 

A tall fellow in a viking helmet emerged from the other boat's cabin. He wore a black t-shirt that read simply: BERG. "Ahoy yourself!" Berg stated. "How are those anchovies biting?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 32

 "It's tonight," said Mogey, simply.

"You think I don't know that?" Smush demanded. "You think I haven't thought about that every doggone day for the past year?"

 

"Sheesh," Mogey replied. "It's just a party."

"Just. A. PARTY?" Smush exclaimed. "Any more commentary like that and I will be forced to Brat Ratly along as my guest instead of you."

"You're bluffing," Mogey said. "The Baroness von Snapback would never allow vermin into her annual Hat Jamboree."

"Hey!" squeaked Brat Ratly, who - to no one's surprise - had been eavesdropping.

"Fair enough," Smush admitted as he watched Brat Ratly scurry sulkily away. "Now, on to business. What hats are we going to wear?"

"I was thinking about this little number," Mogey said as he slapped a visor atop his gourd.

"Don't make me call Ratly back in here. A visor is the very antithesis of a hat. A hat with the hat part removed, if you will."

"Well what are you going to wear then, Mr. Smartson Hat-Pants Man?"

"I'm glad you asked," Smush rejoined, opening a large, round box. "I am currently in possession of - wait for it - an antique pork pie. Its provenance is not well-documented, but there is some speculation that the sheen on the sweatband came from the bald dome of none other than Count Dracula himself." 

Mogey took a moment to collect his thoughts before responding. "In the first place, Count Dracula was not bald, he was famously hirsute. In the second place, the pork pie hat was invented centuries after Count Dracula lived. And in the third place, the only person who would look sillier in a pork pie hat than Count Dracula is, in fact, you."

The cackles of Brat Ratly could be clearly heard emanating from inside the living room wall.

"Those are some good points," said Smush. "Unrelated question: Do you have a second visor I could borrow?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 31

It took five hours at the claw machine and more quarters than you'd see at the bottom of Lucky Leo's Wishing Well (which stood conveniently near the courthouse steps), but at last Smush had it: a real Genooine™ sheriff's badge.

Mogey detected a change in his pal almost immediately. On the way home from the arcade, he badgered their donkey, Frito Melange, to move faster. He commanded the neighborhood children to spray their silly string in a more orderly fashion. He lectured the oven to make his tater tots crispier.  

When Smush instructed the mice under the kitchen table to "quit stealing our tot crumbs and get back to work!" Mogey had to interject.

"I do believe that badge has gone to your head, Smush," he stated.

"Has it?" Smush asked, polishing the badge on his shirt and then checking his reflection. "Or has it gone to everyone else's head?" He gestured to the mice at their feet.

Sure enough, though they did so reluctantly, the tiny creatures had abandoned the crumbs and were trudging back to their bolt hole.

"I guess there's a new sheriff in town," grumbled one.

"What's a sheriff?" another replied. "I just wanted to get away from that guy with the shiny button. Something has clearly gone to his head."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 30

 Mogey and Smush huddled around the shining copper kettle anxiously, for it was well into the hot cocoa hour, and they'd yet to consume any hot cocoa. 

"Come onnnnn," Mogey urged the kettle. 

"Haven't you ever heard the old saying 'a watched pot never boils?'" Smush asked wisely.

"'Course," Mogey replied, "but I believe I've proven time and again that adage doesn't apply to me. No, for ol' Mogey, part of the fun of making hot cocoa is outfoxing this wily cauldron." 

"Why do I put myself in these situations?" Smush groaned. 

Mogey, ignoring his pal, said "what'll it be today then, kettle, old chum? I tried begging to no avail. Is it a bit of firmer encouragement you need? Boil that water now, or I'LL MELT YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU INTO A TOILET FLAPPER CHAIN!"

The kettle stood motionless. It certainly did not boil. Smush put his head in his hands.

"No luck with threats, eh?" Mogey muttered. "What about striking a deal? Tell you what: boil now, and you'll get a double dose of copper polish this evening, plus once a month we'll get our hot cocoa from Zaxby's and give you a day off."

And whether enough time had simply passed for the water to hit its boiling point or the kettle found the promise of 12 vacation days per year too tempting to pass up, it immediately began to whistle. Smush looked like a convicted lotion thief whose appeal has just been denied, but who has also learned that there's a new hot cocoa machine in the prison commissary. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 29

 "Who's ready for dessert?" asked Auntie Bickle.

"Oh I couldn't possibly," said Pepper Fernandez, the first of three very polite triplets Mogey had invited for dinner aboard his favorite aunt's houseboat. 

"I'm far too full from that succulent meal," said Popper Fernandez, the second triplet.

"Perhaps just a cup of coffee?" said Bully the Frog, the third Fernandez triplet.

"WE ARE!" chorused Mogey and Smush hungrily.

"Please tell me dessert is what I think it is," Mogey added, looking hopefully to his Aunt.

"Of course, dearie," Auntie Bickle confirmed, reappearing with a steaming pan. "My world-famous monkey bread!"

Predictably, Mogey and all three Fernandez triplets immediately tucked in with gusto. Smush, however, hesitated. 

"Not hungry, dearie?" Auntie Bickle inquired.

"Starved," Smush replied. "But I'm not so sure about monkey bread. Is it actually made from monkeys?"

"Oh ho ho ho," Mogey chortled, slapping his friend on the back. "Don't be silly, Smush. You've got it all wrong! The bits of real monkey are the very thing that make monkey bread so delectable."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 28

When the day came for Smush to unveil his grand machine, the only ones present (or so he thought) were Mogey, a half dozen nesting hens, and their next door neighbor, a rock creature named Stone Baloney. 

Mogey privately believed the reason for such a modest ceremony was Smush's apprehension that the machine would fail. On the other hand, his pal wore a cape - and an ostentatious cape at that - to the occasion and spoke boldly to the onlookers:

"Behold!" Smush thundered. "For I have accomplished what all the so-called 'ancient masters' could not. I give you... the Perpetual Train!"

Smush whipped a cloth away to reveal a vehicle nearly as jumbled as Cap'n Flunk's Hodgepodge Van (a well-known local curiosity). It was a trolley car with a crane mounted on the roof. Smush leapt into the vehicle to demonstrate how the crane's grabber arm could reach behind the trolley, seize a section of train track, then rotate around to place the track just ahead of its front wheels. The trolley then rolled forward onto the new track, and did the whole procedure over again. Thus the Perpetual Train could move continuously, using only a few short sections of train track.

The crowd went wild. And by "wild," I mean that Mogey and Stone Baloney applauded while the nesting hens ruffled their feathers and bugaw-ed. 

Suddenly, however, the festivities were silenced by a clanging noise beneath the trolley. This was followed by a muffled "help! Help!"

"The Perpetual Train's first stowaway!" Smush cried. He threw wide a trapdoor in the trolley's floor. Crammed into the compartment beneath was a beefy man wearing a purple top hat. "Cap'n Flunk?" Smush exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" 

"Indeed it is I," said Flunk with a flourish of his top hat (if it is possible to flourish in a compartment beneath the floor of a train). "And I'm quite embarrassed to admit that I got stuck snooping. I felt my Hodgepodge Van might be threatened by the promise of your great machine, you see."

"You were trying to sabotage the Perpetual Train?" Mogey demanded.

"No, no, no, of course not," insisted Cap'n Flunk. "This was merely a reconnaissance mission!"

"Well who let you into the train?" Smush inquired.

"Him," Cap'n Flunk said, pointing to Stone Baloney. 

Mogey and Smush both stared at their neighbor in frustrated disbelief, hands on their hips. Stone Baloney, for his part, did his best to look innocent by averting his eyes and chomping into drumstick-shaped hunk of quartz.  

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 27

 As Smush waited for the barista to prepare his favorite beverage - a quadruple mocha latte, hold the espresso - he heard an urgent whisper from behind a nearby tapestry.

"Psst, Smush! Over here! It's me, Mogey."

"No introduction needed, my friend," Smush replied, ducking behind the drapery to join his pal. "You're quite literally the only person I know in this town who would hide behind a coffee shop tapestry. Although I must say: It smells fabulous back here."

"That's my quadruple mocha latte, hold the espresso," said Mogey. "Care for a sip?"

"I'm already waiting on one, thank you. Anyway, what's got you acting so clandestine?"

"My crush is over there," Mogey admitted, pointing toward the oatmeal bar. Smush gazed in the direction his pal indicated, and a glimmer of understanding illuminated his face.

"How many times must I tell you that the Sun-Maid Raisins girl is not real?" Smush said gently.

"BEHIND the raisin box, ye roustabout!"

"Is that Luciana Blunderbuss? Heiress to the Gardetto Snack Mix fortune?"

"And the greatest thumb-wrestler in three counties," Mogey confirmed with a lovesick sigh. "You know what?" Mogey continued, profoundly unprompted, "you're right. I should just go talk to her!"

"No, Mogey, she's--" Smush began, but his pal was already gone. "...famously both hard of hearing and ill-tempered. Godspeed, comrade." 

What Mogey said, only the other patrons of the oatmeal bar will ever know, but Luciana Blunderbuss's response was to slap him across the face, give him an enormous smooch on the cheek, and engage him in an impromptu thumb-wrestling match that pushed Mogey to the very limits of his fortitude. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 26

Of all Smush's prized possessions, the most prized of all was his '32 Duckbert Crawler. The automobile possessed four on the floor, a baby blue exterior, and no fewer than 13 cupholders. 

One afternoon, Mogey stopped by to find Smush standing in his garage, admiring the Duckbert Crawler as usual.

"I thought you might be in here," said Mogey.

"Indeed?" Smush replied.

"Indeed. Though I don't know how you can just stand around looking at a car--"

"Not just any car. A '32 Duckbert--"

"...Crawler. I know, I know," Mogey muttered. "Anyhow, I brought you one of those milkshakes you like. You know, where I get the shop to replace the milk in your milkshake with... a second milkshake? Here it--WHOOPS!" 

Upon that exclamation, Mogey spilled a hearty cascade of milkshakeshake across the hood of the '32 Duckbert Crawler. To his credit, Smush did not panic. He immediately elbowed Mogey out of the way, took a long draught of what little milkshakeshake remained in the cup, and - in one fluid motion - began to spray the '32 Duckbert Crawler down with a hose. 

"My sincerest apologies," Mogey stammered. "Allow me to assist. Have you got a diaper or something that I can use to dry her off?"

"Please!" Smush scoffed. "A diaper is far too rough for the delicate paint job of a '32 Duckbert Crawler."

"What then? A ShamWow?" 

"I'd sooner see my Gram Gram's spectacles stolen than see a ShamWow touch this vehicle. No, this is a job reserved for a true specialist. Are you ready, GF?"

Smush's chinchilla, Gargoyle Fluffington, saluted solemnly from his cage and fluffed his fur. He knew his proudest moment was nigh. 

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 25

"Check it out," Smush announced as he strutted into the milkhouse.

Mogey glanced up from his milking. "What?" he asked.

"Notice anything different about me?"

"New boots?" Mogey suggested.

"You think these ancient wellies that are literally caked in manure are... new boots?" Smush inquired. Mogey nodded eagerly. "Incorrect," Smush said with a sigh. "It's my hair - it finally grew long enough for me to put it in a man-bun!" 

"Congratulations," Mogey said, sniffing the air. "Raisin?"

"How many times must I tell you that man-buns have nothing to do with food?"

"Be that as it may," Mogey replied, smelling more vigorously, "I detect the distinct fragrance of raisin buns. Don't tell me you went to the bunnerie without me?"

"No!" Smush answered, hurriedly wiping his mouth as he searched for a change of subject. "Say, is that a rat you're milking?"

"You bet," Mogey said brightly. "I've acquired a whole mischief of Old World Browns. You will not believe how good rat's milk yogurt tastes!"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 24

 "Mogey," Smush queried, "is that gum you're chewing?"

"You know it," Mogey replied, pulling his sunglasses down in a way that was effortlessly cool, and then popping a gum bubble all over them in a way that was so uncool that it actually appeared to require forethought. 

"Betcha I can guess the flavour."

"Did you just put a 'u' in flavor?" Mogey said as he pickled gum off his lenses. "What a snob. Very well, then - propose some terms for this wager."

"Alright," Smush answered. "If I guess the flavour of your chewing gum in my first three tries, you have to help me sneak your granddad's prize racehorse out of the barn and give me a boost to climb on his back."

"What in the world do you want to ride Hercule for?"

"I've always fancied myself a jockey. This is my chance to find out what could've been! But don't worry, I've got a great prize for you too. If I'm unsuccessful, you get to wear... the vest."

"That leather one with the sea leopards on the lapels?" Mogey exclaimed. "That thing is so rad. You're on!"

"Guess number one," Smush declared. "Licorice."

"No sir," said Mogey, snapping another big bubble.

"Guess number two: Bubblegum."

"Incorrect."

Now Smush appeared nervous. He could see his chances of riding Hercule the race horse slipping away through his fingers. "Tangerine?" he guessed. 

"Not even close!" Mogey replied as he clenched his fist victoriously. "No, this here is a mixture of spruce gum and Bubblicious grape."

"That's not fair!" Smush asserted. "You knew very well I'd never be able to guess that!"

"If you have a gambling problem, I suggest you take it up with 1-800-GAMBLER," Mogey said. "But I will be expecting that vest."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 23

 Mogey and Smush had heard legends of a sport known as whitewater rafting. While they weren't familiar with the concept of rapids (or rafts, for that matter), they knew this newfangled form of recreation was thrilling, and so when a rafting outfit opened two towns over, the pals hitched up Mogey's old donkey, Mr. Prune, and hopped into the wagon. 

When they reached RaftBros Unlimited, Mogey and Smush were greeted by an enthusiastically laid-back guide named Bug Muggins. Before they knew it, Bug had ushered the pals into a pair of wetsuits and aboard an inflatable raft. 

"Alright, chieftains," said Muggins as he dipped an oar in the water, "our first intense section is coming up just ahead: it's a steep set of riffles called The Monkey's Abs."

"Sounds pleasant en-- WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?" hollered Smush.

"That'll be The Monkey's Abs. Ain't she a beaut?" Bug Muggins answered.

"WHY IS THE WATER ALL... ANGRY AND WHITE?" Mogey cried fearfully.

"Chill out, pig snout," Bug Muggins said calmly. "It's whitewater rafting, remember?"

"You meant that..." Smush began. "LITERALLY?" he and Mogey exclaimed in unison. 

"Right on!" said Bug Muggins joyfully. 

Mogey and Smush exchanged looks of disbelief before they both leapt from the raft, swam to shore, and didn't stop until they - and Mr. Prune - were safely ensconced in an AstroBurger outpost, taking in refreshment to recover from the harrowing ordeal.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 22

"We've done it! We've finally done it!" Mogey exclaimed, holding aloft a sealed scroll as he entered the gymnasium where Smush was performing calisthenics. "The Empress has agreed to grant us noble titles!"

"Why?" Smush inquired as he hefted a round dumbbell.

"Surely you recall our daring rescue of Duchess Agatha?" 

"That lady who fell into the swimming hole down at Merle's Quarry? We just cleared her out because she was in the way of the double jackknife supreme we were about to blow everyones' minds with. Didn't we?"

"Mostly," Mogey admitted. "But that's not how the Empress sees it. What title will you choose? Me, I'm quite partial to the sounds of Viscount Mogey."

"Grand Duke, of course," said Smush. "What else?"

"Good one! But I can't have you outrank me, can I? Perhaps I'll be Great Grand Duke Mogey."

"Well then I'll be Great Great Grand Duke Smush."

"P'shaw!" Mogey grumbled.

"P'shaw yourself!" Smush rejoined. "Say, what are these books? The Little Prince?"

"Dunno," said Mogey, "that's the same box the scroll came in.... uh oh." His face fell as he reread the letter more carefully. "I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. The Empress writes: You have my thanks for 'rescuing' Duchess Agatha, the two time Olympic bronze medalist in the 200 meter freestyle. Please enjoy reading these noble titles and stay the heck away from Merle's Quarry. I don't get it - why did she put quotation marks around 'rescuing?'"

"Sadly, my friend," Smush said as he put an arm around his pal, "I think the lordship of Viscount Mogey may still be a little ways off."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 21

Aside from Mogey and Smush themselves, there were really three people you needed to know aboard the R.M.S. Big Hoss. First was Captain Olive Mizzenmast, a stern man for whom sailing was literally in his blood (a cannon wound to his shoulder had once spilled several feet of canvas onto the foredeck). Second was Chip the Munk, a boatswain whose real name was Gregory, but who went by Chip to clarify to all that he was not the "friar" sort of monk. And last was Shish K. Bob, the ship's cook whose infectious laugh could be heard throughout the Big Hoss several times each hour. 

Generally Mogey and Smush attempted to keep a low profile aboard the Big Hoss. One could not call them inept, but one could certainly not call them ept either. Such a stickler was Captain Olive Mizzenmast that they knew if they acquired any sort of reputation at all, they would eventually find themselves walking the plank. But one evening in the messdeck, Mogey simply could not help himself.

"Bob!" shouted the captain. "Have we any more stargazy pie?"

"What's the matter, Cap'n?" said Mogey. "Did you finish--"

"Consider your next words carefully, sailor," Mizzenmast interrupted. "Is it worth the risk?"

"...Olive it?" Mogey concluded. 

Shish K. Bob immediately burst into his vastly contagious peals of laughter, slapping his meaty portuguese thighs hysterically. Mizzenmast knew he needed to do something or risk becoming a laughing stock among his men.

"That's it!" the Captain exclaimed. "Boatswain Munk: Ready the plank!"

But it was too late. Chip the Munk was already laughing so hard that the stargazy pie he'd stored in his furry cheeks came shooting out his nose. And Mogey? Mogey was borne abovedecks upon the shoulders of his compatriots: for that one night, a hero to all who sailed aboard the R.M.S. Big Hoss.

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 20

 "Who is it we're meeting, again?" Smush inquired.

"They call him the Chameleon," Mogey replied. "He can vanish into any crowd - that's why he wanted to meet here under the Arc du Frites. But he's got the best black market jerky in the district."

"The chameleon, huh? So how do we find him?"

"Oh, we don't find him. He finds us. He's more elusive than one of those eyebrow hairs you keep catching a glimpse of. Harder to spot than a black jelly bean on a moonless night. Sneakier than--"

"Is he that guy with the green lizard scales tattooed all over his face?" Smush interrupted, striding toward the most distinctive-looking person in the busy city square. "Chameleon?" he asked the man. 

"Sup," said the Chameleon, licking his own eye with a peculiarly-long tongue. "You the boys who were looking to buy some jerky?"

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 19

 "It's time I set about achieving my dearest ambition," announced Mogey.

"Jumping into a ball pit full of mozzarella sticks?" Smush said with a sigh. "Alright, I'll call Ragazzo Grasso and put an order in--"

"No, not jumping into a ball pit full of mozzarella sticks," Mogey interrupted.

"Jumping into a ball pit full of rice pudding? Alright, I'll call Old Tyme Country Diner and put an order in--"

"Enough with the ball pits! You know very well that my dearest ambition is to be the cause of a ticker-tape parade."

"What even is ticker-tape?" Smush inquired.

"I don't know," Mogey replied, jamming a pair of sunglasses onto his face so hard they boinked his nose, "but I'm about to find out."

Three hours later, Smush noticed the porcelain porcupine figurine on his desk trembling slightly. In a few more moments, the whole house began to shake. Smush heard a rumble outside that could only be the thundering of hooves. He looked through the window to see three elephants, a band of jackals, seven antelope, and a camel who appeared to be reluctantly "going with the flow," galloping down the street. 

Mogey burst through the door, covered in sweat and hay, trailing a strong odor of exotic manure. "Do you think it'll be enough?" he asked breathlessly. "Forty-seven animals by my count - all now embracing the sweet scent of freedom. Surely that's sufficient to earn me a ticker-tape parade?"

"Oh no, Mogey," Smush said. "You didn't..."

Before Smush could admonish his pal further, a sturdy fist knocked at the door. Smush opened the portal to reveal a man clad entirely in khaki - including a splendid pair of khaki earrings - save for his pith helmet. He gasped. 

"Are you Brent Strongbody, the world's greatest investigator of zoos and zoo-related crimes?"

"The same," said Brent Strongbody. "And I'm afraid to say you're under arrest for the theft of..." here Strongbody removed a notebook from one of his many pockets and flipped it open, "forty-nine animals from the West Bingle Zoo." 

"Nice!" shouted Mogey. "I thought I might've missed a couple!"

And that is how, several weeks thereafter, Mogey and Smush found themselves being paraded through the streets inside a wrought-iron cage as crowds of adoring fans cheered on the legendary Brent Strongbody for bringing another pair of miscreants to justice. 

"Happy now?" Smush asked miserably from the floor of the cage.

Mogey's only response was to snatch two more pieces of ticker-tape through the bars of the cage and rub them over his face and shoulders. "Ticker-tape..." he mumbled dreamily. "At last...."

The Abbreviated Adventures of Mogey & Smush: 2024 Edition - Episode 18

 The Six Year Snail War exhausted both sides in the end. The homestead co-owned by Mogey and Smush had seen multiple outhouse burnings, a thick layer of slime on virtually every surface, and unprecedented damage to the tomatoes. The other belligerent, a barcalounger-sized snail named Curd Gherkin, endured a battle-scarred shell and now wore an eyepatch at all times.

And so it came to pass that Mogey, Smush, and Curd Gherkin stood on the northwest corner of the homestead, prepared to call a truce. Serving as a neutral arbiter was Bjoink Version 5, a homemade robot who often mediated local disputes (though "made" by whom and in what "home," no one knew). 

"I think that eyepatch is just an affectation," Mogey whispered to Smush. "We never did anything to his eye." 

Smush nodded but didn't take his eyes off Curd Gherkin. "What'll it be, then?" he asked the snail.

"A pact?" Gherkin replied heavily. 

"Terms?" Smush inquired.

"Party One - Moogey and Smoosh," Bjoink Version 5 intoned mechanically, "agree to stay to the east of this point forevermore. Party Two - Cred Greckling - agrees to stay to the west. All parties agree to cease any of the following: Sliming, consuming each others' tomatoes, slingshotting hard candies at one another, eye-poking."

"We never poked his eye!" Mogey insisted. 

"Those terms are acceptable," Smush said. 

"Same here," Curd Gherkin agreed. "Let us seal the pact by locking eyes. It's a snail tradition." He leaned one of his long eyestalks toward Smush.

"Erm," Smush hesitated.

"Your arm will do," Gherkin said. He wrapped his eyestalk tightly around Smush's proffered arm, drawing him close. "Silly lad," the snail whispered. "I've only just begun to teach you the meaning of pain. There's no such thing as 'locking eyes.' The truce is off!"

With that, Curd Gherkin spun, slapping Smush in the chest with his rubbery tail. 

"Ugh!" Mogey shrieked. "He slimed you!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha," said Bjoink Version 5. "A classic Cred Greckling double cross."